Ten Ways To Be A More Light-Hearted Parent

One of my Twelve Commandments is "Lighten up," and I have a lot of resolutions aimed at trying to be a more light-hearted parent: less nagging, more laughing. We all want a peaceful, cheerful, even joyous, atmosphere at home -- but we can't nag and yell our way to get there. Here are some strategies that help me:

1. At least once a day, make each child helpless with laughter.

2. Sing in the morning. It's hard both to sing and to maintain a grouchy mood, and it sets a happy tone for everyone--particularly in my case, because I'm tone deaf and my audience finds my singing a source of great hilarity.

3. Get enough sleep yourself. It's so tempting to stay up late, to enjoy the peace and quiet. But morning comes fast. Along the same lines...

4. Wake up before your kids. We were so rushed in the morning that I started getting up half an hour earlier than my children. That means I can get myself organized, check my email, post to Slate, and get my bag packed before they get up. It's tough to wake up earlier, but it has made a huge difference in the quality of our mornings.

5. I've been researching the hedonic treadmill: people quickly adapt to new pleasures or luxuries, so it takes a new pleasure to give them a jolt of gratification. As a result, I've cut back on treats and impulse buys for my kids. The ice-cream sandwich or the Polly Pockets set won't be an exciting treat if it isn't rare.

6. Most messages to kids are negative: "stop," "don't," "no." So I try to cast my answers as "yes." "Yes, we'll go as soon as you've finished eating," not "We're not leaving until you've finished eating." It's not easy to remember to do this, but I'm trying.

7. Look for little ways to celebrate. I haven't been doing holiday breakfasts long, but they're a huge source of happiness. They're quick, fun, and everyone gets a big kick out of them.

8. Repetition works. A friend told me he was yelling at his kids too much, so he distilled all rules of behavior into four key phrases: "keep your hands to yourself"; "answer the first time you're asked"; "ask first"; and "stay with us" (his kids tended to bolt). You can also use the school mantras: "Sit square in your chair;" "accidents will happen," "you get what you get, and you don't get upset" (i.e., when cupcakes are handed out, you don't keep trying to switch).

9. Say "no" only when it really matters. Wear a bright red shirt with bright orange shorts? Sure. Put water in the toy tea set? Okay. Sleep with your head at the foot of the bed? Fine. Samuel Johnson said, "All severity that does not tend to increase good, or prevent evil, is idle."

10. When I find myself thinking, "Yippee, soon we won't have to deal with a stroller," I remind myself how fleeting this is. All too soon the age of Cheerios and the Tooth Fairy will be over. The days are long, but the years are short.

Have you found any good strategies to cut back on the shouting and to add moments of laughing, singing, and saying "yes"?

***

Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you'd like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the "at" sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I'm trying to thwart spammers.) Just write "Resolutions Chart" in the subject line.

Comments

[markmadness]

I think the biggest thing that has worked for me is to keep trying to catch my kids doing something good.

[frankenberrymonster]

Or, you can be a Best Parent Ever.

http://bestparentever.com

[boredwell]

I and my 6 siblings were raised by the Von Trapps. We were like those kids PRIOR to Maria's ameliorating influence. When they lined up in order in the hallway, the theatre resounded with laughs. My father didn't employ a whistle, he snapped his fingers. Body language and beady eyes were forms of parental communication, too. We were addressed as "Sir" and "Miss." And children were to be seen and not heard. "If we wanted your opinion," they would warn, "We would have asked for it."

So it's good to know that parenting though sometimes a trial even for the best, well-meaning mothers and fathers, has come out of the dark ages. Happiness is a shared experience. Kids and parents thrive in giving, receiving and making happiness mutual and reciprocal. Satisfaction makes life more affirmative. For oneself . And others. I know people who are beneficiaries of this kind of upbringing. Their happiness can be infectious. It sometimes even rubs off on me.

[Treehuggindirtworshiper]

The number one thing we can do for our children is listen to them. Make time to do things as a family even if it's just once a week. Turn off the TV, computer and video games. Clean the garage together. Plant flowers together. I find that looking at photographs of when they were little and telling them stories about things they did, helps me connect to them. Although I'm no fan of Bill O'Reilly I like something I heard him say on a talk show. He said everyday ask your child, "What's the best thing that happened to you today?" It really opens up a discussion and also lets your child know that you are interested in their life.

[Gismonda]

This is nice and all.....but what about parenting a teenager? If I went "yippee!" she would look at me like I was on crack and then burst out laughing. :(

[Treehuggindirtworshiper]

At least she'd be laughing!

[theosk]

I would add, echoing our President, "Turn off the TV" My other rule for myself with respect to my kids is "More time, less money." Everyone's economic situation is different but in my own case, spending an extra hour with the kids is more imporant than the money I get from working an extra hour of overtime. I can make more later, but they are only this young once.

[mcbaby2]

That's fine when you already HAVE money. Parents are so stretched which is not their fault - most don't have a choice.

By the way, TV can be a fine way to entertain and get information. "Turn off the tv" sounds so superior and condescending - like I'm too good for it, It's part of life. Use it.

[Saleema Syed]

I agree: TV gets a bum rap. I love watching TV with my daughter (age 3). We talk about what we see. We pause the TV (with our DVR remote) to spell out words we see on the TV. And we laugh when we see something funny. It's probably my favorite half-hour of the day. There's nothing wrong with a little TV so long as you're not using it as a baby-sitter.

[RoadCrossingChicken]

Number ten is so true... you turn around twice and they are grown and you wonder where the years went.

Being a parent is so hard to do. I admire all of you who are working so hard raising your children. I don't know where my son and his wife get their energy.

There is a beautiful somg called "Watercolor Ponies" it is about how quickly kids grow up. It has a very heart wrenching line in it, "They look a little less like little boys every day..."

Thanks all you sweet moms and dads. Thanks for your sacrifices, thanks for making the world better by bringing your child into it.

[quoting]

Love is the only channel for clear communication, and the quality of loving communicates far more than words. That's important to keep in mind as you deal with people.

What will truly communicate Spirit and God to others is your loving. The words won't matter much. You can say, "Where's a good place to eat?" or "What's new with you?" or "Have you read any good books lately?" -- and if you ask with a consciousness of loving support, people will get the loving behind the words

[hu.man]

These are great suggestions. I have used a few of these tips and they do work. As a parent, I have to tell you that children are like mirrors. If there is friction in the family, they reflect it. When things are haywire, look to yourself. Don't blame the children.

[ToriZoeFoods]

Make each child helpless with laughter. I had never thought of myself as a comedian, nor particularly funny. But I love making my children laugh. No matter what their mood, if I can make them laugh, the situation turns around. Since my girls are only 4 and 6 years old, telling them not to smile or laugh, and only to remain as grumpy as a troll tends to get them back on track. Doing something unexpected can have them rolling with laughter. Rather than yelling at them, I say the opposite of what they would expect, theylaugh so hard they willingly do as I've asked. Try it sometime, you'll find your kids behavior is better and that you're all having a lot more fun. And isn't that the point?

[muypolitico]

It is amazing how it has become necessary to state the obvious.

[whoknew---]

That is so completely true....I used to sing to my kids all the time when they were very little ("You are my Sunshine" and "Angel Baby" were the favorites)....they especially liked my jokes....I absolutely loved the way they used to laugh in gales so minature little voices....my husband used to goof around all the time....we had two boys and they all used to wrestle all the time....I had to move the breakables when the mood was upon them.....

When they were teenagers the mood swings used to be a little trying. I'd tell them don't blame me for growing up it's not like I did. (After the mood swing they would laugh at the joke).

Enjoy your children they grow up so fast, if it gets a little overwhelming sometimes that's when you need a little timeout even for just a minute to regroup....

Good Luck & Best Wishes----

[marcosweb]

great article.
a few months ago my 9 year old daughter said she wanted to bake a cake.
I asked what for? She said it's February! Since then she bakes a cake ( yes she, with Mom and Dad in the kitchen) on the first of each month.
A family tradition has been born.

http://www.livinggreenmag.com/

[k1k2lee]

Nice article. In terms of No. 8, I use a simple set of rules with my 5 year old twins when we are going out and about and it works like a charm. It's easy for them to sing-song back to me: "no fussing, no fighting and listen to mommy." If they start going sideways on me, all it takes is a quick "remember our rules?" and they are right back on track. If we go to a store (i.e. a toy store for a birthday party gift or just to look around), we have simple rules for going in: stick together and when mommy says it's time to leave - no fussing. Since they know the rule going in, they stick to it when its time to leave. I've never had to pull them out and they never insist on buying something for them. And maybe its because my job deals with families who have suffered a loss & I see children I will never know only through the eyes of those who lost them & see how truly special those children were. So, I don't sweat the small stuff & every day I take moments to look at my adorable kids as though I were a complete stranger & still find them magical and adorable and spectacular. And I don't make the excuse of "well, I'm biased, I'm their mom." No, they really are and knowing that, gives me such joy in my kids, it is almost unimaginable.

[Dr. Alex Benzer - Huffpost Blogger]

This is excellent! Already sent this to my mom and sister.

Particularly fond of framing all requests positively and avoiding 'no' unless absolutely necessary. Tell people (not just kids) what to *do*, not what not to do, since the latter restricts their freedom without actually giving them a course of action, and no creature likes having its freedom restricted with nothing to do. That's called 'prison'.

Over 90% of kids test as highly creative at age 5, but somehow by age 10, less than 7% do. Creativity is all about mental latitude, and each time you tell a kid 'no', you've put another bar in an invisible cage restricting mental experimentation. If you want your kids to remain brilliant, do your best to be a yes-mom.

AB
www.taoofdating.com

[kielc]

I agree the article is useful. But are you really saying that 90% of 5 year olds are "brilliant" but by the time they are 10, only 7% still are? I would bet a great deal that if these numbers are even remotely true, that they reflect the relative validity of the test metrics used at each age. In other words, one of those tests is flawed, or, if it's the same test, it is not appropriate for kids at one age or the other. But given the overly high and overly low proportions you give at BOTH ages, I'd say the proportions are inaccurate.

PS: I have a PhD and am a professor or educational psychology, so this statement caught my attention.

[k1k2lee]

If you have a PhD, then I think you should be more aware of the specific language you employ. He didn't say that 90% of 5 year olds are "brilliant." He said they test as "highly creative." I think it is true that children's natural creativity, their belief in the magical, the impossible, the ability to completely lose themselves in pretend and imaginary worlds and places DOES significantly diminish by the time they are 10. By 10, too many children are trained to be "normal" and to "fit in" and not enough are allowed to flourish creatively. I also believe there is a place for boundaries and discipline and perhaps all people naturally move toward the mundane as we age (we all lose faith in Santa at some point, unfortunately). But I hope my children will retain a great deal of their free, creative spirits as they age and I intend to foster it as much as possible.