7 Ways To Get Along With Your Difficult Relatives Over Thanksgiving

For many people, Thanksgiving is a joyous holiday; for many people, Thanksgiving is a dreaded holiday. One factor that can make it tough is spending time with difficult relatives. Here are some strategies for keeping Thanksgiving dinner pleasant:

1. Before you join the group, spend a few minutes thinking about how you want to behave. Don't just react in the moment; consider how you want to act. If you've had unpleasant experiences in the past, think about WHY they were unpleasant and what YOU could do to change the dynamics of the situation. You may tell yourself that you want everyone to get along - but if so, you need to do your part to contribute to a harmonious atmosphere. In particular...

2. Think about how topics that seem innocuous to you might upset someone else. You may think you're showing a polite interest, but some questions will rub a person the wrong way: "So do you have a boyfriend yet?" "When are you two going to get married/start a family?" "Didn't you give up smoking?" "Can you afford that?" "When are you going to get a real job?" Show an interest with more open-ended questions, like "What are you up to these days?" or "What's keeping you busy?" Also...

3. Avoid strife. Some families enjoy arguing passionately amongst themselves; however, most don't handle arguments very well. If you know Uncle Bob's views on Sarah Palin are going to drive you crazy, don't bring it up! And if he brings it up, you don't have to engage. Try to make a joke of it, and say something like, "Let's agree to disagree," "Let's not talk about that, and give the rest of the family something to be thankful for," etc. There is a time and a place for everything.

4. Don't drink much alcohol. It can seem festive and fun to fill up your glass, but it's easy to lose track of how much you're drinking. Alcohol makes some people feel merry, but it also makes some people feel combative, or self-pitying, or lowers their inhibitions in a destructive way. I basically had to give up drinking because alcohol makes me so belligerent.

5. Play your part in the tradition. For some people, traditions are very, very important; for others, no. You may feel irritated by your brother's insistence on having exactly the same food every Thanksgiving, or by your mother's extreme reaction to the possibility that you might not come home for the day. Try to be patient and play your part. In the long run, traditions and rituals tend to help sustain happiness and family bonds. If you're the one who wants everything to be perfect, try to ease up on yourself and everyone else, so that you can enjoy the day, whatever happens.

6. Don't stuff yourself. Research shows that in fact, most people add just one pound during the holidays - but then they never lose it. You'll have more fun if you're not feeling uncomfortably full and then guilty about having eaten too much. Think about strategies for staying in control of holiday eating; feeling bad about having eaten too much can make you feel irritable and angry, which spills over into your interactions with other people.

7. Remember it's THANKSGIVING. Be thankful that you get to cook, or that you don't have to cook. Be thankful that you get to travel, or that you don't have to travel. Be thankful for your family or your friends. Find something. Studes show that gratitude is a major happiness booster.

Wait, you might be thinking, these strategies don't tell you how to deal with your difficult relatives -- they tell you how to behave yourself. Well, guess what! You can't do anything to change what your difficult relatives are going to do; you can only change yourself. Also, in many situations, people behave a difficult way in reaction to something else. So you may think your niece flies off the handle without any reason, but she's furious because she thinks you're needling her about her appearance. If you behave differently, she will too.

Have you found any helpful strategies for dealing with a difficult Thanksgiving situation? What more would you add to add to the enjoyment and minimize the stress of the day?

*** Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you'd like to take a look at Gretchen Rubin's personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email her at grubin, then the "at" sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than "Resolutions Chart" in the subject line.

Comments

[javaz]

I love the holidays but every single year I am faced with the annual visit to the in-laws and it spoils all the cheer.
For 22 years I've had to endure the alcoholic in-laws who drink to excess while reminding me of all the reasons they hate me in passive/aggressive subtleties to not so subtle as they get drunker and drunker.
I despise being accused of things I never said or doing things I never did.
I learned long ago that there is no reasoning with drunks and all I can do is sit and take the abuse and then thank heaven when it's time to leave.
I've skipped the visit a couple times, but that always results in an argument with my spouse, and really, the only time we argue is when his family is involved and that's exactly what they want.
This article blames me for my behavior, but I wish there was some advice for dealing with obnoxious nasty drunks who are intent in breaking up my marriage.
I'm not a victim, but a survivor that dreads the annual Christmas visit.

[LMPE]

My family doesn't spend Thanksgiving with relatives. We spend it with some friends whom my parents have known for thirty years. Hopefully, I'll eventually be able to move to another country (I really like Russia) so that I won't have to celebrate this phony holiday.

PS: thanks for using the scene from "The Royal Tenenbaums".

[Sunshine85]

I have to say the way I cope with my in-laws is I am the last one to show and the first one to leave. I make the best dishes, and desserts and everybody knows it so I pretty much just sit around and if anybody says something rude or aggervating I just take bring my coffee cup to my lips and think to myself "Thank goodness I don't look, or sound like anyone here" What I want to know is i how do you keep your children from learning bad habits from extended family. Until I find out I refuse to reproduce. Also I won't even sit next to my sister in law who only talks about her pregnancy, and how uncomfortable she is with indigestion. I'd like to talk about something important like how bad an alcoholic her husband is, and how does she plan on carrying the baby and him into the house next time he passes out in the driveway after throwing up all over himself. yeah now that would be nice.

[XME]

I completely disagree with number 4. Nothing helps me get along with difficult relatives more than alcohol!

[Beninn]

Why is it that the people who need to read columns like this one (difficult relatives) never seem to?

8th Way To Get Along With Your Difficult Relatives Over Thanksgiving?

Print out a copy of "7 Ways To Get Along With Your Difficult Relatives Over Thanksgiving", take it to the Thanksgiving dinner and leave it in the bathroom.

[harriettubman]

Why try to figure out how to be in someone's presence? I wouldn't invite them nor would I go to their home either. I had a cousin call from out of state to my uncle's house and his wife said "it's time for dinner, click". This couple is known to be rude and barely any relatives will visit them. Had that been me they would've had another non-visiting relative.

[ArthurTwoShedsJackson]

Dealing with difficult relatives who make you uncomfortable and really treat you badly...I'­ve got a 2 word article.

Don't Go.

I recently read via a HuffPost link about a young woman whose family made her so uncomfortable last Thanksgiving about being a vegetarian she blew off what many regard as an unbreakable family Thanksgiving tradition and is instead spending this Thanksgiving traveling to Australia. Her own self respect and dignity trumped showing up to 'deal with difficult relatives,' aka be their punching bag. Who knows, maybe that family will contact that girl with sincere apologies and vow to make things right and please come next year. Amazing how just desserts can shape people up.

[hoodie]

Sorry folks but am finally getting over the shame of just not going to relatives that treat me like dirt. I will not become what they aspire to make me. Immediate family, great food, little R&R, a few board game and I am a happy camper. And this is not me treating anyone poorly, it is taking care of me so I just don't see regret in the picture when they pass from this earth. Just MHO!

[OtayPanky]

How about printing out this blog, and carrying this list of tips to the family feast.

Then, when people start to get drunk, or discuss hot topics (like the issues of the day), you can be the Happiness Fairy and correct their behavior - for their own good, of course.

It's a win-win situation. You get to feel superior to them AND put them in their place for their own good.

Passive-aggressive perfection!

[Toonadude]

Sounds like a "professional victim" strategy.

Take control.

Be loud and rude. Talk only about what interests you and barely pause for air. If someone tries to change the subject .. .change it back to you and what you want to talk about.

Either:

1. You never get invited back; or,
2. If you are invited back because certain relatives are so obsessed with tradition that they are willing to put up with you, you will probably clear the room within a minute of arrival..

Either way ... the end of being a victim ... the end of the problem for you.

[frantaylor]

I am very sad that you feel like a victim around your family. What I don't understand is why you even bother to show up if you've planned to act like a jerk.

Someday you will lose a loved one and you will be very sorry you did not treat them better when they were alive.

[Toonadude]

Sorry for MY behaviour? Huh?

If I choose to make a repeat appearance at such events it is to watch the professional victims there put up with me.

Pure entertainment !

[ArthurTwoShedsJackson]

Thanksgiving is too great of a holiday to be wasted with revenge. Don't waste time with mean relatives. I like how "hoodie" and others here have created their own healthy, life-reaffirming traditions of their own instead of acquiesing to unhealthy ones set by passive dysfunctional relatives. I am sure they had a great Thanksgiving!!

[KarateKid]

My biggest enjoyment is a quiet Thanksgiving, with my wife and kids. Immediate family only.

[dfrossar]

The biggest conflict I see at the holidays is between the people who are happy to wing it and those who are full of "musts" and "shoulds" and "got tos." I'm the former, so when I'm told something has to be a certain way I cheerfully reply with a huge smile, "Why?" Or, "You know, the best thing about being an adult is that I, in fact, do NOT have to do it that way anymore." Or, at last resort, "No thanks." Nobody can beat you down unless you let them, so refuse to be part of the old family dynamic and you'll be fine.

(Postscript: My immediate family is fine. I wish I could see them more. But friends and relatives and relatives of friends can really be a pain, ya know?

[ArthurTwoShedsJackson]

Good post. Or to put it differently: "Sacred cows make the best burgers!"

[AZBunny]

My finest strategy is to STAY HOME! I avoid most of my family as much as I can. I live very far away. When I do go home, I'm reminded why.