The Secret To Happiness: Don't Care!

I'm working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone's project will look different, but it's the rare person who can't benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now.

A friend told me this story, and I've never forgotten it, though the following anecdote about G. Gordon Liddy may not, in fact, be true; I've never verified it. According to my friend, Liddy once held his hand over a candle flame until his flesh burned. Someone asked, "What's your secret?" and he replied, "The secret is not to care."

I think about this phrase constantly: "The secret is not to care." Because if I don't want to let certain things make me unhappy, the secret is not to care. (Not to mention not caring about the weird grammar of the phrase.)

Recently a friend explained that although she doesn't enjoy getting manicures, she has to get them, because her hands must look nice for work (she has a fancy job). The last time I had a manicure was two years ago when my sister got married, and I know that even if I had my friend's job, I wouldn't get manicures. I just don't care, and because I don't care, I don't believe that other people care much either.

Another friend is honestly worried because his children don't have very adventurous tastes in foods. Again, I just don't care about that, so that worry doesn't make a difference to me. Of course, I care about things that other people don't care about.

I think this "secret" is important, because while we can't exercise complete control over the things we care about, we can take notice, remember that some of our concerns are idiosyncratic, and try to master them where appropriate. Mindfulness! Yikes, mindfulness turns out to be important everywhere I look. (Wondering how mindful you are? I'm not very. Here's a quiz.)

Often I invoke this phrase, "The secret is not to care," in a context where I find myself worrying about what other people will think. When I feel myself fussing about something, I ask myself, "Do I really care? Or is the secret not to care?"

I felt myself caring about the fact that my four-year-old often goes to school wearing hideous outfits. She loves to pick out her own clothes and tends to choose eye-popping combinations. I found myself wanting to explain to everyone, "She chose that herself! I didn't match that shirt with those pants!" Then I realized - the secret is not to care. Why shouldn't she pick out her own clothes to please herself? Why should I care? I don't care. And I let it go.

This observation by Samuel Johnson keeps springing to my mind: "Since every man is obliged to promote happiness and virtue, he should be careful not to mislead unwary minds, by appearing to set too high a value upon things by which no real excellence is conferred."

Accordingly, I'm not "setting too high a value" upon coordinated outfits on a pre-schooler, "by which no real excellence is conferred." The secret is not to care.

Have you found yourself caring about things you don't really care about? How do you address it?

* I see on Gimundo that the New Economics Foundation ranked Costa Rica as the world's happiest country. Interesting.

* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you'd like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the "at" sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I'm trying to thwart spammers.) Just write "Resolutions Chart" in the subject line.

Comments

[MightyRight]

The secret is not to say, "I do not care".

The secret is to say I do not care for myself, but I will care for others.

Anything else is selfish.

[Olivia Rosewood - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks for this thought provoking post. It reminds me of a quote by a famous business man/spiritual teacher, Lester Levinson:

"Can I allow this to be other than the way I think it should be?"

It helps me when I'm struggling to control something that is absolutely out of my control.

[boras]

Don't go too far in the direction of low expections. Remember, it's to not set values on "things by which no real excellence is conferred."

[Cloball]

My husband always tells says if you don't expect anything from anyone, you won't be disappointed. It really does work. After spending an evening with family or friends, you leave them w/o any disappointments.

[SmolderingRuin]

"The Great Way is not difficult for those who have no preferences." Third Zen Patriarch

http://www.selfdiscoveryportal.com/cmSengTsan.htm

[badgerwoman]

Wish someone had told me this when I was younger. I grew up with parents whose mantra was "what will people say?" And this applied to all aspects of our life. Took me decades to get our of that mindset. The greatest gift I gave my kids was the advice to keep their eyes on their goals and to not sweat the small stuff.

[findingmuse]

I say this all the time myself. If people would just take care of themselves, and stop worrying about what everyone else was doing, saying, being? There'd be world peace. It's one of my classroom rules, as a matter of fact: Take care of yourself. Just take care of yourself. (Along with: To have a friend, you have to be a friend)

I follow my own advice/classroom rules about 85% of the time (translation: days I'm not hormonal) (you can click through my HP commentary here and see the days I'm hormonal, in fact...today, for instance, I'm super dandy; tomorrow, I may rip someone's head off because I care what they just said about me).

It's really not pretty, this caring what other people have to say about you; I feel so much more Zen when I don't give a **** than when I do. I really don't know how celebrities deal with it day in and day out.

[yodaveg]

There is a corollary to your rule I hold in higher regard: Lower your expectations.

[JayInDallas]

It's amazing how when you read all, the posts here you find 2 extremes. Those who understand the point of the article and those who want to dispute it by raising the premise to a national level. People, if you want to continue to obsess over the state of our country to the detriment of your own well-being, have at it. If you can take your mind of that particular stick for a moment and think about yourself at the personal level, you'll find that the advice here has merit and value. Maybe you can save yourself from that Monday morning heart attack that you've been driving towards. Maybe you can introspectively view your relationships with family and friends and realize you are sacrificing today for something you can't change. Take a step back. Read the article again and see if there isn't something in this for you.

[ringo3khan]

I've quit caring about much of anything; it's all virtually pointless because there's so little we can really control. Take the stock market for example, (please); I used to care a lot about that but I realized in 2007 it wasn't going much of anywhere so my 401K has been sitting in cash ever since.And of course, I soon found no reason to watch the market anymore. I call that the disconnection phase. I've managed to do the same thing with politics since realizing that the two parties have virtually merged, politics is really "over" for me; there's no discussion of policies, it's all about agendas and personalities; it's become like reading a combination of People Magazine and the National Enquirer. So, that's lead to the disconnection phase.......I don't vote; I don't make campaign contributions and I shoot the finger at passing politicians when I see them in a parade. So, there it is; quit caring............disconnect. And yea........we're checking into Costa Rica for retirement!

[Mike Vardy]

While this line of thinking would've certainly kept The Care Bears from doing the kind of business they have over the years, I must say that I agree with you.

I haven't cared about most things that I can't control, and when I find I am starting to I take a step back and take a look at the big picture.

(And yes, that means I watch my big screen television until I forget what I was irrationally caring about in the first place.)

[Donnat]

That was the secret of success of the Bush administration - lying about WMDs? Innocent people dying? Outing CIA agents? New Orleans under 15 feet of water? The secret is NOT TO CARE.

[BrianMac]

You're either failing to see the point of this article or you are being disingenuous. They cared to an unhealthy degree about the wrong things at the wrong time. Bush and Co. cared more about their perception as a dependable "do nothing helpful" type of government that Republicans really cheer about in their handling of Katrina. "Outing CIA Agents?" Extreme caring on the part of Bush and Co, particularly Cheney, about total control over their media image and political strategy. "WMDs?" Caring too much about their political agenda and personal revenge rather than the people who would die as a result of the invasion and subsequent protracted war and international relations (and the economy).

[JayInDallas]

And...BOOM! Goes the dynamite! Well done Brian!

[indy100]

That isn't what she was talking about at all, and if you READ the article you'd know it.

[repugnicansfearme]

I don;t think it is right to use kids with these unfortunate birthmarks on their faces for your article.

[MsLizinCA]

Look again...it's face paint...she's painted whiskers and a blackened nose to appear as a kitty.

[yesIcan]

Of course there are things we should care about because that's what gives a person heart. We just shouldn't let the piddly things bother us so much. It's so much better to let the insignificant annoyances roll off our back because it really won't matter in the grand scheme of things...plus it raises our stress levels.(Not a healthy thing)
One of the greatest lessons I have learned in life is to be thankful for what I have, accept and come to terms with what cannot be changed, and not care about what others have. I learned this by having much at one time, then losing it all and now I'm somewhere in the middle and at complete peace with my life.
(However, whatever I can change for the better, I will use all my effort, such as my fight for the right of every human to have access to free or very affordable health care.)

[Beka13]

Great advice! I dont think the retail, pyschology or legal fields want people to do this though...It would put them all out of business.

[bmermaid]

Read "How to stop worrying & start living" by Dale Carnegie.
It changed my life.
The lesson is, most of what we worry about either doesn't matter, or we can't do anything about it.

[indy100]

Exactly. Most things really don't matter, or we can't do anything about it.

When things are really bothering me I ask myself "why do I care?" I have to do this at work when I find myself getting irritated or disgusted with the bad behavior of some people, and the fact that often nothing is done about it. I work in Human Resources in city government. I ask myself "what do I care? They aren't MY employees, it's not MY money paying their salaries". If you remove yourself from the situation it's much easier not to care. And much better for your blood pressure!