The Secret To Happiness: Don't Care!
I'm working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone's project will look different, but it's the rare person who can't benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now.
A friend told me this story, and I've never forgotten it, though the following anecdote about G. Gordon Liddy may not, in fact, be true; I've never verified it. According to my friend, Liddy once held his hand over a candle flame until his flesh burned. Someone asked, "What's your secret?" and he replied, "The secret is not to care."
I think about this phrase constantly: "The secret is not to care." Because if I don't want to let certain things make me unhappy, the secret is not to care. (Not to mention not caring about the weird grammar of the phrase.)
Recently a friend explained that although she doesn't enjoy getting manicures, she has to get them, because her hands must look nice for work (she has a fancy job). The last time I had a manicure was two years ago when my sister got married, and I know that even if I had my friend's job, I wouldn't get manicures. I just don't care, and because I don't care, I don't believe that other people care much either.
Another friend is honestly worried because his children don't have very adventurous tastes in foods. Again, I just don't care about that, so that worry doesn't make a difference to me. Of course, I care about things that other people don't care about.
I think this "secret" is important, because while we can't exercise complete control over the things we care about, we can take notice, remember that some of our concerns are idiosyncratic, and try to master them where appropriate. Mindfulness! Yikes, mindfulness turns out to be important everywhere I look. (Wondering how mindful you are? I'm not very. Here's a quiz.)
Often I invoke this phrase, "The secret is not to care," in a context where I find myself worrying about what other people will think. When I feel myself fussing about something, I ask myself, "Do I really care? Or is the secret not to care?"
I felt myself caring about the fact that my four-year-old often goes to school wearing hideous outfits. She loves to pick out her own clothes and tends to choose eye-popping combinations. I found myself wanting to explain to everyone, "She chose that herself! I didn't match that shirt with those pants!" Then I realized - the secret is not to care. Why shouldn't she pick out her own clothes to please herself? Why should I care? I don't care. And I let it go.
This observation by Samuel Johnson keeps springing to my mind: "Since every man is obliged to promote happiness and virtue, he should be careful not to mislead unwary minds, by appearing to set too high a value upon things by which no real excellence is conferred."
Accordingly, I'm not "setting too high a value" upon coordinated outfits on a pre-schooler, "by which no real excellence is conferred." The secret is not to care.
Have you found yourself caring about things you don't really care about? How do you address it?
* I see on Gimundo that the New Economics Foundation ranked Costa Rica as the world's happiest country. Interesting.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you'd like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the "at" sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I'm trying to thwart spammers.) Just write "Resolutions Chart" in the subject line.
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If you care, things are just as they are.......
If you don't care, things are just as they are.......
Acceptance is the key to serenity.
Yes!
Third the motion here!
"When you discard arrogance, complexity, and a few other things that get in the way, sooner or later you will discover that simple, childlike, and mysterious secret known to those of the Uncarved Block: Life is Fun."
Benjamin Hoff - The Tao of Pooh
A book I attempt to live by (and some days even manage to do so).
signed:
drkazmd65 - aspiring Uncarved Block
No, people shouldn't care about insignificant details like manicures and whether their children eat enough spicy food, but what if something terrible happened, like you lost your house or got cancer: would you care then? This "happiness project" seems more like a way to close one's eyes to the inherent suffering of existence by focusing on meaningless crap that is obviously not even worth thinking about.
I think that you are totally missing the point here. Of course there are problems and issues in the world that should concern all of us, either inidvidually or as a society; but, it is only if we are able to personally cause change that we should take personal responsibility of the issues. In our personal lives, there are so many people living in the shadow of judgment of others in matters that really are of little concern to the world and should be of less concern to the individual. For example, if the environment is an issue that concerns one, get involved to the level that you can to make a change. Likewise, if you leave the house not totally made up and groomed like a model or an actress, "why should you care" if you get looks for messy hair or lack of make up. It is the judgment of others of insignificant matters that usually impact most people and their confidence level. Because we are a shallow society, we tend to be neurotic about these shallow issues, a lot of this due to the advertising media, fashion programming, gossip and beauty magazines, from the feminine perspective. As for men, they are influenced similarly by the advertising media and the competitive nature of the male species, from viagra to underground fight clubs.
I see it more as caring about the things you have control over and letting go of caring about things you don't. You, personally, may not have control over who becomes president but you do have control over how much you give to the candidate of your choice in terms of time, money, talent and energy. Same for causes you believe in and humanity in general.
Placing concern on things one does not have control over in lieu of caring about things one CAN control is a form of denial and laziness: since I try and fail to control the uncontrollable, at least I tried and am a good martyr because the world is against me and my beliefs. Better yet, I think the issue is better defined as "obsession" or "possessiveness" than caring. And knowing what to hold onto and what to release: other people's lives certainly fit into that category. If you cannot make yourself happy, you certainly don't know how to make others happy.
I don't think its just a control issue. I think its a choice issue. Rubin used examples like fake nails and her pre-schooler's dressing habits, both things she can control, but chooses not to care.
While control is part of the equation, and definitely applicable to those who would obsess about things they cannot change; I think the larger issue is choice. Of the things you can control, choose what truly matters.
She doesn't mean you should not care about anything, but that you should not worry about other's opinions..
Dzuh,
You spelled your name incorrectly. There is no "z" in "Duh."
Don't sweat the small stuff...
Good post -- sometimes, if I take in too much media my feelings get so stirred up and of course that's what the media appeals to -- emotions, feelings. As a nation & now world our feelings are being constantly aroused and manipulated so that we'll buy or watch or listen, so that we'll get worked up about the something de jour. It's exhausting. Not caring is a valid choice, as long as there's perspective and I really endorse unplugging occassionally, detoxing from media -- and remembering, too, that wonderful piece of wisdom: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!
Here's another one, old Chinese saying: Only a fool worries.
Ha!
Life is never that simplistic - but ignorance is.
And ignorance is bliss.
If ignorance is bliss and happiness is a warm puppy, then ignorance is a warm puppy.
So hold your hand over a flame until the flesh burns chanting I don't care?
That was the best example that you could come up with?
I agree. Using G. Gordon Liddy's psychotic behavior to illustrate non-preference is not optimal. Liddy actually cared very much. His foolishness was an exercise in ego and striving to become something, in his case, tougher and more unfeeling than his opponents. It's actually the opposite of dispassion. One can care about important things, such as suffering and injustice, without becoming consumed with emotional pain as a result. Saying, "I don't care" when you're about to be upset about something just proves that you really care too much.
I do think we have to care. The secret is in fighting what happens or not. We must drop all resistance to what happens. It wastes energy and accomplishes nothing. Don't fight what is happening (you can't change the universe), but do intent for something different or better to happen tomorrow. That's the secret!
It just. Doesn't. Matter.
It just. Doesn't. Matter.
It just. Doesn't. Matter.
It just. Doesn't. Matter.
From Paul Scott's Raj Quartet: There is nothing I can do, there is nothing I can do, there is nothing I can do.
You are right. The guys at that rich camp across the lake will still get all the girls.
Thanks for getting the reference. I appreciate it.
It's a little strange to read this post on what is basically a political blog. While I think the "I don't care works out fine on the personal level" (I don't care that I am old and look nothing like I did when I was 30), I can't take that attitude to what is happening within our country or around the world. I don't care if war crimes are never investigated or if Constitutional liberties are not restored? No way. It's not a question of whether life is MEANT to be happy, but a question of is it really possible for life to be happy all the time. I don't think so, but I've read the most convinced atheists here, who believe in death as being the end after a miserable life, laud Mother Teresa because she did something very worth doing with that life. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think commitment is more important than 'I don't care' to leading a satisfying if not happy life.
Only care about things that matter AND that you can actually do something about. If you can do something about it, and it matters, then do it! Otherwise, why do you care?
Any parents out there whose small children proudly stride out the door in bizarre outfits: you can stop caring about that right now. Even a non-parent like me knows the drill.
Several years ago I was grocery shopping when a father and his preschool daughter entered the store. She was wearing a ballerina tutu and leotard, pink cowgirl boots and a rhinestone tiara. She knew that everyone loved the outfit she had put together all by herself because everyone was smiling. She thought she looked adorable and so did we.
Damn right I remembered hearing that candle flame story in some movie but count point it.
It was ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN and the actors were Deepthroat and Robert redford...
i think you have to take this in the right spirit. certainly, there are people who don't care about what they do as it effects others. they step on your toes and keep going. that's not the secret to happiness; that's the secret to meanness, and the people who do things like this always seem fairly unhappy, if you ask me. all the same, i don't think the author meant not to care about hurting others. i think she means give up the attachment to all the little hobgoblins going around in your mind that don't make a real difference. for example: someone asked me why my neighbor's fancy car was no longer around. did they default on their lease? i replied, i don't know and i don't care. i never pay attention to my neighbors car, what it is, or whether it is here or there, nevertheless speculate on why it is there or not there. and you know what? i know that i'm happier because i don't care about what "The Jones" have, lol.
That story about Liddy is from "All The President's Men."
I know a couple of malignant narcissists who care not at all...But I get your point.
It's a good post and I get the basic premise but at the same time our society is already living that premise out to its fullest. You see it both on a macro level and micro level a general indifference to each other and unwillingness to take othe people into account.
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