The Secret To Happiness: Don't Care!
I'm working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone's project will look different, but it's the rare person who can't benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now.
A friend told me this story, and I've never forgotten it, though the following anecdote about G. Gordon Liddy may not, in fact, be true; I've never verified it. According to my friend, Liddy once held his hand over a candle flame until his flesh burned. Someone asked, "What's your secret?" and he replied, "The secret is not to care."
I think about this phrase constantly: "The secret is not to care." Because if I don't want to let certain things make me unhappy, the secret is not to care. (Not to mention not caring about the weird grammar of the phrase.)
Recently a friend explained that although she doesn't enjoy getting manicures, she has to get them, because her hands must look nice for work (she has a fancy job). The last time I had a manicure was two years ago when my sister got married, and I know that even if I had my friend's job, I wouldn't get manicures. I just don't care, and because I don't care, I don't believe that other people care much either.
Another friend is honestly worried because his children don't have very adventurous tastes in foods. Again, I just don't care about that, so that worry doesn't make a difference to me. Of course, I care about things that other people don't care about.
I think this "secret" is important, because while we can't exercise complete control over the things we care about, we can take notice, remember that some of our concerns are idiosyncratic, and try to master them where appropriate. Mindfulness! Yikes, mindfulness turns out to be important everywhere I look. (Wondering how mindful you are? I'm not very. Here's a quiz.)
Often I invoke this phrase, "The secret is not to care," in a context where I find myself worrying about what other people will think. When I feel myself fussing about something, I ask myself, "Do I really care? Or is the secret not to care?"
I felt myself caring about the fact that my four-year-old often goes to school wearing hideous outfits. She loves to pick out her own clothes and tends to choose eye-popping combinations. I found myself wanting to explain to everyone, "She chose that herself! I didn't match that shirt with those pants!" Then I realized - the secret is not to care. Why shouldn't she pick out her own clothes to please herself? Why should I care? I don't care. And I let it go.
This observation by Samuel Johnson keeps springing to my mind: "Since every man is obliged to promote happiness and virtue, he should be careful not to mislead unwary minds, by appearing to set too high a value upon things by which no real excellence is conferred."
Accordingly, I'm not "setting too high a value" upon coordinated outfits on a pre-schooler, "by which no real excellence is conferred." The secret is not to care.
Have you found yourself caring about things you don't really care about? How do you address it?
* I see on Gimundo that the New Economics Foundation ranked Costa Rica as the world's happiest country. Interesting.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you'd like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the "at" sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I'm trying to thwart spammers.) Just write "Resolutions Chart" in the subject line.
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Perhaps it is not caring too much. Caring at the right level is what motivates people to change things that they are pretending not to care about. There is much wisdom in that that serenity prayer - something about having the courage to change the things you can, accepting the things you can't - and having the wisdom to know the difference. For me it is all about perspective taking. We tend to get worked up over the trivial things - and when I feel gobsmacked about something - I think about people who are currently dealing with bombs being dropped on their heads, suffering food shortages, or losing their homes through no fault of their own - just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. It's a simple chorus: "Don't worry, Be Happy." Easier said then done?
An even greater secret is choosing to be happy even if you DO care. Or perhaps to care about different things, worthwhile things, things that help others. Long long ago when I was a young girl in high school, home economics was taught and the wonderful lady who taught it also taught us about taking care of our bodies, balance our checkbooks (when we eventually got one), cook for ourselves and maybe our future families. Among other things she taught us how to give ourselves a manicure. 40 plus years later, I have never had someone else do my nails, and I'm fine with that. But I draw the line at a haircut! I wouldn't dare cut my own hair!
Caring...not caring. There is no difference.
Reality... what is it good for? Absolutely nothing.
Lick your image. Keep licking.
And the taste? A little salty, a little sour, but it's you.
I think that caring too much in a relationship is a recipe for disaster.
Sooner or later the less caring one will hurt the one who cares more.
And the more forgiveness that comes from the caring one, the more callous the less caring one. will become.
So, in that respect, I think it's a good idea to care less, and to stand up for oneself.
But in other areas of life, like working for justice and equality, especially for the disadvantaged and elderly, I think we need to care more, not less.
Your comment makes me so sad, although I don't believe that this is the type of "caring" the author was referring to in the article.
My sister once told me (regurgitating some pop-culture self-help or goodness help me "Sex in the City" plotline, forgive my lack of proper citation here), that in every relationship there is one party who loves the other just a little less. And it's that person who has the power. It seems to me that's what you're describing, with one person caring less than the other.
I have known relationships like this, with friends, family, lovers. And I can tell you right out, as true and present as this imbalance of caring (or love or sentiment) is, it is the mark of a potentially dysfunctional relationship.
I concede that real equality (whatever that may mean to you) may not exist the way we think or hope, but being comfortable in a relationship where you give as much as you can and receive in equal measure is certainly possible and attainable.
It is my hope that you read this response because withdrawing from a loved one, pretending (or actually trying) not to care so much is ridiculous. If this is all you have known, having to be aloof, having to stand up for yourself within an intimate context where you should in fact be able to be vulnerable, I am sorry.
Thanks for your thoughtful comments, SharonyIsrael.
This was the point of my post: It is not about equality, but equity.
Many people in a relationship give too much, make too many sacrifices, only to have the other party (ies) take advantage. Certainly that becomes dysfunctional, especially if it continues for many years.
By "caring too much", individuals often lose sight of their own needs and desires.
In time, moving away from providing so much to a significant other (whether it is a parent, a child, a sibling or a spouse) and beginning to take care of oneself is not "ridiculous", as you so bluntly put it, it is an effort to guarantee emotional and psychological health.
I
A greased pig is hard to catch -- quite slippery indeed. Where if you learn to sit calmly in the mud and learn to enjoy the cool revitalizing aspect of slop (mud mask dear, mud peel honey), the hog might come over and lick your face.
Indifference is the highest but to be indifferent is not to be cold, it is simply to be accepting of all that is without emotion, without fear, without judgment, without anticipation, expectation or any of the things whose contrasting manifestation disappoints, lets down, saddens, destroys, pains, hurts, and otherwise ravages. For if you seek it and you do not get it then by definition of indoctrination you manifest the contrary response to achievement, success, or triumph. Better to not conceive of happiness as something to covet (just be happy) and thereby know not sadness. This is difficult to do, but signs of the logic are everywhere.
Be happy -- not with thought of label or being.
II
“Can you be a little baby? The baby howls all day, yet its throat never gets hoarse. It makes fists all day, yet its fingers never get cramped. It stares all day without blinking its eyes ‑ it has no preferences in the world of externals. To move without knowing where you are going, to sit at home without knowing what you are doing, traipsing and trailing about with other things, riding along with them on the same wave ‑ this is the basic rule of life‑preservation.
The Perfect Man joins with others in seeking his food from the earth. But he does not become embroiled with them in gossip or in questions of profit and loss. He does not join them in their shady doings, he does not join them in their plots, he does not join them in their projects. Brisk and unflagging, he goes; rude and unwitting, he comes. This is what is called the basic rule of life‑preservation.”
--Chuang Tzu
Several years ago, a close friend of my parents' [an adopted "aunt"] that I hadn't seen much came to one of my art openings. My kids were entering their early teens, and we'd all just come through a divorce.
My friend's family was one of those model families, so far beyond Brady Bunch it boggled the mind. So I asked her, while I had her there, what the secret was to raising happy teens. She looked me in the eye and misted up a little bit, and said, "Choose your battles."
What she meant was that I should decide what was worth fighting for, and what wasn't. So, when my daughter went through her Wednesday Addams phase, I barely blinked an eye, but when she started asking to get a tattoo, I put my foot down [I did allow for a pierced lip- which now, six years later, has grown over].
Long story short, my "Aunt" gave me some seriously good advice- which I also extended to other areas of my life and used in the ways that Ms Rubin discusses above.
The source of this wisdom? Said "Aunt's" beautiful son, and his battle with cancer.
Life is just way too short to waste it on the petty things.
Yes -- meaning synthesized beautifully and clearly.
@picard922
Absolutely agree. I went through a divorce several years ago in which I had the worst time adjusting to being apart from my 3 kids. Their mother would always threaten to move out of town (which she did several times). I "cared" about NOT putting the kids through an ugly custody battle but it drove me crazy not to be their 24 hour 'daddy protector'. One day I was talking to my divorce attorney and he told me something that I have never forgotten: "Man, you care too much". I was taken aback by this, "how could I care too much about my kids???". My attorney told me that his male clients who "didn't care" seemed to be the most happy of all his clients. They move on, they re-marry, their lives never skip a beat. They even seem to have better relationship with their kids. They refuse to get pulled into any drama or competition with their ex-wives regarding the kids. I fit more into the 'detached' than 'not caring' but I sleep better at night because of it and my ex-wife learned that the more she tried to keep the kids from me, the more the kids wanted to see me. I learned to LET GO!
sometimes i think it is worth the effort to care. its seldom worth the effort to fight though -- as in fighting your kids over their unadventurous tastebuds isn't going to be a win for anyone. you can think of more adventurous things to do -- especially with pre-dinner kiddie hors doeurves. when they are hungry break out the samosas for a first course. let them wait til the second course for what they want. kids aren't going to be adventurous unless you are too.
i have always thought of some footprints in the sand hallmark kind of thing as a great guide for life -- a happy child is a gift from god, a happy old person is a work of art. so in my opinion it takes insight and a lot of work to shrug off the poop -- which is a little different from not caring at all.
i was talking to my barber and he gave me the words i didn't have before -- we were talking about who we admired. i mentioned the people at that comb the beach and all you see is their head with a big hat as they walk way way out in the water, a hostess at a restaurant when i was kid that wore leather miniskirts and fuzzy red sweaters -- and was well in her 60s. the said i wanted to be old -- i said i wanted to be really happy.
Likely a better route to happiness is less self interest and actually more caring.
Bill Couzens Founder Less Cancer
I bet my neighbors didn't care about my need for sleep when they had a party from 2 AM to 4 AM... While I agree that we sometimes care too much about what others think, we also need to practice respect. Maybe this is similar to the serenity prayer: "Let me develop the serenity to let go of the things I don't need to care about and the courage to care about the things that matter and the wisdom to know the difference."
At least you have a bed with a roof over your head.
Besides, if you were brought up in a large family, you would be able to sleep through the night easily.
We need to worry less about minute details and focus on the big picture. Do I care if someone dislikes me? Not really. Do I care if I see a random innocent person on the street (especially children) being harassed? Absolutely and count on the fact that I'll do something about it. The key is knowing when to let things go, and when you really need to care. I care about our environment, I care about the welfare of animals, I care about what's happening in our country in general. People need to care about these types of things, topics that affect us all. If I break a nail? Nah, not so much.
I admit clothes are not a good example. However, manners and how we treat others, well, you have to instill a certain amount of "caring" about and for others to do that. I don't think "I don't care" is the answer. As someone else stated, as Americans we are very very good at not caring. Start small and it works to a much larger, global, I don't care attitude. Thus, wrong on many levels.
yeah
the candle burned my hand story was from liddy in a playboy interview.
he was a teenager and did it sitting on the floor in a closet.
he did it cause he's an american badass you know.
oh, and has a radio show too or did. that alone makes you smarter and more meaner automatically.
So, true; we must learn not to sweat the small stuff. It is more important to make sure that a child has the essentials and not to concern ourselves with what clothes they wear. No need to worry about what other people who do not pay your rent, buy your clothes or your food and do not determine whether you live or die; think about anything that you do or wear. If we stop buying into other people's issues; we would be a lot happier. I did it a long time ago and my life is virtually stress free because of it.
I used to take Prozac and Zoloft (though not at the same time) for depression due to suicidal ideation, mostly due to my perception of what a lousy life I have. Several years ago I quit caring about a LOT of things, my status at work, my bad relationships, my lack of success, and little by little the depression lifted. I now find it amusing that I used to let such things affect me so badly that death seemed preferable to another day. I wouldn't call what I have happiness, but it beats misery by a country mile.
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