The Secret To Happiness: Don't Care!

I'm working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone's project will look different, but it's the rare person who can't benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now.

A friend told me this story, and I've never forgotten it, though the following anecdote about G. Gordon Liddy may not, in fact, be true; I've never verified it. According to my friend, Liddy once held his hand over a candle flame until his flesh burned. Someone asked, "What's your secret?" and he replied, "The secret is not to care."

I think about this phrase constantly: "The secret is not to care." Because if I don't want to let certain things make me unhappy, the secret is not to care. (Not to mention not caring about the weird grammar of the phrase.)

Recently a friend explained that although she doesn't enjoy getting manicures, she has to get them, because her hands must look nice for work (she has a fancy job). The last time I had a manicure was two years ago when my sister got married, and I know that even if I had my friend's job, I wouldn't get manicures. I just don't care, and because I don't care, I don't believe that other people care much either.

Another friend is honestly worried because his children don't have very adventurous tastes in foods. Again, I just don't care about that, so that worry doesn't make a difference to me. Of course, I care about things that other people don't care about.

I think this "secret" is important, because while we can't exercise complete control over the things we care about, we can take notice, remember that some of our concerns are idiosyncratic, and try to master them where appropriate. Mindfulness! Yikes, mindfulness turns out to be important everywhere I look. (Wondering how mindful you are? I'm not very. Here's a quiz.)

Often I invoke this phrase, "The secret is not to care," in a context where I find myself worrying about what other people will think. When I feel myself fussing about something, I ask myself, "Do I really care? Or is the secret not to care?"

I felt myself caring about the fact that my four-year-old often goes to school wearing hideous outfits. She loves to pick out her own clothes and tends to choose eye-popping combinations. I found myself wanting to explain to everyone, "She chose that herself! I didn't match that shirt with those pants!" Then I realized - the secret is not to care. Why shouldn't she pick out her own clothes to please herself? Why should I care? I don't care. And I let it go.

This observation by Samuel Johnson keeps springing to my mind: "Since every man is obliged to promote happiness and virtue, he should be careful not to mislead unwary minds, by appearing to set too high a value upon things by which no real excellence is conferred."

Accordingly, I'm not "setting too high a value" upon coordinated outfits on a pre-schooler, "by which no real excellence is conferred." The secret is not to care.

Have you found yourself caring about things you don't really care about? How do you address it?

* I see on Gimundo that the New Economics Foundation ranked Costa Rica as the world's happiest country. Interesting.

* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you'd like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the "at" sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I'm trying to thwart spammers.) Just write "Resolutions Chart" in the subject line.

Comments

[ProfessorDuh]

The stoics figured that out some thousands of years ago.

[hopefulnana]

Of course you do realize in thirty years your four year old will look at family photos and say "Mother! How could you let me leave the house looking like that?!" Been there, done that. Although the haircut mine gave herself with pinking shears was a bit much.

And aren't there so many more people you could have used as an example of letting go and not caring than a soc io path? Easy not to care when you have no empathy.

[neotrantor]

The candle story is from the movie Lawrence of Arabia and was originally a match not a candle.

[MO-JM]

I think that avoiding worry is one important key to happiness. That's good advice and it is sound.

But I don't think that "not caring" is a good prescription for anything.

[superstition]

I think Americans have apathy down pretty well, actually.

[ebanks84]

You got that right. Too much I would say!

[aspecialed]

WE"RE NUMBER ONE!
WE"RE NUMBER ONE!
WE"RE NUMBER ONE!

[macweenie]

Meh.

[aspecialed]

LOL!!

[Linda Murphy]

I feel I struggle to reach the appropriate balance between who & what to care about and not to care about.

Caring about others is quintessentially part of our humanness, isn't it? From a more clinical, scientific or biological standpoint, caring for others is how our species survives and thrives, n'est pas?

On the other hand, caring too much about what others think & feel can keep us frozen in unhealthy patterns.

I feel a need to examine, explore, and redefine who and what I care about fairly often. We're each responsible for choosing our own values and what is of importance to us, as adults. I'm not sure how responsible children and teens are for these choices, but I think they learn from the other people around them how to make the choices.

[picard922]

I believe it's true that the only significance is the significance we bring. Yet, in my mind, there is a discernible and important emotional distinction between feigning indifference when one really cares very much and simply letting go. Denying suffering is not the same as owning and releasing it. One is dysfunctional; the other is healthy. Buddhists have observed this for thousands of years. It's called detachment.

[pennywhite]

Wow, I can tell by some of these comments that there are some pretty rigid, way too serious people out there determined not to cut themselves or anyone else any slack. But you know what? I don't care!

[Amazone]

allow me to say " I do not agree with your statement", even if you don't care about my opinion... :)

We need to care and teach our kids about humanity, otherwise we will breed a civilization of selfish mean-spirited people....­we shouldn't spend our time worrying about everything and everybody but please don't say "The secret is not to care"....a­u contraire!

[Marjorie Rothstein]

Great posting. I remember another great mantra from Terry Cole Whitaker, "What you think of me is none of my business". I will now add "I don't care" and already feel freedom!

[Ruth Harnisch]

My "not to care" inspiration is Madonna. Early in her career, she was confronted by reporters with the news that nude photos of her had surfaced. She simply replied, "So?"
I often share this with coaching clients as an all-purpose response - it's the most powerful two-letter combo I've yet discovered.
-Ruth Ann Harnisch @ruthannharnisch on Twitter

[SonofLiberty1]

Don't children need to learn limits? Do you think they inherantly know what's in good or bad taste?
Parents are our very first teachers Gretchen, and you should know that!

[zombie fairy]

Ah, but taste is in the eye of the beholder, really. I also believe that "good taste" is simply an adult code for "conformity". Who is going to hurt if a kid chooses to wear a flowered blouse with plaid pants or puts together outfits that Mom considers hideous?

[Amazone]

you chose the example of "clothing" and I agree with you on that......
But what about the parents teaching their kids how to behave and mind other people surrounding them...we are a society and ones selfishness needs to have limits and boundaries