Twelve Tips for Acting Like a True Friend

Everyone from Aristotle to Martin Seligman agrees that friendship is one of the keys to happiness.

No one would argue that they DON'T want strong friendships, but the trick is figuring out how, exactly, to keep your friendships strong.

Here twelve tips for how to act like a true friend:

1. Be supportive when your friend has bad news. This is perhaps the most critical duty of a friend.

2. Be supportive when your friend has good news. This is trickier; surprisingly, it's sometimes harder to be supportive when someone gets a promotion, gets engaged, or enjoys other good fortune, than it is to be supportive when someone is going through a hard time.

3. Don't gossip. It's not nice. Also, although it may be fun to gossip about Pat with Jean, Jean is probably going to feel wary of being your friend -- you're not trustworthy. Along the same lines...

4. Keep a secret. One of the most satisfying aspects of friendship is that it allows two people to confide in each other. Spilling secrets will destroy that. Ah, it's so delicious to disclose a secret -- but you have to resist.

5. Exchange favors. Along with the feeling of intimacy, one of the best parts of friendship is the feeling of support it provides. And while getting support is important, giving support may be even more important for boosting happiness.

6. Don't criticize a friend's sweetheart or spouse -- and, at the other extreme, don't flirt with a friend's sweetheart or spouse.

7. Be kind to a friend's children.

8. Be friendly to a friend's friends. In fact, in a phenomenon called "triadic closure," people tend to befriend the friends of their friends -- and this is very satisfying. Friendships thrive on inter-connection, and it's both energizing and comforting to feel that you're building not just friendships, but a social network.

9. Show up. Sometimes a friend wants you to show up someplace when you'd really rather not: a wedding in Topeka; a surprise party that falls on New Year's Eve, when you'd rather be doing something else. Recognize a command performance, and don't miss it.

Bonus activities:

10. Remember birthdays.

11. Be nice to their pets.

12. Help a friend think big. Nothing is more encouraging than a friend throwing out some huge goal and saying, "You should do that!" "You should write a book, you should start your own firm, you should run for office, you should join the Council on Foreign Relations." You never know, sometimes one encouraging comment can have extraordinary effect on someone's life.

Have I overlooked anything?

If you'd like to read more about happiness, check out Gretchen's daily blog, The Happiness Project, and join the Happiness Project group on Facebook to swap ideas.

Comments

[IsaacKuo]

I think you missed the obvious companion to "Show Up", and that's to Invite Them. It takes effort to get together with friends regularly, but without making this effort you just end up drifting apart from them.

[Sir681]

Yes, you have, and arguably the most important criterion. Accept your friends for who they are and as they are, flaws and all.

[Jude2004]

After reading your blog for over a year, reading Seligman's book years before that, and taking every quiz on the Authentic Happiness website, today I found myself searching for an anecdote to all this happiness talk. I stuck this book in my Amazon queue: Against Happiness: In Praise of Melancholy by Eric Wilson. I'm looking forward to reading it.

Anyway, it would be great if you would stop using platitudes such as "everyone....agrees that friendship is one of the keys to happiness." and "No one would argue that they DON'T want strong friendships...." It's just not true. Everyone isn't seeking happiness. Everyone isn't seeking friendship.

[LetterLover]

"Everyone isn't seeking happiness."

I'm so sorry that your bitterness has blocked out even the longing for happiness. I understand we won't always find happiness, but to stop seeking it is to stop living a worthwhile existence.