May 26th
So far my trip across America has been spectacular. It's so much better than when I was campaigning with Grandpa Grumpyballs. He never let the bus go more than 45 miles an hour and he had the turn signal on the whole time.

I've met so...

Dear Diary:

Another ho-hum day in the sticks. I'm going out of my skull with boredom. The lack of internet access is killing me. No Blackberry, no iPhone, I can't even check the golf scores. A couple years ago I used to Google myself a couple times a day, just...

Today the National Pharmaceutical Association unveiled its latest product, a drug called "Charlie Sheen" (Latin name "Carlos Estevez"). The pharmaceutical reps had hoped to keep this wonder drug under wraps until more testing was done, but since its existence was revealed last week, they are releasing it early.

The drug...

As I predicted in 2010, nobody asked me to make my annual predictions for 2011. It turns out that this is the only prediction I got right last year, but I see no reason to let this stop me. Sometimes wrong predictions have a way of working out. For instance...

Turner Classic Movies host Robert Osborne is the silver-haired, silver-tongued hero to millions of people whose idea of a new movie is one that came out during the second half of the Great Depression. I actually met him once at the Friars Club in Manhattan. The Friars used to be...

I've been spending a couple weeks hanging out in western Massachusetts, which is known as the Berkshires. It's a region famous for its beautiful mountains, outdoor music concerts and restaurants run by people who hate food.

The most reliable source of grub I've found up here so far is...

Thanks to Netflix and what economists are calling the jobless recovery, I've almost caught up with AMC's "Breaking Bad." If you haven't seen this show, it's got the same plot as Showtime's "Weeds," except that instead of Mary Louise Parker selling cheeba-cheeba, it's the dad from "Malcolm in the Middle"...

I used to have two good excuses for getting out of doing anything I didn't want to do:

#1 "I'm working and can't go."
#2 "I worked all week and I need to rest (in front of the TV)."

Now that I've been drafted into the army of the...

Tiger Woods has been tearing up the fairways at the Masters this week, but his first and toughest challenge was getting through a press conference. Tiger aced it, if only because no new waitresses popped up during the questioning to say that Tiger had made sweet, sweet love to them...

Being unemployed in Los Angeles has given me lots of new skills and interests. For instance, ever since the repo man took back my laptop, I've discovered that you can also read the news in something called "newspapers." Some of these "newspapers" cost money, but you can get them for...

It's one of those Hollywood rules that most meetings are a waste of time. However, I'm still between jobs in L.A., so when my agent told me he wanted me to "take" my first meeting with a studio executive, I didn't mind. My meeting was to be at Dreamworks SKG,...

Joe Biden is right about the passage of the Health Care Reform Act: This is a big fucking deal. Because now that he and President Obama have stripped away every American's inalienable right to die broke without health insurance, it's time for America to start setting up the Death Panels....