Death Panels for Everyone: A Health Care Q & A

05/24/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Joe Biden is right about the passage of the Health Care Reform Act: This is a big fucking deal. Because now that he and President Obama have stripped away every American's inalienable right to die broke without health insurance, it's time for America to start setting up the Death Panels. Yes, Sarah Palin was telling the truth about Death Panels. (Don't feel bad: even a blind squirrel occasionally finds a nut.)

In order to make it easy for the average American, the government has printed a brochure called "Death Panels for Everyone." Here are some excerpts:

Q. Who will serve on the Death Panels?

A. All citizens (or comrades, if you prefer) will be eligible to serve, with the following exceptions:

1. Doctors

2. Morticians (no fair drumming up business)

3. Anyone who has appeared on MTV's "Tool Academy"

4. Anyone who has admitted to watching MTV's "Tool Academy"

5. Cigarette manufacturers and the guy who designed the Prius brake system, because hey guys, you've already done enough.

Q. How will I be notified that I've been picked to serve on a Death Panel?

A. The Angel of Death will pass over your house and summon you at Midnight during a howling thunderstorm that rends the heavens and drenches the earth. Or you'll get a certified letter. Which ever's easier.

Q. Will my vote be secret?

A. Not to the old lady you just iced.

Q. How will I cast my vote?

A. The voting procedure will involve:

1. a white marble

2. a black marble

3. three long straws

4. one short straw

5. two dueling pistols

6. a bottle of brandy

7. an arena filled with townspeople who each get to pick a stone and then fling it.

(In case of a tie, all decisions will be made by the Supreme Court, which will always pick George W. Bush to win.)

Q. Will I be paid to serve on a Death Panel?

A. Let me get this straight... You get to pull the plug Grandma and you want to get paid? We should be charging you. (However, if you do vote to kill Grandma, you may get a small check from Grandpa.)

Q. Will I miss my chance to serve on a Death Panel if Republicans repeal the Health-Care Bill?

A. If you think the Republicans will repeal the Health-Care Bill, then you shouldn't be on a Death Panel, you should be on MTV's "Tool Academy."