Today I have realized that I am surrounded by angels. They have appeared over the past year in many different guises, but nevertheless I feel that the universe has delivered these people to me to support and walk me through this huge change and transition in my life. All I had to do was open my heart to them and allow them to help me. I have never in my life felt so truly loved, nurtured and cared for.
All of my life I have felt like I didn't fit in, didn't belong. I have been running and numbing myself from a great pain that I have held within me. In order to numb myself in one way or another I have had my finger on the permanent self-destruct button and found all manner of ways to press it, until now. At the 11th hour, the gift of this cancer is to teach me that I can't keep running away from myself, I can't keep turning all of my pain, anger and grief inwards because I am literally killing myself. I can't keep living in denial about the destruction that I have caused myself. Sitting with my own mortality and accepting that I may have to say goodbye to this world much earlier than I wanted to has brought a sense of peace. I have not given up, not for a second, and I truly believe in my heart that I will heal from this, but the healing will come from within and not from the orthodox medicine way of just treating the symptom.
I start chemo tomorrow, and I feel very calm about it. I remember the night before I started chemo last time and how I felt on the morning of my first cycle. I was terrified. I felt lonely, isolated and like no one really cared. I was in such a dark place. At that time, I was having chemo as my "insurance policy" to ensure the cancer didn't come back, as I had already had the tumor removed via a lumpectomy. I had been told that I was already cured of the cancer because it had been removed from my body. How crazy that sounds now. This time around, I am having chemo to save my life, and yet I feel calm about it. I have done everything within my power to prepare my body for this. I have pumped my body full of raw, organic, plant-based food and high-quality plant-based supplements. I have cut through all of the noise of all the many different approaches and suggestions that have been fired at me over the past week and instinctively found the team of special healing people who will work with me to heal me from within.
I start the real work on Friday with a very special doctor, Kim Jobst, who is both medically trained in the orthodox sense, a physician in integrated medicine, a medical homeopath, trained in Chinese acupuncture, Jungian training analysis and a DeMartini facilitator. After a deeply profound conversation with him, I knew instinctively that he, along with Danielle Marchant and Carlyle Jenkins, would be my team. These are the people who will truly heal me, not the poison that is to be administered into my body tomorrow.
Of course, once you leave the orthodox NHS approach of cut it, poison it or fry it, you are on your own financially, and it is only through the huge generosity of those who have supported me that I am able to follow this path. It is not cheap at all, but you can't put a price on living.
I took a visit to Planet Organic today and have stocked my cupboard with healthy raw, vegan food as well as plant-based supplements to boost my health and reset my immune system. It's going to need all the help it can get over the coming months while the chemo attacks it. Rebooting my immune system and function is one of the keys to reversing the cancer. It is only with the help of the money that I have raised so far that I am able to afford to go and buy all of this stuff. I made myself a power-packed superfood smoothie this evening with all of the wonderful supplements and powders, and I was literally buzzing with health as I drank it and afterwards. I will need to drink these every day to bring my body back to health and equilibrium.
So now it's time to rest and give my body the best chance to cope with the really tough part of the journey.
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Until next time...
Love Hannah x
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