Recently, there was a blog post by the organization To Write Love on Her Arms that really resonated with me. It's called "I Will Become What I Deserve," which is a powerful line of one of my favorite songs, "The Fear" by Ben Howard. Here is the link to the blog post for anyone who would like to read it.
And if you haven't heard this song, I highly recommend listening to it:
This is powerful. Moving. Inspiring. Enlightening. Beautiful. Brilliant.
Just like the song.
Become. I will become what I deserve. TWLOHA says, 'Become' means it hasn't happened yet. 'Become' will take some time. 'Become' will require hope."
Change is part of becoming. Change. Oh, how that word can make people cringe.
I've always been a person to think that change in the world can happen. We can find peace. We can end these wars and stop these crimes and help people recover from the damage that has been done. However, I'm also the type of person that thinks that change in a person is impossible. A person cannot just change. When someone tells me "I've changed. I'm a different person now than I was before." I literally laugh out loud. Because a person can't change. No one can ever change. But how do I just assume that we can change the world without considering that the people have to change to make it happen? And how do I not believe those who claim to have changed, when I have made an extreme effort to change over the past year?
Maybe I just haven't looked at it correctly. Or maybe I am just a walking contradiction. Maybe what I never took into consideration was the time that it can take a person to change. Change doesn't happen overnight. It doesn't happen in the two weeks that most people are dedicated to until they get tired of trying. We are creatures of habit. And until something drastic happens that truly makes us question our motives, we won't change. Change requires time. Change requires commitment. Commitment to be a better person. To be the person we've always wanted to be. Not to be what someone else wants us to be. Is the motive for change for ourselves or for someone else? Because if it's someone else, I would be willing to bet that the change you're trying for isn't going to happen.
We have to want it with every essence of our being. We have to wake up in the morning, wipe the sleep from our eyes, and tell ourselves that today will be different. It didn't happen yesterday and it won't happen tomorrow unless it happens today. And today is what we have to try for. One foot at a time. For your OWN reasons. Not someone else's.
We can't "become" unless we change something now that is holding us back from what we want. But to become what we want, we must first accept what we are. And that may be the hardest part. But then we must ask ourselves what we deserve and what we want to become.
From personal experience, I have learned that degrading yourself isn't going to get you very far in that open road of "Change." We all make mistakes. Every day there is something we wish we would've done better. But we can't harbor our thoughts on that. Accept it, and let it help you move forward. This is where I have trouble. I often think lowly myself because I don't feel like I deserve anything I have. I sink into thoughts on my mistakes and my wrongs instead of my rights. This is where "The Fear" comes in. Whenever I get to this point, "The Fear" is the song that I play in my head. "I will become what I deserve." And you know what? I may do bad things from time to time. I may make mistakes. But we all do. And I deserve much more than putting myself down for it. I deserve to give myself credit for what I do right. I deserve to be happy and follow my heart wherever it leads me. I deserve to be proud of my accomplishments. I WILL become what I deserve. And to do that, I must change my thoughts, actions, words. I must change the way I perceive myself. I must change those negative thoughts into positive ones, because I deserve it.
I will become someone who never backs down from the challenges life oh-so fairly distributes. I will become someone who forgives instead of holding on to old wounds. I will become someone who opens their heart to new ideas and realities. I will become someone who says and does what they preach. I will become a story that is waiting, aching, hoping, praying to be told. I will become the happy ending, no matter how many teardrops have stained the pages. Because that much, that much I deserve.
This is my pledge. I will become what I deserve.
So what do you deserve? What will you become?