THE BLOG
04/02/2013 10:07 am ET Updated Jun 02, 2013

Bates Motel Episode 3: Winter Is Coming

Everyone's favorite variety comedy duo, Norman and Norma Bates, are back this week and things are starting to smell rotten. Very rotten. Could be either the rotting body in the lake, the bloody belt that Norman saved from the murder and kept under his bed, or a vile-sounding turkey pot pie that Norma claims to have "made". Or it could be the stench of Norman Jr's healthy brain cells dying and horrific psychopath brain cells growing in place. Things are taking a turn for the dark and Norman's psychic string is coming quickly unraveled.

Dylan's a bad guy too. He's purchased a gun. Admittedly he looks pretty cool, especially when he sticks the loaded weapon into his belt loop with no regard for safety, and then practices being threatening in the mirror. He walks in on Norma and Norman ("hello, Mr. and Mrs. Bates") eating breakfast and announces he's got a job. Everyone's like, "whatttt?" I said 'what" too. Who has time to eat breakfast anymore? Sheesh. What Dylan doesn't say is that he's got a job with the crying guy from the strip club in last week's episode, which probably makes for interesting "so, how did you get into your line of work" conversations at all the church potlucks I'm sure Dylan attends. Double surprise, the job is overseeing the big pot fields. Oh, also: he's already got a weird coworker who keeps calling Dylan a "noob" because that is a cool thing to say that makes the sayer sound cool.

Tubette corners Norman at school, scared because they saw those guys farming pot. He tells her to calm down. Oh, Tubette, she of the pleading puppy eyes and unfortunate skirt-sweater combos and overflowing love for a man who can never love her back. She's so into Norman and he's not that into it, and the more distance he puts the more she latches on. For example, he asks for his violent porn journal back and she gives him a tough time. If this were real high school they'd probably need to set a meeting with the guidance counselor and everyone's parents. But it's weird Bates school, so instead Norman just goes to class and continues to look at his creepy domme diary and having weird psychological lapses where he imagines killing his teacher. Causing him to pass out.

The school sends him to the hospital right away for "tests". Norma shows up and then almost immediately leaves to make it home for a carpet delivery, because she is a bad parent (note: if you avoid murdering a guy on your FIRST carpet, you won't risk having to leave your son's hospital bedside to sign for your NEW carpet). Luckily Bus Stop Girl comes by with a hideous fuschia potted plant. "You're so brave!" She says. Yeah, real brave. Then she climbs in bed with him. Into the hospital bed. She explains, "My father's probably dead by now thanks to that burned up car. What's this movie? I love movies. Do you? Sigh. I just want to be happy. You gonna drink your weird hospital chocolate milk? If not I'll drink it. I'm useful like that."

Sheriff Richard Alpert comes by the house again, this time with a warrant, and the police do a search. Norman's hospital tests were negative, so he gets to come home. Obviously they didn't test for "acute psychosexually-traumatized-schizo-porn-looker disease". He then freaks out post-police investigation because he took Fat Rapist's belt after the murder as a keepsake and now it's missing and he thinks they took it and oh, crud. Norma: "You stupid idiot! are you trying to get us caught?" Mother of the year, right here! Poor Norman. I feel genuinely bad for him.

Back to Dylan. Turns out this town is built on pot trade. His whole job is to guard the town's pot field, which oddly makes him like a cop or night watchman, and it seems find except for some goofy whispering. BEWARE THE BLACK SMOKE MONSTER, Dylan! Emma comes back to the Bates house and demands Norman continue to look for that dead Chinese porn journal girl. She shows him all the "clues" she's amassed. These guys are like Mary Kate and Ashley level of crime solving. Meanwhile resident Sensitive Frat Boy Deputy "Sympathy" Shelby has a soft spot for Norma, as is evident by the fact that he knows she's a murderer and yet still finds it in himself to invite her over for a home cooked meal. He knows, he knows everything. His solution: "I can fix this!" Okay, DS. Go ahead..."save" Norma Bates.

Dylan comes home for a heart to heart with Norman. You need to get out, man" says Dyl. (But he does man, he went to a cool teen party, you weren't home to see it.) "Also you almost killed me!" Well, that is true. Norman apologizes. "It's cool" says Dylan. Then Norman falls asleep in his mother's bed, as all normal, well-adjusted 16 year old boys are wont to do. She comes home from her DS date, and it's clear that DS is already extorting her for sexual favors in exchange for silence about the belt, which he HAS. Again, all Norman Jr's fault. "Why would you want to keep a memento of that??" asks Norma. Er, because he harbors a deep-seeded hatred of you that will one day blossom into a full-on psychotic break resulting in a violent rampage? Just a guess.

Shortly after, Norman hallucinates a bunch and then decides his dreams are telling him he must break into Deputy Shelby's house and get that belt. Sporting his best "Weekend at Bernies II" gait, Norman starts off for the house, where (among other things) he finds A WEIRD, BIZARRO SEX DUNGEON WITH THE CHAINED UP SEX SLAVE FROM THE VIOLENT PORN JOURNALS. And then the episode ends.

...Right. We don't know if Norman's hallucinating this or not, but still. Forget oncoming winter, pretty sure winter is here. What do YOU believe? Our phone lines are now open. If you think Shelby's got some very unorthodox hobbies, enter "1". If you think Norman's mental state is far worse than we thought, enter "2". One lucky winner will receive a complimentary night's stay on Deputy Shelby's creepy four-poster sex bed, complete with a tour of Dylan's pot field. Tune in next week to see how the mystery unfolds.

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