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Bates Motel: Renaissance Man

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First, a little news -- Bates Motel: Armed and Fabulous just got renewed for a second season. So settle in, lambs, because this roller coaster is going to be going around the track for at least one more run.

Back to the important stuff. Deputy Shelby, local man of mystery, came out as a definite villain last week. There was an ongoing casual debate about whether he was keeping a conjugal slave in his basement sex prison, and the answer turned out to be "yes, he was." At any rate, the slave (her name is Jiao) has escaped to the loving clutches of America's favorite functional sitcom family. A real upgrade. They all think it's time to get the police involved (wait, is this the same police that runs a pot operation and employees sex maniacs?) but of course Norma won't do anything to incriminate Shelby until she reclaims Fat Rapist Keith Summers' belt. Oy, with this belt already. If someone doesn't destroy that belt in the next ten seconds I am going to crawl through my television screen, burn it, drop the mic and walk away.

Let's switch gears for a sec to talk about Norman, who had a big character reveal this week. As you know, Norman is a man of many projects. For example, he is currently a freelance sex dungeon investigator who also works days at breakin' hearts, while maintaining an illustrious second life as a murder-accessory hobbyist. He is so busy. What's next for him? We don't know. Maybe a scripted TV pilot, maybe a novel, maybe a studio album. We just don't know.

What we do know is that there's literally no end to the amount of surprises this kid has up his sleeve. For example, here's one little Knowledge Nugget that presented itself last night: did you know Norman killed his own dad? It's true. Just conked him right on the coconut with a kitchen appliance. Ashes, ashes, they all fall down. He did it to protect Norma. Shock of the century.

Dylan, however, does not know this. He believes it was Norma who killed their dad. We learn this as he and Norman are out on a creaky boat in the middle of a lake to dump that stupid belt overboard. You know, just some brotherly bonding. I wish they would not continue to dump deeply incriminating articles in this goddamn lake. Remember when they tried doing that with Keith's actual body? Look how that turned out.

Meanwhile, Shelby shows up at the hotel and has awkward, strange sex with Norma. She really should stop having sex with this man! Long story short, he realizes Jiao is in the motel. Don't you just hate it when your sex slave escapes? I know I do! She runs off, and Shelby knows he's in deep doo-doo. To make matters worse, Norman and Dylan arrive home to find Shelby attacking their mom. A gunfight ensues... leaving Shelby dead. Someone hauled the boat back out, looks like we've got another major felony to toss into the duck pond.

Dylan's had it. He flips out and accuses Norma of murdering his father. Between this and the gun fight, she's about had it too. "You crazy sons of bitches have it all wrong!" says Norma. Did you know that it's okay to refer to your own children as "crazy sons of bitches" on TV? It probably is now (unless of course Norma was actually yelling off-screen to a group of my ex-boyfriends! Yuk yuk yuk). She reveals she didn't kill Mr. Norma's Husband, it was Norman who did it while having one of his weird "Weekend at Bernie's II" blackouts. Huh?? And the 12-sided dice keeps rolling and rolling.

Tune in next week when...oh god, there are too many loose ends to tie up now. Just tune in, okay? People will probably die and sex slaves will probably be apprehended and another body will wash ashore from that lake. Just a guess. As we've learned, you never know with this crowd.