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What Would Ryan Lochte Do? Episode 4: Above Ab-erage

Posted: 05/14/2013 6:50 pm

Welcome back to your weekly run-down of What Would Ryan Lochte Do? (The jury was out last week, on a vacation.) But the past two episodes have been big for Ryan: first he introduced us to his elusive London love-interest Jaimee, and this week he's riding scooters and getting his abs cast in bronze. Let's review.

We open on the Lochte kitchen, where young Devon Lochte is testing the validity of an urban legend. Did you know that if you eat a bunch of bananas right in a row and drink a liter of soda directly afterwards it's a foolproof way to puke? I personally did not know that, but could have guessed that 4 bananas + 32 ounces of carbonated liquid > stomach capacity and also = disgusting. Regardless, it works. See what just happened there? In 45 seconds flat the Lochti have taught us, the viewers, another important life lesson about dangerous food combos that might induce vomit. Devon is really proving himself this week. While he is busy taking one for the team, Ryan is focused on "setting goals." In addition to having his heart surgically excised from his chest by Jaimee, he's been disappointed in some of his performances as of late and wants to work harder ("I did terrible at the Orlando Grand Prix." Terribly, Ryan. You did terrib-ly. Oh, forget it). He's also trying to "do something different" by tweeting deep thoughts on Twitter, which is a great way to amplify all of one's most profound sentiments on life and love. He even tosses around the idea of starting a line of baby clothes, because babies are always dressed poorly. He's actually correct on this front. Most babies are usually wearing clothing with prints of animals, toys, and other stupid stuff. I would love to see the Ryan Lochte Newborns line. All American infants should own in a Red Bull-stained beanie and a onesie that reads "jeah!" in Comic Sans.

But on to more serious talk. Last week Ryan was crestfallen when Jaimee returned to England, placing him once again in the self-described friendzone. His Palssistant Gene has a great surprise idea to lift his spirits: get a sculpture mold of Ryan's abs! You know, to place decoratively in the home, or to submit for curating at the National Museum of Abs. This is the opposite of a lackluster idea! Ryan's also nursing his battle wounds this week by ziplining right into the arms of Chantae, a fellow Olympian and bonafide female. Chantae competed in the heptathlon, which is seven events, and she is very muscular and probably an extremely capable person. Ryan takes her ziplining. Afterwards, he and his all-male entourage pressure her into shoving a whole s'more in her mouth in one bite, which only reeks slightly of the stealthy attrition of the male gaze.

Between having a woman deep-throat a baked good in front of him and getting a surprise ab-cast, things are looking up since the bittersweet Jaimee episode. Though our hero hints he may not be fully okay with himself just yet. Quoth Ryan: "When I see pictures of me next to the words "sexiest man alive," I don't get it! Like, why are they putting it there?" Hmm. Let's think real hard. Now, Ryan, I like you. I'm willing to go to bat for you. And I consent that you're not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. But for an Olympic swimmer, you should be able to dive a little deeper when fishing for compliments.

But again, I'm willing to look past this because I get it. We all get it. Even sweet little Devon the Banana Upchuck King gets it. Ryan Lochte is just a man. He's a little sad and it happens to be partially over a girl. He has feelings. They get hurt sometimes. Let's cut him a break. Deep down, even someone with a "Lochterage" and a shirt that reads "Yes, It's Me" is really no different from the rest of us -- a multimillionaire Olympian with the media on his side who's looking for love in his 20s.

 

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