11/26/2010 04:01 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Holiday Traveling: Why Didn't I Get Groped?

Everyone is making a huge Taco Tuesday about TSA's new enhanced screening methods that borders on sexual assault.

It was my turn to live the nightmare firsthand.

Yesterday I flew back to my native Minnesota for the holidays. Going through airport security I was paranoid to the point of profusely sweating.

All I could think was:

"Oh no! Here it comes. Here comes the groping. I'm going to get groped. I'm going to get the aggressive pat down -- the slow hand sliding up and down my inner-thigh, leading to my "junk" being grabbed. Here it comes!"

Then it didn't happen. All I could think was, "What!? Am I not pretty enough for you?"