Boiling It Down: The Benefits of Outsourcing

02/26/2014 12:46 pm 12:46:06 | Updated Apr 27, 2014

Newspaper reports have disclosed that Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs have recently moved to Minnesota. It is unclear where they have been living all of these years. The Dwarfs were miners: actually, they have been miners since they were minors. Apparently, in light of recent mine disasters, people at the U.S. Bureau of Mines became acutely aware of the mine that hired the Dwarfs. It was a small mine, with little tunnels. But the Government ordered the corporate owners to shut it down.

Given their lack of education and their ages, the Dwarfs could not find good-paying jobs in the private sector. The Government, however, was aware of some long-term studies of dwarfism at The Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. Seeing as it was an all-expenses paid gig, the Dwarfs decided to move to Minnesota.

First, they had to get there. The Dwarfs' leader was Snow White, who had been with them for what seemed like centuries. She had a major ego problem, in that she always referred to herself as a princess. But her full-time job in the summer was that of a major league baseball umpire. She performed her duties very well; her colleagues called her "the fairest of them all". Besides behaving like a princess, and being very fair, she had a fixation for mirrors.

In order to drive to Minnesota, Snow White rented an eight-passenger Escalade at considerable personal expense. She loaded all of the Dwarfs on board and proceeded to drive to Rochester. The trip was adventuresome. When they stopped for food, they needed a table for eight, with seven booster chairs. Their attire aroused attention: she wore her princess gown and the Dwarfs were decked out in their mining clothes with funny hats and shoes. In the evenings, they found a Holiday Inn. When Snow White registered for a room for herself and Seven Dwarfs (one king size bed), many an eyebrow was raised. But there was no hanky panky.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs arrived at The Mayo Clinic in late January. Snow White got a job shoveling snow at a retirement home. The Dwarfs resided at the clinic and became research subjects. On weekends, the Dwarfs were free to go as they pleased. They enjoyed traveling. But Snow White could not afford to rent Escalades every weekend for eight people.

She devised a unique solution to her transportation problem. She read in the papers about "The Night Before Christmas". In that news report, it stated that St. Nicholas (aka Santa Claus) had a crew of eight tiny reindeer who could fly. Taken literally, that meant that the reindeer were unemployed for 363 or 364 days a year. What if she could hire the tiny reindeer? The Dwarfs could ride them, fly on them, and then take care of them. Snow White composed an email to that effect and sent it to

Snow White and Santa Claus cut a deal, because the concept made sense to all parties concerned. Santa saved maintenance costs, and the Dwarfs could travel via reindeer. But Snow White had to assume full responsibility for the operation. She purchased reindeer insurance. And she decided to pair a Dwarf with a reindeer, committing each Dwarf to tending to his own reindeer. She made assignments. Happy and Vixen seemed to be a good match. She mated Doc with Cupid. Sneezy was with Blitzen, because it sounded right. Dopey went with Dancer, because most contemporary dancing is dopey. Sleepy teamed up with Prancer, so he would sleep less. Bashful hung around with Dasher, so he'd be more dashing. Grumpy was never happy, so Snow White assigned Comet and Donner to him: he soon became grumpier.

As for Snow White, she met Rudolph, whose red nose illuminated her wall mirror with a most dramatic glow. Her ego reached new heights.

How this Minnesota episode evolves is anybody's guess, but you might say the prospects are far from Grimm.