The computer lab. I was a freshman in high school. I was a late bloomer and my breasts didn't pop until 9th grade. And when they popped, they popped. They were great, large, perky breasts. Computer lab was a mix of all grades. One day I was wearing a V-neck sweater. You see where this story is going? A senior sat next to me as we typed away at a black screen with green letters (Hello, 1985), attempting to understand why anyone would need a computer except to play tic-tac-toe like Matthew Broderick in War Games.
He pointed to my chest. "You have a freckle."
And there it was. A tiny, dark freckle that had never been noticed when I was a flat-chested 13-year-old just a year earlier. It sat centered on my chest just above my bra line like a shining northern star.
When I looked back up at him, he was smirking. He leaned his arm into the desk moving closer to me. "I'd like to be that freckle," he whispered. I was 14. He was 18. He was a big kid. On the football team. (Can I tell you that he became a cop later in life without you judging cops all together? Just giving you an idea of his confidence.) His sexual attention was scary and I remember at the time feeling like I couldn't get away. I was stuck sitting next to this much larger boy -- this man -- who was oggling my breasts and whispering sexual innuendos. I never wore the V-neck again.
Was this sexual harassment? A minor version of sexual harassment compared to what many women have had to go though. Yet it was an unwelcoming sexual advance from an 18-year-old. It frightened me. It changed my demeanor. The way I dressed. I was nervous around him in class because I didn't want him talking to me again. You tell me if that constitutes sexual harassment. Twenty five years later, I tend to think it does. Why? He targeted me. There was no reciprocation. He and I had no relationship. And please don't tell me this is a boys-will-be-boys scenario. I have a boy. My co-blogger Miri has a boy. If our boys approached a girl in class that way (unless it was their girlfriend and there was a consensual relationship) they'd get the nun's stick, if you know what I mean.
Just the other day the NYT reported that a study by the American Association of University Women, that almost half of 7-12 graders complained of sexual harassment in schools. This includes sexual advances as the one I described, taunting, and sexually-charged name calling such as "gay" or "slut". J. Bryan Lowder from Slate's the XX Factor writes this:
If this survey is correct, we have a serious epidemic of sexual harassment going on in our schools. But reading further in the article, the question of just what counts as an offense becomes murky. The researcher's basic definition--"unwelcome sexual behavior that takes place in person or electronically"--seems reasonable enough at first glance, but taken literally, it constitutes a very wide net, particularly in an extraordinarily charged environment in which teenagers are just beginning to confront sexuality, adult sociality and true accountability for their actions. Should immaturity along the lines of calling someone "gay" or "slut" be counted on the same level as unwanted touching?
Do I consider what happened to me sexual harassment? Should I have told the teacher? Should I have told my mother? Yes. Yes. Yes. It was inappropriate and he should have been reprimanded. To be held to the same standards as an adult? A mark on his permanent record? Absolutely not. But for someone to acknowledge that this was sexually inappropriate and that his behavior was unacceptable. Sure.
Any retaliation on my part would have undoubtedly prompted this kid to call me a "prude." It's a difficult situation when you're targeted with negative attention whether it's bullying or sexual. Yet I wish I had the wherewithal to defend myself.
I don't want you to be any freckle on my body, and next time keep your creepy comments to yourself, asshole.
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One only need observe the media fire directed at Cain's accusers. Or that poor 11year old girl from that small Texas town when, in the aftermath of the assault, many in the town blamed her for the "inviting" the attack.
It's absolutely sickening the way our society blames women when they are victims and until that changes our daughters, wives, and mothers will continue to be imperiled.
If you want it to continue, do nothing.
The best lesson for a young man: show respect for every woman of every age. Set an example.
The best lesson for a young lady: You are not merchandise. Do not present yourself as such by portraying the type of girl/woman sung about in these demeaning songs. You are better than that. Make yourself deserve it and DEMAND it.
That wasn't even close to sexual harassment.
1. You were in a computer lab and could easily have gotten your butt up and walked away.
2. Harassment in continued unwanted attention that the other person KNOWS is unwanted.
3. You wear a v-neck to show off your flesh. Someone noticed your flesh and spoke upon it. If you want to show it off you are going to get comments both desired and undesired comments. If you don't want others to think you are selling something, don't advertise the item(s).
4. Whining about this little thing from 185 (26 years ago) is the ultimate sign of someone who has nothing better to do with their time than to try to create drama.
It is articles and self-absorbed and paranoid whining like this article that demeans actual harassment and trivializes the situation.
Harassment is hard to define, however, I see that you've pointed out the power balance issue, so I know that you've done some research on what it is. One aspect you've not considered in defining it is the element of ongoing action and/or escalation of the attention. (Check out the OLWEUS research.)
I do think you should have told your mom or a teacher. They could have told you what to do or say. It would have been best to even tell him, "I don't appreciate your comments. Don't say that to me again." However, I know that it is very hard to do that when you are young, shy, and caught off guard. (Even as an adult it can be hard to tell someone to leave you alone.)
I also think you were smart at that age not to continue to wear a shirt that invited comments, something us ladies should consider when choosing attire. Some will say that you have a right to wear whatever you wish without comments. True, but life in the hormonal teen world doesn't always follow the rules.