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Internet Courage

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Internet Courage [in-ter-net kur-ij]

noun

1. (see liquid courage) Bravery leading to a form of brazen expression, often offensive, enacted over the world wide web;

2. Typically much more intoxicating and ballsier than liquid courage;

3. Shielded by a computer screen and readily accessible forms of anonymity, it leads (sometimes) sane people to do or say things they wouldn't typically do in real-life interactions.

Usage:

"If it wasn't for Internet courage, he wouldn't have sent Jane those unsolicited picture-texts of his pecs."

Whether it's unsolicited pictures of body parts or disgustingly naughty little descriptions of what they'd like to do to you, many men experience super-human increases in gall online. This is especially true of the online dating paradigm. Internet courage is much worse then its evil cousin liquid courage. It can be off-putting and offensive. It can make the already exhausted 20-something, 30-something and (especially) 40-something-single who is looking for love even more exasperated. It can make their attempt at a virtual love connection seem more fruitless and futile than they felt when they first decided to try the online dating thing.

Internet dating is supposedly the new norm, but with some of the people you find online, you have to wonder: Is it just for the rejects? I admit it; I am on there too. When tiring of the bar scene, it seems like the only outlet for which one can turn to after being asked "Why are you single" by your married yet toothless cousin for the 17th time.

Internet dating can bring you a sense of comfort. Especially on a night when the judgmental glare from the cashier at the McDonald's drive-thru-window is really starting to grate on you. You lie to yourself as you wait momentarily in your car all alone at 11:30 on a Friday night. These aren't for me, lady, you think to yourself as she hands you a warm paper bag containing five dollar menu double cheese burgers with extra mac-sauce. They are for my kids. You tell yourself, now feeling vindicated. Yes, not for me, for my kids, you say to yourself, realizing you have an empty car. Yes... My kids that I left at home in order to drive out to McDonalds at almost midnight to get them some cheeseburgers. You aren't even a good imaginary parent.

When you are safely holed up in your lonely apartment again, you check your email and run through the day's messages. Ooh. You perk up. Somebody sent you a message on OK Cupid. Quickly, you one-handedly type in your password while still trying to feed yourself burger number three with your free hand. You open your inbox and read:

bowling

"Hey, I'm new to this online thing and looking for some adventures. Interested in meeting up this week for some fun?"

"What did u have in mind?" you counter. Unbeknownst to you, you're about to get hit by a deluge of Internet courage:

I'm looking from anything from a long-term sub/dom relationship to a fling. We're going to sit down and talk about what we like and what our limits are. But to sum it up I'm going to put you on your knees and make you service my big dick, and if you can't satisfy me I'm going to put you over my knee and spank you hard. Then, when my hand gets tired, I'll put your legs over my shoulders and pound you until you can't speak. Plus, there are some handcuffs and whips in my closet if you're feeling adventurous.

Lost for words, you shoot them a quick response before blocking them:

"I was thinking something more along the lines of bowling."

But before you can block them, they've already messaged you back,

"You can use my balls, lol."

The above banter was an actual conversation someone had over the Internet with me this week. The things I subject myself to for a good story! But really, this had to be one of the worst examples of Internet courage I've ever experienced! Got an "Internet courage" story that tops mine? Please share in the comment section!

This is an excerpt from my new column, "Happily Ever After: Surviving Dating Disaster."

More to come-in the meantime pick up a paperback copy of my first book "I Know Why They Call a Shell a Shell: Tales of Love Lost at Sea" is now on sale for $9.99 ! Get your copy today by following this link.