When I discovered I was pregnant with my first son, my mother and mother-in-law started in immediately. My mother said no to breastfeeding -- she didn't do it and neither did I. My mother-in-law hounded me about the importance of breastfeeding and how she did it just fine.
So, I took the classes and decided that breastfeeding was the "right choice" for my baby. However, in the hospital, I struggled trying to get it right, and eventually had the new mom 2:00 a.m. breakdown -- I had a big, hungry baby, my milk wasn't coming in and my nipples were severely bleeding. A very kind nurse, to whom I will be forever grateful, told me that relaxing was half the battle. It was okay to supplement and give my breasts time to heal between feedings. I wasn't failing or hurting the baby -- like others had told me -- I was doing what I needed to do to get my son nourishment. And, she was right -- and this all came from a woman who nursed her twins exclusively.
I was able to nurse my first son for 12 weeks because I supplemented formula during every other feeding. When the same situation occurred in the hospital with my second son, I followed the same course with supplementing. Both children are thriving ... and I guess in the end I made both moms happy. But, most importantly, I made the decision that worked best for me and my boys. No regrets!
Breast Fed Up
The first time it happened, it was as if I had landed in a Seinfeld episode. Harmless office chit-chat turned awkward when a male colleague I didn't know very well struck up a friendly conversation about my breasts.
"So I assume you're planning on breastfeeding," he casually inquired.
This guy may have been the first to put me on the spot, but he was far from the last. From the moment my pregnancy started to show, it felt like my boobs were everybody's business.
Maybe I'm old-fashioned or just a little prudish, but when did it become polite to ask?
It's still considered inappropriate to ask a woman her bra size or whether her breasts are real, right? Yet, nowadays it seems perfectly acceptable for any stranger on the street (literally) to ask if I am lactating.
So I'd like to set the record straight for those of you interested acquaintances and random parties who want to know. To the cable TV guy, the couple loading their toddler into their minivan on my block, the real estate broker at the open house last week, the personal trainer at my gym, and the man next to me in line at the post office: No, I am NOT breastfeeding!
Yes, I am well aware that "breast is best" for mother and baby as touted by both the medical establishment and the government. And I wholeheartedly support the new proposal in Congress to give businesses incentives to provide mothers with a room to nurse and even breast pumps. Thanks, Moms Rising for alerting me to this effort. New moms need all the help they can get!
But here's the rub. Not everyone can or wants to breastfeed and it is deeply personal. When you ask me the powerfully loaded question of whether I'm nursing or not, it stirs up every insecurity I have about motherhood. With that innocent query comes the inevitable judgment - Am I a good mother? How much am I willing to sacrifice for my child? Don't I want "the best" for my baby?
I'm all for community mindedness. I am inspired by people selfless enough to care about my infant's well being. But when it comes to my breasts and how I use them, I'd like a little space and frankly, a little less guilt.
The truth is that I was an expectant mom of twins who planned to nurse. As a 35-year-old, well-educated, career oriented woman, I wanted to do everything that I perceived to be "right." I made sure to read up on breastfeeding multiples and the juggling act of nursing and working. I made a pilgrimage to Manhattan's Upper Breast Side shop to buy nursing bras, nursing pads, nursing shirts, a "Pump in Style" breast pump, and all the accoutrements. I dutifully researched the names and numbers of lactation specialists and breastfeeding support groups in my neighborhood.
But, when the big moment arrived, my choice was made for me. The breast surgery I had as a teenager ended up having more far reaching consequences than I had cared to think about all those years ago. After all the anticipation, I was disappointed and yes, felt like a loser that I was to feed my infant twins formula. Thankfully, the lactation consultant at the hospital was both helpful and sensitive. And our pediatrician was also reassuring. She knew immediately when she asked if I was nursing on that very first visit that I was conflicted about the situation.
Not all moms have such positive experiences, though. Several women I know were reduced to tears in their hospital rooms when especially militant lactation advisers lectured them on their failings. One new father I know even had to ask the lactation coach to leave because his wife was so distraught that her newborn wasn't latching on.
In the end, now that my two-year-old twins are healthy and strong, it doesn't really matter why I didn't nurse, does it? The point is that I didn't and whether a woman is going back to a demanding job where pumping isn't an option or she's dealing with post-partum depression or juggling twins (or triplets!), or whether she's just more comfortable with a bottle or she just can't, it is her decision and it is private. Same goes for women who breastfeed for a short time or supplement with formula.
New moms already have enough pressure to live up to the incredibly exhausting (and exhilarating) role of motherhood. We don't need total strangers making us feel like we are negligent caregivers...or worse, feeling like we have to lie when someone rudely asks.
Just as more and more people are starting to accept that it is a mother's (and baby's) right to breastfeed in public, it is my right for my breasts and my decisions about them to be left alone.
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I couldn't agree more with Heather's post. I wasn't able to breastfeed very long after my son was born because of a thyroid condition, and I was made to feel guilty by friends who, though well intended, were breastfeeding zealots who believed "where there's a will there's a way ..." But in my case there just wasn't.
Mothers need support for the decisions they make in regards to their children. They need understanding. They need respect. They don't need other women meddling in their decisions and making them feel uncertain, less confident, or inadequate.
In all my web searches, I have found only a few websites that are supportive of both women who breastfeed AND to women who choose to formula feed for ANY reason -- medical or lifestyle driven. One of the best sties is called www. momsfeedingfreedom.com and all views are welcome there.
I second your comments, jen1970...even my husband was mortified one day when a woman (I assume she must have been one of those a "well meaning" lactation consultants) saw him feeding our first son with a bottle (even though it had my pumped breast milk in it) at a mall when I was trying some clothes on in the dressing room. He was completely caught by surprise when she said something like "you know, your baby would be much better off if his mother had tried breastfeeding"...once he lifted his jaw off the floor, he blurted something back like, "she is, she pumps too, this is breast milk"...my god, you'd think we had orange soda in his bottle....maybe she thought as a man he needed a bit more education on the topic, or who knows, maybe she just is one of those people with no boundaries, but my husband felt first hand the pressure that we moms feel all the time to do everything exactly right and follow every expert's recommendation to the letter....needless to say, he didn't like it one bit.
And I've been to the momsfeedingfreedom website, too, and thankfully it is balanced with both the science and the reality of breast vs. bottle feeding, and gives moms for whom the fantasy of the picture perfect nursing experience doesn't come true a place to convene, vent, etc. I haven't found many others like it either...
I hear you, Winchymum ¦¦ Wish I had had the benefit of this type of forum when I was faced with the fact several years ago, despite valiant efforts to breast feed my first child, I was not able to so for more than a short period of time due to my own health issues. I eventually became more at ease with the fact that my baby could still thrive using formula . However, being an anxious first time mom, it did not make it any easier when complete strangers who were unaware of my very personal health condition felt it appropriate to ask why I was using formula to feed my baby. I really didn"t think it was any of their business, but they sure seemed to think it was.
By the time my second and third child were born within a few years of my first, I was prepared for the onslaught of opinions I was going to get regarding breast feeding versus formula. Unfortunately, I did not have the support and encouragement of a balanced discussion to comfort me in a situation that was out of my control, and where I was doing the best I could within my abilities.
Well, get used to the non stop barrage of criticism and butting in early, Heather...because it is only going to continue:
Breastfeeding? Your child will NEVER wean. He/she will not get all those fortified goodies they put in formula. The kid will get a "boob complex" and it is "gross".
Formula? All those critiques you have already mentioned.
Your kid is outgoing? Well, they are obnoxious and will be easy prey for pedophiles. Your kid is shy? You shelter them too much and they are "rude" and will never be socially accepted.
Your kid talks a lot? Well, get them to shut up and leave their elders alone! Your kid doesn't talk a lot? Obviously, you never read to them or interacted with them verbally.
It goes on and on and on and you are ALWAYS doing something "wrong". Older people always did things better in "their day". Younger people don't understand why you are so preoccupied with your kid and why you never have time anymore.
There are also some honest gems out there who offer kind words of support and encouragement as well as non judgemental advice. Try to filter out the loudmouths and know it alls so that you can also "hear' the positive comments.
Well, glad you got that off your chest... hahahahahaha
When you are pregnant everyone thinks that they can just walk right up to you and ask, discuss or give advice on anything no matter how intimate.
You will get complete strangers walking up to you and patting your poor, big belly and saying things like:
...are you going to have natural child birth? I did and it hurt like hell... get them to give you something.
...you are not going to have any pain killer are you??? My sister-in-law did and it caused the baby to be brain damaged?
...you poor little thing, look at your fat little ankles!
...you are only 5 months pregnant??? But, you are HUGE!!!!!!!!!
...you do know that if you breast feed you cannot get pregnant, don't you? (This is FALSE!)
...don't give your baby a pacifier. They will suck on it until they are 5 years old!
...give your baby a pacifier, if you don't she will suck her thumb and her teeth will be ruined.
Too bad that when you are pregnant it is so hard to get your leg up high enough to kick these idiots in the a$$!
My advice to all pregnant women? If you need someone kicked in the rear, call me I'll do it for you.
The simple truth is that most mothers DON"T breastfeed past a few weeks or at all. So, I am a little confused by the guilt and shame angle. It's not like bottle feeding moms are in the minority. They don't sell nursing clothes at Walmart, but they do sell a ton of formula. The real problem is that our society does not in fact support breastfeeding-- it pays lip service to the notion that we should breastfeed, but there is very little actual support for the realities of breastfeeding-- acceptance, places to nurse in public, images on TV, in magazines, in books, adequate maternity leave, even frank discussion of nursing in sex-ed classes. Breastfeeding may be "natural" and something that defines us as mammals, but that doesn't mean that it is easy. Successful breastfeeding means that your primary job as a mother is to nourish your child and be available to them every two hours. This is simply not an acceptable sacrifice for the majority of women and their spouses. When women fail at breastfeeding it is a cultural failure, not an individual one.
For the record I breastfed three daughters past the age of 2. When I ask a woman with a newborn if she is nursing it is only to provide support not judgement.
I have to say, the fact that I really wanted to breast feed was the main reason I did not stay at work after my daughter was born. I was not sure how I would manage, being away 10 hours each day. The workplace is not at all conducive to the way nature designed our bodies to feed infants. Women who pull this off have to be commended for being basically super-human.
Breastfeeding may also be the primary reason why we are having only one child. I loved nursing and it worked well and easily for me and my daughter...I was one of the lucky ones. But, at my age, I can't stay out of the job market long enough to go through the whole process a second time. More part time schedules or flexible hours would help, as well as a decent facility (NOT a bathroom stall!) in which to pump milk.
A lot of women, like my sweet daughter in law, cannot nurse their babies past the first few weeks because their milk dries up or the milk they produce is not sufficient to nourish the child.
I know several women who have had this problem.
My oldest step daughter unfortunately suffers from this problem....
This ranks right up their with family friends asking you when you are going to have kids , on your wedding day. None of their business.
As a woman pregnant with my first -- and second! -- babies, I am amazed at how my personal boundaries no longer exist. The nipple nazis (both sides of the argument) have already begun their tactics. I am going to try breastfeeding, at least for a majority of the time. But really, when did formula become poison?
What the hell is WRONG with people!?!?!?!?!? Why would ANYONE ask that question?? I didn't ask my brother OR his wife whether they were breastfeeding their new daughter. I didn't ask my wife's sister or her husband whether THEY were breastfeeding!
In fact, the ONLY person I've EVER asked if they are breastfeeding is my wife, when we decided to have a child! Oh wait, I take that back, I didn't really want to know, but I asked my mother if she had breastfed me when I was an infant (no, the world was opposed to it at the time!)
Why on earth would anyone answer such a personal question. Stare them down with open contempt and tell them to mind their own business.
it doesn't matter what you do, because there will always be people to tell you should have tried harder if it didn't work, or that you should've weaned sooner if it did. but get used to it... because after the novelty of asking inappropriate questions about your breasts and belly wears off, inquiring minds will want to know about potty training and discipline strategies, and all other manner of none-ya-business. there's no getting around it; we're a nation of expert parents. that' why we have absolutely no crime, such low obesity rates and legendary literacy levels.
While I was suprised at the kinds of questioning you get while pregnant or after having a baby from people you don't know too well - I wasn't offended by it, answered truthfully and the response I typically got was full of understanding. One of the nice things is that total strangers want to strike up conversation knowing you are having a baby. I don't think there would be anything wrong with replying with something like 'Isn't that a bit personal?' and a smile to politely fend off the question - people will get it and you might save someone else from the awkwardness of such a question if they are the offendable type. I breast fed for 2 months before I went back to work and it became too difficult to pump every couple hours to keep up a full supply =D.
HuffPost's Pick
For some reason when you are pregnant all sorts of people feel the need to offer advice. Most have best of intentions but it can be intrusive. I have breast fead all three of my children, and still breastfeeding my youngest. She is almost 25 mos. and my friends and family tell me regularly that it's time to cut her off. My husband too for that matter. I am conflicted, I would like to stop so my boobs would be a normal size and so I can once and for all stop being a host. But at the same time she is my last child, I had my tubes tide and this is it. Ideally I would like for her to just grow out of it,like my son did. I talk to her about putting it away,and say all done. She laughs.
Only mothers understand the sacrifices we make and the guilt that we feel. As long as you know you are doing the best you can, the normal guilt will subside, especially when they become teenagers and are less than grateful.
I'm conflicted on this topic. I believe that it's a woman's right to decide to breastfeed or not without being made to feel guilty. And many women who breastfeed, especially past 6 months, face their own brand of intrusive strangers as well. People who ask questions of mothers with an agenda of harassment, or with the intent to argue with the woman's response, are clearly in the wrong.
On the other hand, reacting to the question itself with such negativity and with such an emphasis on privacy and guilt only perpetuates the problematic idea that breastfeeding is intensely, even embarrassingly, private, and to even talk about it indicates a rude and unhealthy obsession with the breasts. To extend the analogy to formula-feeding, if someone asked what brand you use, you would not accuse them of having an indecent interest in bottles and of trying to make you feel guilty for your choice of brand. As long as WE treat feeding choices like they are fraught with guilt and shame, how can we expect society to act any differently?
To sum up, while mothers should not be pressured or made to feel guilty about their choices, I disagree that a well-meaning inquiry is by definition rude and invasive.
When did our health (or lack of it) become public domain? Do I really need to know all of the nitty-gritty details of a co-worker's colonoscopy in order for there to be awareness? Or to ask if someone lost their pubic hair after chemo?
There is -or should be - nothing taboo or embarrassing about consulting a therapist or having a colonoscopy or breastfeeding. However, it would ultimately be more civilized on a personal level to simply ask if the person feels like sharing or talking about it BEFORE imposing the subject on people, with a simple "Do you mind if I ask you about X". "Lactivists" especially impose themselves, the subject and their views on expecting or new mothers. I have friends who felt so harassed about the issue that they decided not to breast-feed simply because they no longer wanted to have anything to do with Lactivists.
The strong negative reaction comes from the lack of tact and civility with which people express themselves about the issue, and the frequency with which they are asked about it. My body, my womb and my breasts are my business, and I will speak about them to whom I choose, when I choose to. The LAST people I will speak to about my business are strangers. To a private (but not embarrassed) person, the question is a rude intrusion no matter how you slice it.
I fail to see how "Can I ask you about breastfeeding?" would be more polite or less invasive than "Are you breastfeeding?" As I noted in my original comment, nobody should be harassed about their choices, but in my opinion a friendly question shouldn't be received with outrage.
To an intensely private person, any personal question may be felt to be a rude intrusion. However, it does not follow that all personal questions are rude intrusions; for instance, I enjoy being asked about my son and my parenting choices, and am happy to discuss them with anyone who asks. I feel that such questions generally indicate a genuine interest in my son's health and happiness, and that I have the opportunity to pass on some information that I care about!
Personally, I don't find any of those questions intrusive or rude. I had no problem discussing these with people who asked and I appreciated hearing what they had to say. It didn't sway me one way or another and I had lots of interesting conversations with lots of different people. No one can make you feel guilty for your choices...take the responsibility for feeling that way. Quite frankly, everyone is just way too sensitive. I breastfed both of my children well beyond six months and had both types of childbirth...one natural and one with pain meds. Both were beautiful births and I wouldn't change a thing about either one. My husband and I made choices together and I was glad to share with anyone who was willing to discuss. Toughen up or lighten up, for goodness sakes.
Exactly.
i failed at nursing my first but was successful nursing my second and third
everybody turned out just fine, they are all good happy boys
there are pros and cons to both methods, so let the mommies decide and stay out of other people's business
but people can't help themselves and ask rude questions about all kinds of things, don't stress about it
Just playing Devil's advocate.....
Do the people who feel that it is inappropriate to ask about a women's choice to breast feed or not also respect the opinion of others that women shouldn't breast feed in public?
I'm just wondering if there is any double standard created when we want to treat a woman's choice to breast feed as such a private issue, yet have no qualms about publicly displaying them regardless of another person's comfort level?
If you feel that breast-feeding is a completely natural phenomenon (which I do) then I don't see the offense of someone asking? Certainly it has to be measured in context (is the person just asking the question with a sexual overtone or are they genuinely concerned/intrigued?)
Just curious as to what other people think.
I feel that asking a woman if she breast-feeds or not is inappropriate. However, if a woman made the personal and private decision to breast-feed, then she should be allowed to breast-feed in public, PROVIDED that there is a minimum effort to be... respectful? discreet? modest? about it. And by that I mean that there are some women who will breast-feed in public and you'd never be aware of it. They sit on a bench, use a little blankie, get it done and move on, nothing more natural. I do have a problem with woman who seem to choose the noisiest, most crowded and least-clean and least-appropriate places to feed their babies and seem to *want* to be seen breast-feeding (or want their breasts to be seen?), and have a glint in their eye challenging anyone who would dare raise an eyebrow at their choice of venue to do so. I would not want to eat a meal in some of the places where these women feed their babies, all while telling the whole world that it's her right to do so. You have a "right" to use a public toilet in your bare feet, but why would you want to??
For the record, I also dislike people on vacation and on cruises that talk loud, disregard other patrons and leave a mess behind them.
Everything is about the "how" you do things.
I have to say that the whole notion of keeping breastfeeding discreet and covered up is part of the problem. Honestly, most lactating moms cover up as best as they can. It is very few who just open up their shirt and let it all hang out. The people who are offended by public breastfeeding are offended at the idea of public breastfeeding-- not by how much nipple is exposed. As a breastfeeding mother I was asked to nurse in restrooms, closets, hot cars in parking lots by people who thought I should be more "discreet". Nobody should be asked to eat their lunch in a toilet stall, least of all a baby!
if there were more awareness of the importance of breastfeeding, and less emphasis on breasts as sexy (or not) physical attributes, young girls would not be encouraged to have breast reduction surgery that lessens the chances for their success in feeding their babies later in life.
This type of elective surgery has robbed a lot of babies of the best food available to them.
I can understand why the author is defensive and angry, but blame shouldn't be placed on those who ask innocent, well meaning questions. Having twins (and I know from experience) means you will get all kinds of crazy, nosy questions. Did you have in-vitro? Are they identical (no matter that I had a boy and a girl, making that, uh, impossible). "Are they twins," one person asked? "Yes," I said. "Are they both yours?" was the follow-up. People also felt quite free to inform me that I didn't need to have any more children, since I'd had two at one time.
Whatever. Twins are a blessing. But feeding them is hard, no matter how you do it. Good luck.
You dont know why she had surgery, it may have not been cosmetic. I breast fed both of my children and I had strange men come up to me and ask me if I was going to breast feed. It was a very uncomfortable situation. It isnt an innocent, well-meaning question, it is a nosy and uncomfortable question. Apparently it doesnt bother you to be asked these questions but I think most women agree that, for whatever reason, people feel the right to ask deeply personal questions of pregnant women and it really needs to stop. Just because a woman is pregnant doesnt mean we dont need to use our manners and be polite when speaking to them.
Wholeheartedly agree with Sarah76.
I agree with you whole heartedly.
When my wife was pregnant I was surprised to learn that many people feel it's okay to ask incredibly inappropriate questions.
1.) Are you going to get an epidural? (No she used meditation and had a drug free birth, but what's it to you?)
2.) Is it a boy or a girl? (We don't know yet.)
3.) Are you going to breast feed? (I plan too, but unless you're offering to come sub for me at 3:00 am, there's no real point in my telling you the answer is there?)
4.) If it's a boy are you going to circumcise? (I am not prepared to discuss my religious beliefs, or my preference for how a male's member should look with you here in this check out line, but let's just say, Yes.)
5.) Will you have a Caesarean or natural birth?
This is the point in the conversation I often wanted to step in and say, "Look buddy. It's nice that you care about our family and all, but let's steer the conversation away from my wife's body and our son's penis."
Some more in-the-know people will ask about vaccinations. I suppose female fetuses will get hit with some kind of HPV question soon.
It depends on whose asking the question. These are questions girlfriends and relatives will ask.
What a thin-skinned whiner. At least the skin on your nipples are likely to toughen up when/if you get around to breastfeeding. What is it with people in this country and their hangups? If you didn't like the question, ask the guy about his views on circumcision.
I'm a fairly crazy 36 yr old male and I'm with you 100% on this. It ain't nobody's damn business what your breast size is or whether you're nursing or whatever, it just shows you what mental midgets some women have to put up with. Maybe you could hint at the size or lack thereof of certain bodyparts they may have next time it happens. Try not to let it get to you too much.
Posted April 16, 2008 | 08:00 AM (EST)