The first time it happened, it was as if I had landed in a Seinfeld episode. Harmless office chit-chat turned awkward when a male colleague I didn't know very well struck up a friendly conversation about my breasts.
"So I assume you're planning on breastfeeding," he casually inquired.
This guy may have been the first to put me on the spot, but he was far from the last. From the moment my pregnancy started to show, it felt like my boobs were everybody's business.
Maybe I'm old-fashioned or just a little prudish, but when did it become polite to ask?
It's still considered inappropriate to ask a woman her bra size or whether her breasts are real, right? Yet, nowadays it seems perfectly acceptable for any stranger on the street (literally) to ask if I am lactating.
So I'd like to set the record straight for those of you interested acquaintances and random parties who want to know. To the cable TV guy, the couple loading their toddler into their minivan on my block, the real estate broker at the open house last week, the personal trainer at my gym, and the man next to me in line at the post office: No, I am NOT breastfeeding!
Yes, I am well aware that "breast is best" for mother and baby as touted by both the medical establishment and the government. And I wholeheartedly support the new proposal in Congress to give businesses incentives to provide mothers with a room to nurse and even breast pumps. Thanks, Moms Rising for alerting me to this effort. New moms need all the help they can get!
But here's the rub. Not everyone can or wants to breastfeed and it is deeply personal. When you ask me the powerfully loaded question of whether I'm nursing or not, it stirs up every insecurity I have about motherhood. With that innocent query comes the inevitable judgment - Am I a good mother? How much am I willing to sacrifice for my child? Don't I want "the best" for my baby?
I'm all for community mindedness. I am inspired by people selfless enough to care about my infant's well being. But when it comes to my breasts and how I use them, I'd like a little space and frankly, a little less guilt.
The truth is that I was an expectant mom of twins who planned to nurse. As a 35-year-old, well-educated, career oriented woman, I wanted to do everything that I perceived to be "right." I made sure to read up on breastfeeding multiples and the juggling act of nursing and working. I made a pilgrimage to Manhattan's Upper Breast Side shop to buy nursing bras, nursing pads, nursing shirts, a "Pump in Style" breast pump, and all the accoutrements. I dutifully researched the names and numbers of lactation specialists and breastfeeding support groups in my neighborhood.
But, when the big moment arrived, my choice was made for me. The breast surgery I had as a teenager ended up having more far reaching consequences than I had cared to think about all those years ago. After all the anticipation, I was disappointed and yes, felt like a loser that I was to feed my infant twins formula. Thankfully, the lactation consultant at the hospital was both helpful and sensitive. And our pediatrician was also reassuring. She knew immediately when she asked if I was nursing on that very first visit that I was conflicted about the situation.
Not all moms have such positive experiences, though. Several women I know were reduced to tears in their hospital rooms when especially militant lactation advisers lectured them on their failings. One new father I know even had to ask the lactation coach to leave because his wife was so distraught that her newborn wasn't latching on.
In the end, now that my two-year-old twins are healthy and strong, it doesn't really matter why I didn't nurse, does it? The point is that I didn't and whether a woman is going back to a demanding job where pumping isn't an option or she's dealing with post-partum depression or juggling twins (or triplets!), or whether she's just more comfortable with a bottle or she just can't, it is her decision and it is private. Same goes for women who breastfeed for a short time or supplement with formula.
New moms already have enough pressure to live up to the incredibly exhausting (and exhilarating) role of motherhood. We don't need total strangers making us feel like we are negligent caregivers...or worse, feeling like we have to lie when someone rudely asks.
Just as more and more people are starting to accept that it is a mother's (and baby's) right to breastfeed in public, it is my right for my breasts and my decisions about them to be left alone.
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So, I took the classes and decided that breastfeeding was the "right choice" for my baby. However, in the hospital, I struggled trying to get it right, and eventually had the new mom 2:00 a.m. breakdown -- I had a big, hungry baby, my milk wasn't coming in and my nipples were severely bleeding. A very kind nurse, to whom I will be forever grateful, told me that relaxing was half the battle. It was okay to supplement and give my breasts time to heal between feedings. I wasn't failing or hurting the baby -- like others had told me -- I was doing what I needed to do to get my son nourishment. And, she was right -- and this all came from a woman who nursed her twins exclusively.
I was able to nurse my first son for 12 weeks because I supplemented formula during every other feeding. When the same situation occurred in the hospital with my second son, I followed the same course with supplementing. Both children are thriving ... and I guess in the end I made both moms happy. But, most importantly, I made the decision that worked best for me and my boys. No regrets!
Mothers need support for the decisions they make in regards to their children. They need understanding. They need respect. They don't need other women meddling in their decisions and making them feel uncertain, less confident, or inadequate.
In all my web searches, I have found only a few websites that are supportive of both women who breastfeed AND to women who choose to formula feed for ANY reason -- medical or lifestyle driven. One of the best sties is called www. momsfeedingfreedom.com and all views are welcome there.
And I've been to the momsfeedingfreedom website, too, and thankfully it is balanced with both the science and the reality of breast vs. bottle feeding, and gives moms for whom the fantasy of the picture perfect nursing experience doesn't come true a place to convene, vent, etc. I haven't found many others like it either...
By the time my second and third child were born within a few years of my first, I was prepared for the onslaught of opinions I was going to get regarding breast feeding versus formula. Unfortunately, I did not have the support and encouragement of a balanced discussion to comfort me in a situation that was out of my control, and where I was doing the best I could within my abilities.
Breastfeeding? Your child will NEVER wean. He/she will not get all those fortified goodies they put in formula. The kid will get a "boob complex" and it is "gross".
Formula? All those critiques you have already mentioned.
Your kid is outgoing? Well, they are obnoxious and will be easy prey for pedophiles. Your kid is shy? You shelter them too much and they are "rude" and will never be socially accepted.
Your kid talks a lot? Well, get them to shut up and leave their elders alone! Your kid doesn't talk a lot? Obviously, you never read to them or interacted with them verbally.
It goes on and on and on and you are ALWAYS doing something "wrong". Older people always did things better in "their day". Younger people don't understand why you are so preoccupied with your kid and why you never have time anymore.
There are also some honest gems out there who offer kind words of support and encouragement as well as non judgemental advice. Try to filter out the loudmouths and know it alls so that you can also "hear' the positive comments.
You will get complete strangers walking up to you and patting your poor, big belly and saying things like:
...are you going to have natural child birth? I did and it hurt like hell... get them to give you something.
...you are not going to have any pain killer are you??? My sister-in-law did and it caused the baby to be brain damaged?
...you poor little thing, look at your fat little ankles!
...you are only 5 months pregnant??? But, you are HUGE!!!!!!!!!
...you do know that if you breast feed you cannot get pregnant, don't you? (This is FALSE!)
...don't give your baby a pacifier. They will suck on it until they are 5 years old!
...give your baby a pacifier, if you don't she will suck her thumb and her teeth will be ruined.
Too bad that when you are pregnant it is so hard to get your leg up high enough to kick these idiots in the a$$!
My advice to all pregnant women? If you need someone kicked in the rear, call me I'll do it for you.
For the record I breastfed three daughters past the age of 2. When I ask a woman with a newborn if she is nursing it is only to provide support not judgement.
I know several women who have had this problem.
Breastfeeding may also be the primary reason why we are having only one child. I loved nursing and it worked well and easily for me and my daughter...I was one of the lucky ones. But, at my age, I can't stay out of the job market long enough to go through the whole process a second time. More part time schedules or flexible hours would help, as well as a decent facility (NOT a bathroom stall!) in which to pump milk.
In fact, the ONLY person I've EVER asked if they are breastfeeding is my wife, when we decided to have a child! Oh wait, I take that back, I didn't really want to know, but I asked my mother if she had breastfed me when I was an infant (no, the world was opposed to it at the time!)
Only mothers understand the sacrifices we make and the guilt that we feel. As long as you know you are doing the best you can, the normal guilt will subside, especially when they become teenagers and are less than grateful.
On the other hand, reacting to the question itself with such negativity and with such an emphasis on privacy and guilt only perpetuates the problematic idea that breastfeeding is intensely, even embarrassingly, private, and to even talk about it indicates a rude and unhealthy obsession with the breasts. To extend the analogy to formula-feeding, if someone asked what brand you use, you would not accuse them of having an indecent interest in bottles and of trying to make you feel guilty for your choice of brand. As long as WE treat feeding choices like they are fraught with guilt and shame, how can we expect society to act any differently?
To sum up, while mothers should not be pressured or made to feel guilty about their choices, I disagree that a well-meaning inquiry is by definition rude and invasive.
everybody turned out just fine, they are all good happy boys
there are pros and cons to both methods, so let the mommies decide and stay out of other people's business
but people can't help themselves and ask rude questions about all kinds of things, don't stress about it