Flake Out

"I wish you'd known me before I was so flaky." This was how a conversation began recently with a new mom friend of mine. We went on to exchange a flurry of apologies as we rescheduled a coffee date for the probably the fifth time in two months. Somehow, she lamented to me, motherhood had unleashed her inner flake.

Don't I know it. I used to be a pretty reliable friend myself. Someone who would stick to plans and follow through unless I had a really good excuse. Now, it doesn't matter who it is (except for my husband and children), but I cannot commit to anything social or fun. And when I do, I'm forgetful or not entirely present.

Is this the dilemma of the modern mom juggling work and family? Has something in my make-up changed since giving birth? I guess so.

I know I've got two new priorities these days. Their names are Ian and Samantha, my twin toddlers. I'm amazed at how I manage to get everything done for them that needs to get done. In addition to the requisite diaper changes and nose wiping, a typical day might include singing "Wheels On The Bus" a dozen times, whipping up breakfast as the two little guys chime "Snack! Snack!", washing the dishes and wiping down all of the surfaces coated with egg, banana or maple syrup, dancing to "Shake Your Sillies Out," scrubbing their little hands and faces, chasing after them with clean clothes and toothbrushes, negotiating with them to get into the stroller and out the door in time for their gym class, window-shopping for new shoes, making a couple of preschool inquiries, throwing in some laundry, stopping off at the market to pick up more diapers, wipes and milk--all before noon!? It just gets done.

And yet, when it comes to stuff for me, I am woefully flighty. Like the time I missed two waxing appointments in a row even though I was certain I blocked out the time in my Blackberry. Slip of the hand, I guess. I put them in the wrong days on my calendar.

Luckily, most of my mom friends, old and new, totally get it. They know I'm always running about 20 minutes late or that plans are always a bit sketchy depending on who's running a temperature, needs a diaper change or is having a tantrum as I'm walking out the door.

Our telephone conversations run on an endless loop of:

H: "Hey, how are you?? So sorry I haven't had time to call you back."

Mom Friend: "No worries. I only have a few minutes, I'm on my way to pick up so-and-so from [insert activity]."

[Ambient noise of children crying or wailing Mom-meeeee!]

Mom Friend: [Big sigh] "Hey, I have to run now. Call you back later."

H: "No worries. Talk to you later."

The worst part is that I find I need my girlfriends more and more to help me navigate my new role in life. You just want a gut check. As a dear friend of mine says, sometimes only a fellow mom knows the right thing to say when you are feeling totally exasperated. And even though she and I finally live on the same coast in the very same city, we barely see each other or have phone conversations that last more than thirty seconds.

So in thinking about all of this and in my own pursuit of being a Well Mom, I've come up with a few ideas for handling the inherent flakiness that comes with the job.

The Well Mom Guide to Flaking Out (Or Trying Not To)

1. Have a sense of humor. It is pretty funny when you look back at the time you showed up a day early for a birthday party or left a shopping cart full of groceries sitting in the parking lot. Fact is, it happens to all of us. Try not to be too hard on yourself or the mom friends who are flaking out on you.

2. Say no. I don't know about you, but I struggle with being a people pleaser. I'm finally realizing that if I am going to manage my time more wisely, I've got to say no more often and guard the precious time I have to myself to see the people I really care about.

3. Life coach and owner of Wellness Strategies Kate Kripke offers this suggestion: Send out a group email to all of your friends letting them know, ahead of time, that you are struggling with the Flaky Syndrome. "Just to give them a heads up. It might make you feel less guilty when you are 25 minutes late to meet someone for lunch or forget to return a phone call. Not to mention, that the extra support from friends always makes you feel better," she says.

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Comments

[Blogmommy]

08:33 AM on 10/18/2007

This is a really cute article. I totally admire the energy and hard work and love it must take to raise twins. (I had my hands full with my singletons back in the day). But from the perspective of a mother of two grown married children who are happy and well-adjusted I'd like to advise all young mothers to stop scheduling their kids for so many activities. If you banned all or almost all activities and just stayed put most of the time it would be a lot easier to find time for yourself. Ultimately nursery school or the occasional get-together with friends with kids will suffice for social life. Play (a child's work) can take place at home. No need to go through all it takes to be on the go. Get a sitter and get out by yourself and be with your adult friends (sans kids). That's my advice for what it is worth. If you nip the activity and scheduling thing in the bud right now, then you won't have to get all involved with the Little League,music/art/skating/martial arts/creative writing/peewee football/soccer lifestyle later on. Nothing wrong with hanging out, day-dreaming, and being together as a family....\I know I'm a lone voice crying in the wilderness, but even though my kids had very few outside activities they still got into college, found satisfying and worthwhile professions, and they even know how to balance their lives. AND they are a lot less flaky than I am!

[WBum]

09:53 AM on 10/17/2007

Heather,

Please post in basic black. I began reading your lime green literature and then my eyes started to hurt.

Thanks,
mike