Someone is finally saying what so many parents think but rarely blurt out loud. When did parenting get so expensive and why do our kids need all of this stuff? I'm talking about the luxury strollers and designer layettes that ultimately give way to $100 toddler jeans, homemade baby food delivery services, parenting coaches and preschool scouts.
I remember making several trips to Babies R Us and buy buy Baby when I was pregnant with my twins and was nearly brought to tears by the infinite choices of strollers, cribs, car seats, high chairs, and play pens. And that was just the gear. Picking out the cutest nursery decor for a boy and a girl, not to mention stocking up on wipes, diapers, lotion and gallons of Dreft detergent was a whole other ordeal. Of course, there was the expense to consider. But what weighed on me, in a way I never expected was what the purchases would say about me as a mother. If my husband and I opted for something less posh or a generic brand, were we depriving the babies or just being practical (even on our registry)? Somehow reason just flew out the window the day we got pregnant.
It was an experience shared by fellow 37-year-old mom of two, Pamela Paul, who told me in a recent interview that her first trip to a baby superstore was downright frightening. "I kept thinking, what is all this stuff? I didn't know the differences between nipples or whether I needed nursing clothes...I felt like I had entered some kind of cult," she says.
In her new book, Parenting, Inc.: How We Are Sold on $800 Strollers, Fetal Education, Baby Sign Language, Sleeping Coaches, Toddler Couture, and Diaper Wipe Warmers - and What It Means for Our Children, journalist Paul draws on her own parenting journey as she examines this new phenomenon. She calls it, "the anxiety of underspending," and attributes its rise to savvy marketers capitalizing on the insecurities of new parents coupled with a celebrity-mad media which breathlessly catalogues every new toy or outfit sported by Suri or Shiloh.
"People are more worried about spending too little instead of spending too much...They worry 'if I don't get this mobile for my 4-month-old, is he going to fall behind?," she says.
In the book, the Time magazine contributor reports on what psychologists and educators have to say about some of today's "must-haves," as she pulls back the curtain on the baby business and the estimated $1.7 trillion "mom market." She offers some peace of mind and perspective to those of us dealing with both the sticker shock and the pressure to buy, buy, buy (which, by the way only seems to grow as fast as our babies do.)
"I think you can never underestimate what a parent will buy in a moment of desperation if the right buttons are pushed," she explains, referring to her own set of impulse buys gathering dust and cluttering corners of her home.
Anyone who is a parent knows exactly what she means. Babies don't come with a set of instructions. Grandma doesn't always live close by or is up to date on all of the latest safety gadgets and smart toys. Often, we newbies are grasping in the dark (literally, if you have a baby who won't sleep through the night). Plus, we want to give our children everything they will need to succeed later in life. But as Paul aptly describes, today it can be tough to distinguish between necessities and frivolous extras.
The key she says is remembering to pause before you buy and to really examine why you are plunking down that credit card...or hiring that potty training coach.
"You have to think, 'What is this about?' We are so invested in the kids - and that is a good thing. But our hopes and desires often get translated into purchasing," she says.
Reading Parenting, Inc. made me feel so much better about some of the decisions I've made since joining the club. I could let go of some of the guilt around purchases made and purchases skipped. I realized my angst is not so unique. Being a parent is a huge responsibility and it's comforting to learn that so many of us are struggling with the same spending decisions. What's liberating is the message that we really do know what is best for our kids. We just need to remember to tune out the marketing hype and tune into our instincts.
For more insights and advice on wellness and the pursuit of motherhood, please sign up for my weekly email and check out my website, The Well Mom.com.
Follow Heather Cabot on Twitter: www.twitter.com/wellmom
I brought her baby food recipes with notes on what had worked and what hadn't and gave her my mom-in-law's advice not to buy baby clothes other than sleepies until baby was 3. Great advice that I mainly took except for a few outfits for when we went out. I'll never forget my mom-in-law horrifying me by cutting the feet out of my son's sleepies because they fit him everywhere else and taking the feet out meant they could be worn another few months. We could afford new ones but she told us to take that money and put it away for his education. Great advice!
The gadget I couldn't have done without when my sons were young was the snugli. My husband and I carried them around in the pouch until they were about a year and a half and then they went straight to the umbrella stroller which was easy to fold and take along. The fancy carriage my parents bought was almost new when we passed it on but the snugli and umbrella stroller had to be retired with each child.
Is don't buy what you can't afford on terms you can't accept
Banks and lenders only want to gobble up your wallet
They don't care if you must sleep upon a warehouse pallet.
by "CeeVee"
My cousin on the other hand... different story. Down in Southern California and at home in the upper-middle-class working class family her children have so much STUFF that she actually had to put a giant tub of toys in the babies closet so that her 3-year-old would have room to play in her room! She only dresses her 3-year-old in stylish and "matching" clothes and insists that her little girl not only have her hair brushed every morning, but also that she be able to "style" it before she heads off to the three-day-per-week preschool they are sending her to. I was there for 10 days... it was too long. Besides that, my cousin didn't play with her daughter -- she is one of those women who really likes to play the dress-up part of "Mom," but doesn't like the communication, interaction, or education part -- forget about the discipline and rules part.
It was sad... the emphasis was all wrong. It was all about the right stuff (brand new Chevy Suburban extended edition included) and not at all about the real life important things.
I try to avoid excess toys and gear for our kids, but somehow we ended up with five strollers (and four of them are actually useful). We avoid "battery" toys, but a couple of them slipped in, and I must admit that my kids love them. We have managed to hold the line on television, though, and will continue to do so for as long as reasonably possible. At some point, you have to become Amish to avoid the avalanche of brightly colored, beeping garbage emblazoned with smiling images of Dora the Explorer. And when you eventually relent and let it in your home, you feel virtuous "because at least it's not Bratz."
television is not bad for kids per se, it's WHAT you allow them to watch.
I have 2 sisters who recently had babies.
My one sister has always been very materialistic--only shopping at Ann Taylor for her clothes, Williams Sonoma for kichen, .....
it really always stresses the fam 'since no one knows what to get her--"that will measure up"-to her standards. Her stroller she picked-actually costed $1000..
She even dresses her child in mainly pink and brown-'cause these are the colors she herself likes best on herself...
It's ridiculous to me..how much materialistic overkill there is--but especially on the part of new parents.
My neice is now 2-but is not allowed to watch much TV--only Baby Einsten CDs'
I don't know at what point when my neice grows up-will realize the world her mom is trying to create for her-is not actually the real world. The world is not only pink & brown-and Baby Einstein isn't a big part of it..Seems new parents would want to give the lesson of introducing thier kids to the world and making them aware of it-first and foremost-over keeping them sheltered in little "playgroups" wih likeminded moms who like to shop at the same places..
it makes me think think these are decisions that are selfishly motivated-for moms' to have 'thier time" together, instead of for the child. It becomes a competition of "who has what" as the measure of good parenting--over actual parenting. It's scary to me.
My oldest has always watched alot of TV but kids DVDs or PBS kids. She's had little exposure to advertising. We don't give her soda or sugary cereals and she doesn't ask for them since she doesn't really see them advertised on TV. She saw her Mom-Mom decline and lose her life to lymphoma - she was at the hospital with us and saw the round of doctors and home health aides. We didn't sugarcoat what was going on, nor did we scare her. We made it clear to her Mom-Mom was sick largely because of her age (which is true, chances of getting lymphoma and not surviving increase markedly with age) and that mommy and daddy and she herself wouldn't get sick or die.
She's seen the real world and she's doing just fine.
When My son was born almost 4 years ago, I had enough. I had to stop hanging out with some of those crazies. I couldn't stand the competition, and I hate having other opinions thrusted upon me. Luckily, by then I had a great network of likeminded mom friends.
I will say that I invested in the $800 buggaboo stroller after my son was born. My husband and I bought it because we live in Manhattan and it is so wonderful on the city streets. We recently passed it on to relatives. I now use my old MacClaren. I don't know why anybody would buy a $800+ dollar stroller unless they lived in a city and didn't drive much. It did make my life easier. The other stuff - the fancy decor, designer clothes, Baby Einstein DVDs, etc. all unnecessary bullshit!
We received a Baby Einstein CD from a relative when our daughter was just eight months old, we played it twice.....it was rubbish, sheer and utter rubbish.....but more importantly our daughter thought so too.
the verge of another great depression as our dollar gets weaker and maybe that is what we need to once again learn what is really important.
Oh, that's funny. I wondered if I was the only one who did that. One has to be careful not to damage the tie when removing the paper clip.
Daughter 2 has inherited #1's crib and most of her clothes, plus a highchair a friend's son outgrew. She has some new toys and necessities including a 2 child stroller and new car seat. What we no longer need for either, we've donated to Goodwill. We throw out anything truly unsafe or worn out. I buy their clothes at Target and gently used on Ebay.
Both have savings accounts and go to one of the top pediatricians in the area. They are both happy, social, and smart kids. We live in a nice area and though property taxes are increasing, the schools are excellent and I'll happily sacrifice frills to stay here. Living well doesn't necessarily mean buying things your kids don't need. Having us there for them is what matters the most not the $800 stroller.