Someone is finally saying what so many parents think but rarely blurt out loud. When did parenting get so expensive and why do our kids need all of this stuff? I'm talking about the luxury strollers and designer layettes that ultimately give way to $100 toddler jeans, homemade baby food delivery services, parenting coaches and preschool scouts.
I remember making several trips to Babies R Us and buy buy Baby when I was pregnant with my twins and was nearly brought to tears by the infinite choices of strollers, cribs, car seats, high chairs, and play pens. And that was just the gear. Picking out the cutest nursery decor for a boy and a girl, not to mention stocking up on wipes, diapers, lotion and gallons of Dreft detergent was a whole other ordeal. Of course, there was the expense to consider. But what weighed on me, in a way I never expected was what the purchases would say about me as a mother. If my husband and I opted for something less posh or a generic brand, were we depriving the babies or just being practical (even on our registry)? Somehow reason just flew out the window the day we got pregnant.
It was an experience shared by fellow 37-year-old mom of two, Pamela Paul, who told me in a recent interview that her first trip to a baby superstore was downright frightening. "I kept thinking, what is all this stuff? I didn't know the differences between nipples or whether I needed nursing clothes...I felt like I had entered some kind of cult," she says.
In her new book, Parenting, Inc.: How We Are Sold on $800 Strollers, Fetal Education, Baby Sign Language, Sleeping Coaches, Toddler Couture, and Diaper Wipe Warmers - and What It Means for Our Children, journalist Paul draws on her own parenting journey as she examines this new phenomenon. She calls it, "the anxiety of underspending," and attributes its rise to savvy marketers capitalizing on the insecurities of new parents coupled with a celebrity-mad media which breathlessly catalogues every new toy or outfit sported by Suri or Shiloh.
"People are more worried about spending too little instead of spending too much...They worry 'if I don't get this mobile for my 4-month-old, is he going to fall behind?," she says.
In the book, the Time magazine contributor reports on what psychologists and educators have to say about some of today's "must-haves," as she pulls back the curtain on the baby business and the estimated $1.7 trillion "mom market." She offers some peace of mind and perspective to those of us dealing with both the sticker shock and the pressure to buy, buy, buy (which, by the way only seems to grow as fast as our babies do.)
"I think you can never underestimate what a parent will buy in a moment of desperation if the right buttons are pushed," she explains, referring to her own set of impulse buys gathering dust and cluttering corners of her home.
Anyone who is a parent knows exactly what she means. Babies don't come with a set of instructions. Grandma doesn't always live close by or is up to date on all of the latest safety gadgets and smart toys. Often, we newbies are grasping in the dark (literally, if you have a baby who won't sleep through the night). Plus, we want to give our children everything they will need to succeed later in life. But as Paul aptly describes, today it can be tough to distinguish between necessities and frivolous extras.
The key she says is remembering to pause before you buy and to really examine why you are plunking down that credit card...or hiring that potty training coach.
"You have to think, 'What is this about?' We are so invested in the kids - and that is a good thing. But our hopes and desires often get translated into purchasing," she says.
Reading Parenting, Inc. made me feel so much better about some of the decisions I've made since joining the club. I could let go of some of the guilt around purchases made and purchases skipped. I realized my angst is not so unique. Being a parent is a huge responsibility and it's comforting to learn that so many of us are struggling with the same spending decisions. What's liberating is the message that we really do know what is best for our kids. We just need to remember to tune out the marketing hype and tune into our instincts.
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There should be no such thing as an $800 stroller.
I recently was invited to an "old mother" shower where we were asked to bring no gifts, just suggestions that really worked when our children were young. It was an amazing time because everyone had great suggestions and funny stories and the mom-to-be said she learned more in that 4 hours than any book taught her.
I brought her baby food recipes with notes on what had worked and what hadn't and gave her my mom-in-law's advice not to buy baby clothes other than sleepies until baby was 3. Great advice that I mainly took except for a few outfits for when we went out. I'll never forget my mom-in-law horrifying me by cutting the feet out of my son's sleepies because they fit him everywhere else and taking the feet out meant they could be worn another few months. We could afford new ones but she told us to take that money and put it away for his education. Great advice!
The gadget I couldn't have done without when my sons were young was the snugli. My husband and I carried them around in the pouch until they were about a year and a half and then they went straight to the umbrella stroller which was easy to fold and take along. The fancy carriage my parents bought was almost new when we passed it on but the snugli and umbrella stroller had to be retired with each child.
$800 strollers are you kidding me??
The moral of the story of your card's compounding debt
Is don't buy what you can't afford on terms you can't accept
Banks and lenders only want to gobble up your wallet
They don't care if you must sleep upon a warehouse pallet.
by "CeeVee"
I am "that age" where all of my friends are having babies. Happily, most of them seem to be approaching it in a logical manner -- getting hand-me-downs from cousins or friends, buying the basics and not the extravagent extras, and thankfully avoiding the Baby Einstein craze -- or at least keeping it to a minimum.
My cousin on the other hand... different story. Down in Southern California and at home in the upper-middle-class working class family her children have so much STUFF that she actually had to put a giant tub of toys in the babies closet so that her 3-year-old would have room to play in her room! She only dresses her 3-year-old in stylish and "matching" clothes and insists that her little girl not only have her hair brushed every morning, but also that she be able to "style" it before she heads off to the three-day-per-week preschool they are sending her to. I was there for 10 days... it was too long. Besides that, my cousin didn't play with her daughter -- she is one of those women who really likes to play the dress-up part of "Mom," but doesn't like the communication, interaction, or education part -- forget about the discipline and rules part.
It was sad... the emphasis was all wrong. It was all about the right stuff (brand new Chevy Suburban extended edition included) and not at all about the real life important things.
Pamela Paul has a blog at Huffington Post too. I read your post because I though it might have been stealing her idea, but then I saw that you gave her credit and even interviewed her. That was very decent.
I try to avoid excess toys and gear for our kids, but somehow we ended up with five strollers (and four of them are actually useful). We avoid "battery" toys, but a couple of them slipped in, and I must admit that my kids love them. We have managed to hold the line on television, though, and will continue to do so for as long as reasonably possible. At some point, you have to become Amish to avoid the avalanche of brightly colored, beeping garbage emblazoned with smiling images of Dora the Explorer. And when you eventually relent and let it in your home, you feel virtuous "because at least it's not Bratz."
television taught our daughter to read on her own at a little over three years old.
television is not bad for kids per se, it's WHAT you allow them to watch.
Another totally befuddling expense is a changing table. Any flat surface will do.
One of the most valuable lessons children can be brought up to learn is not only that one can't have everything but that one need not. Children are much more sensitive to emotional deprivation and the lack of a nurturing, creative environment, which nothing in the way of expensive, over-hyped goods can make up for.
AMEN Heather.
I have 2 sisters who recently had babies.
My one sister has always been very materialistic--only shopping at Ann Taylor for her clothes, Williams Sonoma for kichen, .....
it really always stresses the fam 'since no one knows what to get her--"that will measure up"-to her standards. Her stroller she picked-actually costed $1000..
She even dresses her child in mainly pink and brown-'cause these are the colors she herself likes best on herself...
It's ridiculous to me..how much materialistic overkill there is--but especially on the part of new parents.
My neice is now 2-but is not allowed to watch much TV--only Baby Einsten CDs'
I don't know at what point when my neice grows up-will realize the world her mom is trying to create for her-is not actually the real world. The world is not only pink & brown-and Baby Einstein isn't a big part of it..Seems new parents would want to give the lesson of introducing thier kids to the world and making them aware of it-first and foremost-over keeping them sheltered in little "playgroups" wih likeminded moms who like to shop at the same places..
it makes me think think these are decisions that are selfishly motivated-for moms' to have 'thier time" together, instead of for the child. It becomes a competition of "who has what" as the measure of good parenting--over actual parenting. It's scary to me.
I read long ago that Baby Einstein was thought up in some mummy's basement, the mummy in question (although just a regular mum), had no early child development or educational credentials, nada, but the concept itself (i.e., making YOUR child a genius in a few easy steps---buying our products) was bought up for millions by a big corporate entity.
We received a Baby Einstein CD from a relative when our daughter was just eight months old, we played it twice.....it was rubbish, sheer and utter rubbish.....but more importantly our daughter thought so too.
Agreed, my oldest is only 4 and the competitiveness among the mothers, especially of girls, is totally insane. I'm not going to drink that kool aid. I know it's laced with cyanide.
My oldest has always watched alot of TV but kids DVDs or PBS kids. She's had little exposure to advertising. We don't give her soda or sugary cereals and she doesn't ask for them since she doesn't really see them advertised on TV. She saw her Mom-Mom decline and lose her life to lymphoma - she was at the hospital with us and saw the round of doctors and home health aides. We didn't sugarcoat what was going on, nor did we scare her. We made it clear to her Mom-Mom was sick largely because of her age (which is true, chances of getting lymphoma and not surviving increase markedly with age) and that mommy and daddy and she herself wouldn't get sick or die.
She's seen the real world and she's doing just fine.
So true. My oldest is a a girl. When she was 6 weeks old I started attending a new Mother's luncheon group once a week. The other mothers were absolutely insane about what to buy, where to attend mommy and me classes and starving themselves back to prebaby weight in record time. This was over 7 years ago. I can't believe how much worse it has gotten since then.
When My son was born almost 4 years ago, I had enough. I had to stop hanging out with some of those crazies. I couldn't stand the competition, and I hate having other opinions thrusted upon me. Luckily, by then I had a great network of likeminded mom friends.
I will say that I invested in the $800 buggaboo stroller after my son was born. My husband and I bought it because we live in Manhattan and it is so wonderful on the city streets. We recently passed it on to relatives. I now use my old MacClaren. I don't know why anybody would buy a $800+ dollar stroller unless they lived in a city and didn't drive much. It did make my life easier. The other stuff - the fancy decor, designer clothes, Baby Einstein DVDs, etc. all unnecessary bullshit!
That's one thing I'll say for the high end strollers, they seem like something that would work really well in the city where the big SUV like varieties are a real PITA to use. We live in the 'burbs so what we have is OK most of the time.
But the decor, the Mommy and Me, and all the other things. WTF? The baby won't remember them when he/she is older anyway. Parents do so much for themselves that should be done for their kids' sakes.
As someone who grew up during the great depression I never gave in to my children when they wanted the "right" pair of shoes etcetera. When they were grown they said other kids made fun of them in school and I asked them if they would like to be like those other kids and make fun of the less fortunate. Their answer was"NO". I have always said adversity breeds character and have long advocated school uniforms. Now we are on
the verge of another great depression as our dollar gets weaker and maybe that is what we need to once again learn what is really important.
My first child was much earlier then we anticipated and when we brought him home all we had were two sets of Pj's and a 4 pack of baby socks and thankfully the hospital sent us home with a bag full of diapers. I didn't have a crib or a changing table nor had I ever set foot in a baby superstore. We bought stuff as we needed it and amazingly we realized that we didn't need much. So when the next two babies came along we were very keen on what was necessity and what was a waste. And it wasn't until I went shopping for a pregnant friend one day that I first ventured into a baby superstore and I was floored by all of the unnecessary crap that was there. I can see how a first time parent can be overwhelmed with panic in one of these stores and feel inadequate and pressured into believing that they really need all of that stuff when in reality they do not. My advice to new parents is stay away from those stores and put down all of those dumb parenting magazines full of ads and articles that do nothing but suck you into believing that in order to be a good parent you need to buy into all of that silliness. Ask your grandmother what she needed when she had her first baby and then go get that stuff.
I recently was invited to a baby shower where the baby was already registered in 3 different stores. The gifts the Mom had itemized were all over 100.00. I decided to buy a baby outfit and there was nothing on the rack less than 38.00. For an outfit designed for up to 12lbs which means the baby would probably get to wear it once before it had outgrown the size. Ridiculous. Priorities have been replaced by extravagence and you wonder why the kids grow up with such an attitude of entitlement.
Marketers can only push our buttons and take advantage of us if we let them. The cheapest stroller, changing table, what have you is light years better than what we had, and none of us were harmed. So why would anyone plunk down $800 for a stroller? I think if you let yourself be fooled into believing you need this stuff you are getting what you deserve. Critical thinking, folks. Try it sometime. Children don't just develop entitlement issues, parents and the culture the live in create them by buying into advertising's message. And a lot of this is vanity, not insecurity. We Americans believe that the brands we purchase really do have the power to make us better, happier people. Well, buddy, it ain't so. Don't be so bourgeois. It's ugly. Americans used to be embarrassed to show off their wealth, now we invent ways to do it. Potty-training coach? It's obscene that someone would waste money on something everyone learns naturally. Just remember, to a lot of us that Mclaren stroller doesn't say that you've arrived or that your child's well-being is really important to you. It just says your a vain fool who desperately wants to think that you are something you are not. Little Trevor's not gonna remember the brand of the stroller he was pushed around in when he as young, but he will remember the brand of parenting and life skills you proffer.
I have a 4 y.o and an almost 7 month old. Daughter #1 got lots of new things from coworkers, family and friends. I registered at 1 store and a stroller that cost around $125 was the pricest item. We stocked up on decor and clothes at a going out of business sale. Other toys and clothes including a playyard and bassinet were secondhand. I didn't put her in classes but instead we ensured we read to her each night and she saw US read. Her Dad is an SAHD and she started preschool when she was almost 4. She is already starting to read and gets along well with everyone.
Daughter 2 has inherited #1's crib and most of her clothes, plus a highchair a friend's son outgrew. She has some new toys and necessities including a 2 child stroller and new car seat. What we no longer need for either, we've donated to Goodwill. We throw out anything truly unsafe or worn out. I buy their clothes at Target and gently used on Ebay.
Both have savings accounts and go to one of the top pediatricians in the area. They are both happy, social, and smart kids. We live in a nice area and though property taxes are increasing, the schools are excellent and I'll happily sacrifice frills to stay here. Living well doesn't necessarily mean buying things your kids don't need. Having us there for them is what matters the most not the $800 stroller.
Good for you I once worked for the government and attended a management seminar. One of the speakers talked about buying equipment for the government and said by only what you need and don't be fooled by all the niceties the contractor is trying to sell you. We took a coffee break and someone said to me that man practices what he preaches. I asked what he meant and he said he was wearing a paper clip for a tie clasp.
"wearing a paper clip for a tie clasp"
Oh, that's funny. I wondered if I was the only one who did that. One has to be careful not to damage the tie when removing the paper clip.
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Posted April 2, 2008 | 09:37 AM (EST)