Wake Up Democrats: You Are Hung up on Barack, but Hillary is What You Need

As a long-term registered Democrat who increasingly identifies as an independent and has weathered a torrid, post-9/11 love affair with conservatism, I am in a good position to judge Democratic prospects this nominating season. And I think we ought to listen to Mama and let Daddy-o go.

Fellow Democrats, there's something I've been meaning to tell you, but I've been a little uneasy bringing it up. Well, here goes. I don't think Barack Obama is for you. And I think we need to talk about it.

Wait, wait, before you get defensive--just hear me out. I know you love him. I know he's got a lot to offer. He's handsome, brainy, charming, passionate, and your love is brand spankin' new. Of course he wants you madly - who wouldn't? - and you're crazy about him.

But sweeties, listen to me: you don't really know this man.

And that's a big problem.

For starters--and please don't hate me for saying this--he's too young for you. Yes, I know JFK was young, too, but that was a long time ago, the world was simpler then, and anyway, Barack Obama--lovely as he is--is no Jack Kennedy.

When he pursued your nomination, JFK was a war hero. He had served six years in the U.S. House and--count em!--eight years in the U.S. Senate. Barack Obama has served seven years in the Illinois state legislature and three and a half in the U.S. Senate, one of those on the campaign trail. So please wake up and realize this man is not your first love. He may have JFK's charm, but he does not have his level of experience.

Next, you've been acting sort of like groupies lately, and it's getting embarrassing. I mean, crying and fainting when he speaks? What's that about? Are you nominating a President or the next American Idol?

Sure, Barack wants to help the disadvantaged, and students, and cares about energy independence. I hear you. Sure he gets you hot when he looks into your eyes and delivers his stirring speeches. But can he provide for and protect you and your children?

He wants to raise income taxes, social security taxes, and corporate taxes, straight across the board. That is no way to grow an economy.

And--I have to say it--the whole Jeremiah Wright incident really freaked me out.

"God damn America!?!"

Aren't you American? You can try to rationalize it away, sweeties, but that was a major dis--of YOU. And of me. And of every American, black or white, who doesn't believe that our country, for all its faults, is the Antichrist. Since when does a guy who loves you let his friends put you down?

Consider this: your sweetie Barack believes he can solve the world's problems by talking with our enemies. But over twenty years of friendship, he hasn't managed to influence his good friend and "spiritual mentor" Reverend Jeremiah Wright. How's he going to manage Iran's Mahmoud "The-Holocaust-is-a-Myth" Ahmadinejad, whom he has pledged to meet, without preconditions, in the first term of his administration?

He's already taking you for granted. He says he values you, but then he treats everyone who shlepped out to vote in Michigan and Florida like you're invisible. And forget about getting an autograph.

OK, I'm almost finished. Just let me put in a word about Hillary.

I know, I know, you've known her forever, and the newness has worn off. She's like that worn-in pantsuit you borrowed from your Mom, and what's sexy about that? But with her, you know exactly what you're getting.

She's got years of experience. Eight years in the White House advising the President. Trust me, she knows her way around.

She can talk policy till she's red, white, and blue in the face.

She cares about all of you, even those whose votes Howard Dean doesn't want to have count (Howard Dean--I warned you about that guy, too).

She would move heaven and earth to have you. You've got to admire her passion and determination! She cares about people in need around the world. But she also cares about you! She's brainy AND she's shrewd. And she gets the big picture.

She's no fan of war, but she understands that when you're dealing with terrorists like the ones targeting Iraqi civilians and our troops, kumbaya don't cut it. Back in August 2006, even before the surge, she was practically chanting, "Hey hey, ho ho, Donald Rumsfeld's got to go!" because she knew we needed a fresh approach to get our mojo back.

She understands not everyone loves you, and not everyone is nice, and sometimes having hope is not enough. This is important. Because I know you don't like to think about it, but you have enemies.

Lots of people are jealous of your beauty, freedom, and strength, and they are plotting every day to hurt you. She will protect you. Pre-9/11, Bill wasn't as vigilant as he should have been, what with all the philandering. But you don't need to worry about that with her--she's been dreaming about you her whole life, and she'll be faithful.

Wild sex appeal doesn't last. Dedication does.

Besides, from the right angle, I think she's very attractive.

Comments

[Cunningham]

Hillary Clinton cares about power, not about us. We don't need her, she needs us.
Thanks for the laughs, Heather.

[jerzeegirl]

It was Obama who used the word sweetie to refer to a female factory worker and Robinson's article was a send up on that. Of course, Obama's sexist terminology did not get much traction in the press.

http://www.usnews.com/blogs/erbe/2008/4/4/obamas-sweetie-problem.html

[greylox]

**Oh my gosh! I "need" Hillary like I need another pregnancy. Brrrrrrrrr.

[marylinpitz]

It's nice to see something satirical and sassy in this season of anger and recrimination. Lighten up, other "commentors"--- where's your sense of humor? --M. Pitz

[ResidentChimp]

You're right on the money, but unfortunately the guys who run the Democrat party are bound and determine to go down in flames. The real point is this: All far left candidates go down in flames in the general election. Obama's lack of experience is just the topping on the cake. The "words just words" is going to come back and haunt him and after he loses, the Dems will be trying to figure out why they went with a sure loser rather than Hillary where they at least have a chance. In addition, the gutter politics that the power suits are using against Hillary are just going to drive more of her supporters to McCain.

[LeftRight]

That you think that Obama is far left just proves how far to the right that the whole political debate has moved in this country during the last 40 years......

[798space]

http://www.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/news/2004/04/63147

In late 1994, a 16-year-old American girl named Heather Robinson ran an elaborate scam in what she said was an attempt to make her recently divorced mother happy; she obtained access to an Air Force base and used this access to make up an imaginary Col. Cunningham, who then carried on a 3-month virtual relationship with her mother. She even sent her mother a marriage proposal from Col. Cunningham, along with an engagement ring, bought with a stolen credit card.

"We were 16 years old, and I wanted to do something good for my mom," Robinson said. "After the court stuff was done, my mom put her arm around me and said, 'I understand why you did it and maybe some day they'll make a movie about it.'"

And a movie is in the pipeline, masterminded by the same Heather Robinson. This time, she has pulled it off by getting a job at AOL, illicitly finding contact details of Hollywood celebrities and producers, and befriending them under false identities. The family-oriented romcom The Perfect Man is apparently autobiographical. Proof that social engineering pays, or itself a bogus story planted by some Universal Studios marketroid to generate buzz for an otherwise insipid-sounding film?

http://www.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/news/2004/04/63147

[GoldenOKie]

Heather,
When you are trying to influence someone to see your point of view, it is best not to be condescending. Even if I were undecided, I would be put off by your tone. Sorry, but you have not convinced me. I loathe being called "sweetie" as though I were a mindless child. I don't want to see a "my way or the highway" personality in the White House. That attitude leads to polarization has served us badly for the past seven years. It is time to try a new approach where people listen and try to work together to solve problems.

[fiatpax]

Um...... I don't think they got it, sweetie.

[emmav70]

I was listening to you up untill you called me sweetie.

Just another shoulderpad feminist.

Still fighting with windmills.

[fridayjones]

Aside from the ludicrous content in this article, the writing style (or lack thereof) made me want to vomit.

My "sweetie" Barack Obama is an intelligent politician who has run an exemplary campaign that I am proud to be in "from the ground up" .
Since when do supporters have to apologize for supporting their candidate?

Trust me...Sweetie, your candidate is going to be left behind talking to an empty room if she continues to smear , lie, and spin her way into the position of an unwelcome guest at the democratic party.

[richardsgirl]

Well, now I'm convinced that ANYONE can write an article for Huffington Post. This article, from beginning to end, is an insult to the journalistic community. But maybe I'm taking it too seriously! Is this supposed to be a joke?

[stefanielaine]

Someone please tell me this is satire. Please.

[procrustes]

Obama is the first politician in a great while to speak to us as adults, and along comes Heather with the baby talk. Guess who offers change and who doesn't. Guess who believes we can make intelligent decisions if we're given straight scoop and who believes we're dolts in need of hoodwinking for our own good. Mama knows best, indeed! Excuse me, I gotta go barf now.

P.S. The candidate the world really needs is Al Gore.

[wineflip]

Like Bill, Hillary is a compulsive liar. We have one liar in the White House now. We don't need another one. She and Bill need to take their millions, move back to Arkansas, and dodge the sniper fire.

By the way New York. Tell Bill to move his ass office out of Harlem.

[PJay]

How shallow.

[jhamm1]

No, YOU wake up Robinson, for you obviously haven't been doing your research.

"As a long-term registered Democrat who increasingly identifies as an independent and has weathered a torrid, post-9/11 love affair with conservatism, I am in a good position to judge Democratic prospects this nominating season. "

Obviously, you're not in a good position to judge anything, as you can't even realized how Hillary herself embodies the "torrid, post 9/11 love affair with conservatism" that you supposedly abhore.

"She's got years of experience. Eight years in the White House advising the President. Trust me, she knows her way around."

Eight years of what? A disastrous attempts at health care reform? Misguided advice which fueled our misguided excursion in Kosovo. 8 years in the senate in which she failed to propose one successful piece of legislation. Spare me the constant ramblings about experience, considering that the best you Hillary-supporters can do is utter experience like an overused cliche, without being able to explain one example that demonstrates what she's accomplished during her years of so-called "experience".

"She can talk policy till she's red, white, and blue in the face."

Indeed, she'll talk policy without saying anything, offering nothing more than misguided incentives to revive the Bush doctrine of belligerent diplomacy, and recounting imaginary exploits about "braving" warzones in Bosnia and non-existent contributions to the peace process in Northern Ireland as examples of her so-called experience on "policy".

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