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'Real Housewives Of Orange County' Recap: 100 Episodes Later, They Still Say The Darndest Things

Posted: 06/25/2013 2:18 am

Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen "The Real Housewives Of Orange County: 100th Episode Special."

It's a historic day, America. Together, we forged a society in which a humble reality show, initially titled "Behind The Gates," permeated the pop culture consciousness and made it to this milestone 100th episode. To commemorate this dubious occasion, I'm going to recap the anniversary special in a manner that best reveals the bizarre appeal of these women: in their own (grammatically compromised) words.

Without further ado, I present the 100th episodes of "The Real Housewives of Orange County" in 100 sound bites. Woo hoo!

"Holy crap." -Vicki

"He's pretty much keeping me." -Jo on Slade

"Don used to fill up my love tank, and now that love tank is depleted." -Vicki

"Who has a vibrator with a cord?" -Tamra

"These are not fake." -Gretchen

"It takes a tickin' and keeps on lickin'." -Lynne

"I bid $2,500 in order to participate in the 'Housewives.'" -Slade

"I did it for love." -Jo

"I'm trying to make money here, Briana." -Vicki

"It was like an altered state of reality. Where was this place where there was a grotto and moms in bikinis? It was a place I wanted to go." -Andy Cohen

"A good 'Real Housewife' is pretty, she's outspoken, she's opinionated, she has strong feelings about how she lives her life, and how others should live their lives." - Andy Cohen.

"This last season, I have to say, the girls are tools." -Gretchen

"You didn't know if Tamra was a vixen or victim." -Andy Cohen

"Game on. Who is this bitch? I'm going to slash her tires." -Tamra on Jeana

"I was trying to train her how to sell life insurance. The girl sucked at sales." -Vicki on Lauri

"I shaved, I moisturized, I had an avocado peel. I worked out in my underwear. I looked like a douche." - Slade on his first episode

"I literally think for the first months of filming I ate nothing." -Alexis

"They're housewives one day, and the next, they're famous." -Andy Cohen

"You're competing with people in Beijing and Bangalore, and they're not watching the 'Real Housewives'." -President Barack Obama

"Rolex with diamonds. I'm 40. I deserve it!" -Tamra on her birthday gift from Simon

"Rolexes are special, they mean you've made it in life. I have the same one in a different color ... I just don't wear it." -Jeana

"When I showed my [engagement] ring to Jo, she just about fell off her chair. I think she was jealous." -Lauri on her ring

"When the camera gets on, people like to show off their s***. Lauri and George for instance." -Vicki

"I don't want someone with mosquito bites. I want something." - Simon on Tamra, pre-breast enhancement

"My vagina is perfect." -Vicki

"If you weren't doing a short sale, you couldn't sell your house. I went from six cars to one car. Why did I need six cars?" -Jeana

"One of the hardest moments was when Lynne and Frank got served an eviction notice." -Tamra

"That was the worst day of my life. I thought we had money when we didn't." -Lynne on her foreclosure

"Why would you send a family van? You have a little family van! We have six people. Why are you sending a family van for six people?" - Vicki (screaming) to limo company

"Hold on to your daddies, girls, here comes Gretchen!" -Tamra

"It sucks being the new girl, sorry!" -Vicki

"I bet you $8,000 those aren't real boobs." - Jeana to Gretchen

"You're like, dingy." Vicki to Lynne

"Hey, honey -- just cause I'm the new girl, doesn't mean you get to tell me to shut up." - Gretchen to Vicki

"Out of five girls, four of us think you say offensive things sometimes." - Alexis to Vicki

"It's a blowjob helper," - Gretchen showing off a sex toy to Heather
"My God." -Heather in response

"She's everything Alexis wants to be, but isn't. She's elegant, classy, smart, and has real money." -Tamra on Heather

"When you're in it, and someone's screaming at the girl next to her, and she's about to cry, it's freaking real." - Lydia

"Did you go to Bass Lake?" Tamra to Gretchen about frolicking on vacay while her fiancé was in the hospital

"Everyone's constantly stabbing each other in the back. Once you get stabbed, you need a new friend." -Lauri

"To skinny bitches." -Tamra

"We're going to get her naked wasted." Tamra about Gretchen.

"You turn me on." -Gretchen to Tamra's son at the "Naked Wasted" dinner

"Truth is way stranger than fiction." - Andy Cohen

"At the end of the day, we all care about what's going on. We're one dysfunctional effed up family." - Gretchen

"Stay out of our marriage. It's none of your business. I'm done." - Simon to Vicki

"Relax, Vicki. Stop letting him tell you what to think." Gretchen to Vicki re: Brooks
"HE DOESN'T TELL ME WHAT TO THINK." -Vicki in response

"If you go over 80 [mph], I'm going to slap you and you're not going to drive. I'm going to knock you out, Kara." Jeana, to her daughter Kara, on a road trip to Berkeley

"Cruise control, mom." -Kara

"Relationships, issues, dramas, problems. It explodes." -Heather

"The evil eye wards off evil spirits. Tamra, let me put it on you." -Gretchen

"I'm bored with this. Put yourself together or you can leave." -Heather

"Biatches be cray." -Kara

"It's none of your effing business. Do you understand me? Stay out of my life. This is a letter from my attorney. It's 'cist and decease'!" -Tamra to Jeana

"I'll throw your skinny ass in the pool." - Jeana

"Just because you pop a child out between your legs doesn't give you the God right to be a parent." -Gretchen to Vicki

"You are smoking crack, Vicki. Why are you dating Brooks? He went to jail!" -Gretchen

"At the end of the day, this bird is going to win." - Vicki

"As the production became bigger, our fashion got better, our makeup got better." -Jeana

"I think Vicki burned everything she wore on the first season." -Jeana

"The gold shirt and the brown pants. Burn it." -Vicki

"My fashion is pretty fabulous on the show." -Gretchen

"She takes chances." -Tamra on Gretchen

"The vacation episodes ... the women are all together for an extended period of time. They really have to deal with each other." -Andy Cohen

"We're going to Mexico!" -Vicki

"This is not 'glamping' -- this is full-on camping. There's no ice, there's no counter space for your makeup." -Alexis

"It was my dream come true, my fairytale wedding, with a storybook ending." -Lauri on her marriage to George

"The fact that Gretchen ended up being with Slade and met him through me -- that just violates girl code." -Jo

"The camera forced her to act out and show who she really was."- Slade on Jo

"You're just a bitch. That's rude." -Don to Vicki

"The good thing about his job is he's gone a lot." -Jeana on (now ex-) husband Matt

"I love her so much, but I have to let her go. It's real -- that you need to be without me." -Slade to Jo

"I can't believe we broke up on a couch." -Jo

"I want a respectful wife that acts like she's married." -Simon on Tamra

"I want a divorce. Eff you." -Tamra to Simon

"The kids are what grounded the show. They were the Greek chorus of what the audience was thinking." -Andy Cohen

"Why would you do that to yourself?" -Tamra on her son's full-body tattoo

"Did you just order a martini?" -Lynne to her underage daughter

"If she buys me this car, it will prove that she loves me." -Kara to her mom Jeana

"You're not even divorced and you're dating a guy that has a ton of kids ... he's driving your car around." -Briana to her mom Vicki

"Woo-hoo! Where's the party?" -Vicki surprising her dumbstruck son Ryan at his fraternity house

"I don't know what to say." -Ryan

"The reunions took on a life of their own." -Andy Cohen

"I get chills when I hear the word 'reunion'." -Alexis

"Kill me." -Tamra

"Is your ass jealous of the s*** that comes out of your mouth?" -Tamra to Gretchen

"If everyone says you're dead, it's time to lie down." -Heather to Alexis

"It's about moral character. That's what it's about." -Tamra

"Words hurt." -Lynne

"He's so brilliant that he doesn't have a job" -Tamra regarding Slade

"How does it make you feel to be called a transvestite?" -Andy Cohen to Lauri

"I'm the OC of the OG, or whatever he calls me." -Vicki on Andy Cohen

"At the end of the day, it's all worth it." -Alexis

"I'm pretty sure we're going to hell ... 'Housewife' hell." -Lauri

"It's like you left a little mini-legacy .... minus the French maid outfit." -Jo

"It became a phenome-mon. Phenome ... I can't say that word." -Gretchen

"I'll treasure every one of these moments." -Tamra

"Here's to being us." -Vicki

Well, dear readers, on that note, please tune in to the next episode -- 101 -- next Monday! At the end of the day, I will still be watching, and hope you will do.

"The Real Housewives of Orange County" airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET on Bravo.

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