The holidays can be really, really hard. We struggle to find the right gifts, and to find the money in our budgets to pay for them. All the preparation -- decorating, shopping, wrapping, cooking, cleaning -- takes time and effort, and it's not as if you can put the rest of your life on hold to get it all done.
And then there are the guests. Playing host to family and friends may be the most difficult part of all, particularly when there is so much pressure to make the experience a joyous one. (And if you are the guest rather than the host, holiday travel is no picnic, either.)
It's not at all unusual for people to feel more anxious, exhausted, frustrated or depressed at this time of year than they typically do. As if that's not bad enough, many of us routinely add insult to injury by feeling guilty or ashamed that we aren't bursting with happiness like we "should" be. After all, isn't this the season to be jolly?
And what's more, we feel like we are alone in our unhappiness -- as if everyone else is making merry while we are making misery. This common misperception only adds to our pain.
So why don't we notice that other people are struggling as we are? Research suggests that the answer is fairly straightforward: People are, generally speaking, more private when it comes to their negative emotions.
As a society, we are taught (often implicitly) to be embarrassed by feelings like sadness and anxiety, which suggest vulnerability. Consequently, we are more likely to try to keep them hidden -- the net result being that others assume us to be happier than we really are, even when they know us well.
In addition, the researchers found that people routinely underestimate how often their peers are faced with the negative experiences they themselves endure. In one study, undergraduates underestimated how frequently their fellow students were rejected by a romantic interest, received a low grade, or felt homesick for distant friends and families by 10 to 30 percent.
They also overestimated the frequency of others' enjoyable experiences, like going out with friends or attending parties, by 10 to 20 percent! So not only do we think other people are happier than we are, but we assume their lives are better, too.
Our ignorance has serious consequences. Research shows that the more you underestimate the emotional pain of others, the more isolated and lonely you feel. You are also more likely to brood and ruminate on your bad experiences, and feel less satisfied with your life. When our perceptions of other people's lives are distorted, we may feel sorrier for ourselves than we really should, and ashamed of our anxiety and sadness when we really needn't be.
They say that misery loves company, and there's good reason for it. There is comfort and wisdom, in knowing that other people share our difficulties and understand our experiences. If you can't take all the headache and stress out of your holidays (and I've yet to meet the person who could), then you can at least do yourself a favor this year, and embrace the very real truth that you are not alone.
For more science-based advice you can use to live happier and reach your goals (including next year's resolutions!), check out Succeed: How We Can Reach Our Goals and Nine Things Successful People Do Differently.
Follow Heidi Grant Halvorson, Ph.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/hghalvorson
Dr. Phil McGraw: Holiday Advice
Dr. Terri Orbuch: Baby Boomers: Find Happiness This Holiday Season
Therese Borchard: Holiday Stress: 8 Ways to Keep Your Sanity
Delia Lloyd: 5 Ways to Reduce Holiday Stress
Mental Health America: Holiday Depression and Stress
And that's exactly the problem. It's not the holiday celebrations that are the cause of our misery, it's the fact that our society doesn't value celebrations, time with family and friends, or even just the ritual of coming together over a meal. If we're lucky, we're allowed a day or a day and a half off over Christmas, and it's assumed that we will not only have magically found the time to make all our preparations, but that we will be so ahead of the game that we will also be able to show up on the day itself totally rested, grounded, and able to fully appreciate the festivities.
Living at the same pace and keeping the same schedule in December as we do in, say, June, is insanity. These are the shortest days of the year, biologically we are hardwired to move at a slower pace, and yet we are not given any real reprieve at all in terms of our work schedules. That's where the misery is coming from. We're being worked so much that we literally don't have the time to celebrate.