If you look under the "Self-Help" heading on Amazon, you'll find roughly 5,000 books listed under the sub-head "Self-Esteem." The vast majority of these books aim to not only tell you why your self-esteem might be low, but to show you how to get your hands on some more of it. It's a thriving business because self-esteem is, at least in Western cultures, considered the bedrock of individual success. You can't possibly get ahead in life, the logic goes, unless you believe you are perfectly awesome.
And of course you must be perfectly awesome in order to keep believing that you are -- so you live in quiet terror of making mistakes, and feel devastated when you do. Your only defense is to refocus your attention on all the things you do well, mentally stroking your own ego until it has forgotten this horrible episode of unawesomeness and moved on to something more satisfying.
When you think about it, this doesn't exactly sound like a recipe for success, does it? Indeed, recent reviews of the research on high self-esteem have come to the troubling conclusion that it is not all it's cracked up to be. High self-esteem does not predict better performance or greater success. And though people with high self-esteem do think they're more successful, objectively, they are not. High self-esteem does not make you a more effective leader, a more appealing lover, more likely to lead a healthy lifestyle, or more attractive and compelling in an interview. But if Stuart Smalley is wrong, and high self-esteem (along with daily affirmations of your own terrificness) is not the answer to all your problems, then what is?
A growing body of research, including new studies by Berkeley's Juliana Breines and Serena Chen, suggest that self-compassion, rather than self-esteem, may be the key to unlocking your true potential for greatness.
Now, I know that some of you are already skeptical about a term like "self-compassion." But this is a scientific, data-driven argument -- not feel-good pop psychology. So hang in there and keep an open mind.
Self-compassion is a willingness to look at your own mistakes and shortcomings with kindness and understanding -- it's embracing the fact that to err is indeed human. When you are self-compassionate in the face of difficulty, you neither judge yourself harshly, nor feel the need to defensively focus on all your awesome qualities to protect your ego. It's not surprising that self-compassion leads, as many studies show, to higher levels of personal well-being, optimism and happiness, and to less anxiety and depression.
But what about performance? Self-compassion may feel good, but aren't the people who are harder on themselves, who are driven to always be the best, the ones who are ultimately more likely to succeed?
To answer that, it's important to understand what self-compassion is not. While the spirit of self-compassion is to some degree captured in expressions like give yourself a break and cut yourself some slack, it is decidedly not the same thing as taking yourself off the hook or lowering the bar. You can be self-compassionate while still accepting responsibility for your performance. And you can be self-compassionate while striving for the most challenging goals -- the difference lies not in where you want to end up, but in how you think about the ups and downs of your journey. As a matter of fact, if you are self-compassionate, new research suggests you are more likely to actually arrive at your destination.
In their studies, Brienes and Chen asked participants to take either a self-compassionate or self-esteem-enhancing view of a setback or failure. For example, when asked to reflect on a personal weakness, some were asked to "imagine that you are talking to yourself about this weakness from a compassionate and understanding perspective. What would you say?"
Others were asked to instead focus on boosting their self-esteem: "Imagine that you are talking to yourself about this weakness from a perspective of validating your positive qualities. What would you say?"
People who experienced self-compassion were more likely to see their weaknesses as changeable. Self-compassion -- far from taking them off the hook -- actually increased their motivation to improve and avoid the same mistake again in the future.
This increased motivation lead to demonstrably superior performance. For instance, in one study, participants who failed an initial test were given a second chance to improve their scores. Those who took a self-compassionate view of their earlier failure studied 25 percent longer, and scored higher on a second test, than participants who focused on bolstering their self-esteem.
Why is self-compassion so powerful? In large part, because it is non-evaluative -- in other words, your ego is effectively out of the picture -- you can confront your flaws and foibles head-on. You can get a realistic sense of your abilities and your actions, and figure out what needs to be done differently next time.
When your focus is instead on protecting your self-esteem, you can't afford to really look at yourself honestly. You can't acknowledge the need for improvement, because it means acknowledging weaknesses and shortcomings -- threats to self-esteem that create feelings of anxiety and depression. How can you learn how to do things right when it's killing you to admit -- even to yourself -- that you've done them wrong?
Here's an unavoidable truth: You are going to screw up. Everyone -- including very successful people -- makes boatloads of mistakes. The key to success is, as everyone knows, to learn from those mistakes and keep moving forward. But not everyone knows how. Self-compassion is the how you've been looking for. So please, give yourself a break.
For more science-based strategies you can use to reach your goals and get happier and healthier, check out Succeed: How We Can Reach Our Goals and Nine Things Successful People Do Differently.
Trying to figure out where you go wrong when it comes to reaching your goals? Check out the free Nine Things Diagnostics.
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As many have commented here, true self esteem is not trying to live up to a plastered -on image of oneself,complete with repetitious affirmations etc. This is self hypnotism and may work for a time.
Real self compassion and self esteem arise from the realisation of who we really are... in essence, our true nature is ever unfolding..
Thanks for the article..
This is what real self esteem is all about. What you have called self esteem -- in error -- isn't self esteem, but self importance. True self esteem comes from self knowledge -- from the actualization of your true unique self and special unique gifts and purpose -- not from competition, emulating others, or having a puffed up ego, or self importance.
Sky Abbelar
http://www.self-esteem-guru.com
Noun
· belief in oneself; self-respect
· undue pride in oneself; conceit
This definition seems to imply that self-esteem is a view of oneself without necessarily a clear understanding of ourselves. In other words, we’re simply telling ourselves how great we are. According to this definition, self-esteem seems to be rooted in the ego, as the article states.
The self-esteem that we advocate to spiritual seekers is based on an honest self-appraisal. Through the practice of mindfulness meditation, seeks gradually lose their sense of a separate self (or ego), and develop a deeper connection with the rest of humanity. They also develop compassion for all living beings, including themselves.
Charles A. Francis
The Mindfulness Meditation Institute
http://www.MindfulnessMeditationInstitute.org
The key is understanding and embracing all aspects of ourselves just as we are and not judging ourselves according to traditional standards of perfection. Coming up with a catchy phrase like "self-compassion" for accepting, embracing and loving ourselves just as we are is quite the same as telling someone to increase their self-esteem. I can imagine all the books that will soon appear on Amazon telling readers how to increase or build their self-compassion.
Just teach people that they are fine just the way they are and that their so-called flaws, mistakes and failures are all part of what makes them awesome!
In general this is a great perspective. However, anyone that kills/abuses another is not to be considered "awesome". Those that kill do not realize what they do. The Truth is: There is no separation. Hence: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you..... Because you and others are the same.
Another way to look at this is that if you are a person who is honest with himself, you simply cannot have genuine self-esteem without first having self-compassion. Rather than dismiss the importance of self-esteem altogether, it might be better to view it as either stable, justified self-esteem built on a foundation of self-compassion, or as unstable, phony self-esteem built with no such foundation.
Self-help books ignore this fact and merely teach people to delude themselves into thinking they're awesome. When this doesn't work, the person moves on to another self-help book, guaranteeing that the market for self-help books will continue.