Can You Have a Good Divorce?

Are "good" and "divorce" in the same sentence an impossibility? I believe it is possible to have a good divorce. Following are some tips on how to have a good divorce even though you are going through one of the worst times in your life.

1. Are you sure that your marriage is over and cannot be saved? Have you tried counseling and exhausted all possibilities of saving the marriage? Divorce should be the last resort, not your first. Having counseling during the divorce as well can be very helpful towards a good divorce.

2. Can you treat your spouse with respect and dignity? Remember that at one time you loved each other.

3. If you have children, can you put their best interests ahead of your wants or needs? This is difficult, and too often people in the heat of emotion will do things to put children in the middle. Don't do this

4. Can you talk issues through? At one time you were able to communicate. It is difficult, but the more that you and your spouse can communicate, the better your divorce will be.

5. Can you stay out of court? The more that you go to court, the more you will lose control and the less input you will have over decisions impacting upon the rest of your life and the lives of your children.

6. Can you find an attorney who works for you, and is a problem-solver? For a good divorce you want an attorney who helps solve problems, is creative, and does not turn a good divorce into a war of the roses.

7. Can you be mature, even though you feel totally out of control and overwhelmed? This is where therapy is helpful. Also, it is important to think, and count to ten before you speak or do something. Be constructive and not destructive.

8. Can you be selfless instead of greedy? Remember that pigs get slaughtered.

9. Can you have a game plan? Set goals. What do you want? What is best for your children? Be realistic about your children, your property, and other financial issues.

10. Can you be honest and not play games? Too many spouses play games and do everything possible to manipulate and try one-ups-man-ship. This is not the way to have a good divorce.

Remember that divorce is a process. The better you make the divorce, the better you will feel about yourself and your spouse and your children. Your thoughts, experiences of your divorces, and comments are welcome.

 

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Comments

[rlaspari]

07:57 AM on 08/21/2011

"Your thoughts, experiences of your divorces, and comments are welcome."
Clearly they are only welcome if they agree with yours, or if they are left unsupported. Several times now you have prevented me from posting links to scientific studies that discuss the harmful aspects of divorce. Several times now you have prevented me from posting comments criticizing this editorial policy you have. At this point I am considering complaining to the Huffington Post about your conduct.

[rlaspari]

01:32 AM on 08/20/2011

Shorter and more honest answer to the question, "Can you have a good divorce?":
If you're the spouse who initiated the divorce, possibly. If you are a child of divorce or the spouse who did not want the divorce, probably not.

[ThinkinSo]

11:33 AM on 08/20/2011

I disagree...and I am a counselor in the field. I strongly believe that divorce is often the better situation. Children raised in unhappy, conflict-filled homes show higher rates of depression and anxiety, and do not develop strong sense of self. Also, being a "child of divorce" is a broad label that frankly lacks meaning. There is a significant difference in impact on a child who experiences a healthy divorce and one who experiences a turmoil-filled, vindictive divorce. Similarly, adults who deny the realities of circumstances, project blame, reject responsibility in the conflicts of relationships will most certainly not be able to have a "good divorce" and likely not experience growth from the process. Sometimes, people don't realize they weren't happy, either, and find it easier to blame another person for everything that is wrong in their lives. I think a key aspect of a good divorce is first looking at oneself and accepting one's own role in the process, regardless of who makes the first step toward dissolution.

I do encourage open and honest communication by everyone involved -- parents and children. That is not to say that parents should tell children 100% of details (far from it), but rather share age-appropriate information in a manner which reinforces a sense of support and security in children. That is really the most important message -- at the end of the entire process of change, everyone is still a family and always will be.

[rlaspari]

12:58 PM on 08/20/2011

I do not know whether you comment is disingenuous/dishonest or just ignorant, but there are numerous scientific studies on the matter now, and there is consensus. Statistically, divorce is harmful to children. The only exception is in families with violence and threats of violence (and even then divorce only helps children if it reduces conflict -- which is not often the case. The problem is that all too often divorce increases conflict.). Such families only make up a small minority of divorces though.

[rlaspari]

01:08 PM on 08/20/2011

Also, as far as adults go. Studies show that men (and statistically women initiate divorce most of the time) who are victims of divorce die several years earlier than married or single men. They also have more health problems and other problems.

[ladywiccan]

01:42 PM on 08/19/2011

I had a peaceful divorce, I was in Washington state and he was in Texas, I kept what was mine and he did the same and we haven't spoken to each other for 45 years. I did not work outside the home with my second marriage until all the munchkins were up in high school, and even then. our home was neat and clean. In some instances I think the husban can get off their lazy butts and help out , they might be tired from their jobs, but the wife can be equally tired but is expected to work outside the home, plus keep the home spotless and put dinner on the table the second he gets home

[Zalkreb]

05:49 PM on 08/21/2011

All this endless carping about husbands not helping on housework as much as the wife wants ignores the fact that, generally speaking and with occasional exceptions, husbands want far less housework done than wives want to do. Wives compete with each other to have the cleanest, best-decorated home. Men, as a rule, are barely aware of any such competition.

If a woman works her fingers to the bone to keep a home looking the way she wants it to, that does not give her the authority to demand and require that her husband work his fingers to the bone to keep a home looking the way she wants it to. Is this clear?

[ladywiccan]

10:13 PM on 08/21/2011

clear as mud, while I was a stay at home I demanded nothing of my husband except to take the garbage out once a week, if he wanted to help, I'd send hime upstairs to read to the munchkins. For the first 17 years of our marriage he was in the Navy and gone alot . after that when he was stationed ashore and home every night, I still didn't demand anything from him, he had enough demands form thesquids at work. After he retired he was unemployed for a while, I went to work at a nursing home, when I would get home at 2am he'd have a light dinner and a warm bath waiting for me, just as I had fo him,

[Hector Torres2]

12:50 PM on 08/19/2011

It is possible to get a "good divorce" if both parties agree to compromise and come to a fair agreement without getting the Courts involved. As the author says, it is important to not put the needs of the children first. That being said, In Florida it is IMPOSSIBLE to get a good divorce unless you settle out of Court. The problem is that the Family Section of the Florida Bar promotes and supports an antiquated alimony law that allows an ex-spouse to get alimony for LIFE! And the Florida Attorneys use this law to create a WAR between the divorces; a war that lasts a lifetime. Please visit http://www.floridaalimonyreform.com/ and support our cause to change the alimony law in Florida.

[Hector Torres2]

01:08 PM on 08/19/2011

Please excuse my typo. I meant to write "As the author says, it is important TO PUT the needs of the children first."

[ThinkinSo]

11:13 AM on 08/20/2011

You are either misinformed or had a really bad divorce attorney. That is not at ALL what the Florida law says. How about the fact that in many cases, women are entitled to no alimony at all? Or how about the circumstances under which alimony changes? I do not disagree that the laws could use review, but the reality is that there is no way to be "fair" to everyone involved in every case with laws that address the general population. Here's a thought -- you want a "good divorce?" Try having a good marriage. Try not screwing over your spouse and intentionally taking advantage of the other person. THAT'S how to have a good divorce.

[Hector Torres2]

12:25 AM on 08/21/2011

Dear ThinkinSo....Apparently YOU are misinformed about the Florida alimony laws and the meaning of JUST. The law in Florida promotes the awarding of permanent alimonyand that is not fair or just. It is possible to be "FAIR" and "JUST" to the majority of cases if the law is reformed. Of course there will never be a law that is perfect. For the record, I did not "screw over" my spouse either during or after the marriage. Having a good marriage does not mean you will have a good divorce. Any ex-spouse that decides to receive permanent alimony for life is the one doing the "screwing over" and taking advantage of another human being. Any ex-spouse that decides to receive permanent alimony for life while being fully capable of working has no self-respect!

[InsideBrooklyn]

10:18 AM on 08/19/2011

Surely you jest. Of course divorce can be good.

[Henry Gornbein]

12:51 PM on 08/19/2011

High InsideBrooklyn,

It depends upon the attitude of the parties and their attorneys. It does not have to be a war. Thank you for your comments.
Henry Gornbein

[Richard McRae]

10:11 AM on 08/19/2011

There is most definitely "good divorce." My ex and I loved each other, were best friends, and absolutely unable to be married. We had an amicable divorce, no bitterness, and no one did anything bad to the other. Now we are still best friends and love each other dearly - and much happier now that we can each try and find someone more compatible for us that we were.

We were good married, but we have been amazing since the divorce. It was the best thing that could have happened to our relationship.

[frank day]

11:07 AM on 08/19/2011

Hmmmm..... I'd like to hear her side.

[Richard McRae]

11:20 AM on 08/19/2011

lol I'll tell her to get on here and tell you. We work together ( she got me the interview months AFTER the divorce) and still get brunch together every Sunday. Despite the fact that we both date other people.

[Henry Gornbein]

12:53 PM on 08/19/2011

Hi Richard McRae,
Thank you for your comments. My goal is to help my clients achieve a good divorce if at all possible. Sometimes people are better off as friends instead of as spouses.
Good luck to you.

Henry Gornbein

[american-dolt]

09:41 AM on 08/19/2011

Why does anyone need to get Married? Tax Break?

[Henry Gornbein]

12:54 PM on 08/19/2011

Hi american-dolt,
Love, children, economics. The reasons are endless. Good luck to you and thank you for your comments.

Henry Gornbein

[Nosybear]

09:41 AM on 08/19/2011

Yes, a good divorce is possible. My ex-wife and I are friends now. Had we stayed in the relationship, that would not have happened. My current wife and I will see her when we go on vacation to Germany next week. It was bad at the time but most changes are. It worked out for the best, primarily because of the points you mention above.

[Henry Gornbein]

12:55 PM on 08/19/2011

Hi Nosybear,
Thank you for your kind words and comments. I am glad that things worked out well for you. Good luck to you.

Henry Gornbein

[foxisms]

09:31 AM on 08/19/2011

Sure you can have a good divorce if you know how to avoid each other completely, get on with your new life and leave well enough alone.
The question still remains however; can you have a good marriage in the first place?

[Henry Gornbein]

12:56 PM on 08/19/2011

Hi foxisms, Thank you for your comments. When you have children you cannot avoid each other completely and it is best to try to communicate and do what is in the best interests of your children. Good luck to you.

Henry Gornbein

[foxisms]

03:44 PM on 08/19/2011

I understand, Henry.
Some contact would be occasionally necessary in that situation.
But artificiality wears no disguise for kids and underlying bad vibes are tactile.
I'm in one of those 25 year marriages that is happy enough (no one I know is ecstatic about anything on this side of the therapy ward... and that's a normal state of things, "happy enough") but rather than allow my kids to sit down wind of the smoldering embers of a failed marriage on holidays and special occasions, I think I'd allow them the tranquility that comes with a clean break.
Sometimes expose to the more subtle negativities are the most hazardous, esp to kids.
Nice piece, considerate view point.
Thanks for your reply.
Peace.

[wedgie]

09:26 AM on 08/19/2011

I am working on my "good divorce" at the moment. I will be for the next decade or so. It's going pretty darn well. You can read about it on Author and Huffpost commentator Greg Olear's site here: http://www.fathermucker.com/2011/08/choose-joy/

[Henry Gornbein]

12:57 PM on 08/19/2011

Hi wedgie,
Thank you for your comments. I hope that your 'good divorce' goes well.

Henry Gornbein

[wedgie]

04:24 PM on 08/19/2011

Thanks Henry. Keep up the good work. We need to take the stigma out of divorce and stop condemning those who make that difficult choice. It's hard enough without a ton of dogma and negativity from the peanut gallery.

[Fritzzler]

08:59 AM on 08/19/2011

I would never have believed any divorce could be smooth until my son's.
They are still amiable and consider each other friends. This is in some ways so unusual to me I find it disturbing that I should not be able to understand it.

[frank day]

09:10 AM on 08/19/2011

any kids involved? I think it would be much easier without the pressures of

raising children.

[Henry Gornbein]

12:58 PM on 08/19/2011

The Fritzzler,
Thank you for your comments. I am glad that your son had a smooth and good divorce. That is always the ultimate goal. Good luck to you.

Henry Gornbein

[Ami Munro]

08:47 AM on 08/19/2011

My divorce was great. I got 99%. The 1% was the clothes on his back. I could have gotten that if I had tried harder. (But I felt sorry for him, so I let it go.)

[frank day]

09:01 AM on 08/19/2011

Posts like yours make me feel sad and more than a little bit frightened

about where we are as a society.

[kapalabhati]

10:20 AM on 08/19/2011

Agreed.

[Kyuzo]

09:06 AM on 08/19/2011

Divorce is about liberation, not punishing the other person. I certainly hope you were rightfully entitled to "99%" although a sincerely doubt you were the sole breadwinner and he never paid a dime for anything.

[frank day]

08:17 AM on 08/19/2011

What is love?

Marriage should be about commitment? Not about a "MOOD"

I understand that some spouses break the contract and that is unfortunate.

But why bother with marriage if it is to be taken so lightly?

[Kyuzo]

08:59 AM on 08/19/2011

I personally think marriage is rather silly and outdated. I find that a relationship where either person is free to walk out the door whenever they want is usually stronger than one where two people are bound by a piece of paper to stay together.

[frank day]

11:06 AM on 08/19/2011

Even where children are involved???

I think you are just saying that YOU don't want marriage.

Others might enjoy a more secure arrangement.

[Kyuzo]

08:12 AM on 08/19/2011

My divorce was fantastic. One of the best days of my life.

[frank day]

08:17 AM on 08/19/2011

Why?

[Kyuzo]

08:50 AM on 08/19/2011

Because my relationship and marriage included verbal and physical abuse, infidelity, her refusal to find a job, her refusal to do any chores around the house, completely lack of intimacy or privacy (everything between us was announced to her friends and family) and untreated mental illness.

Removing her from my life made me appreciate everything a whole lot more. Life is very good.

[dkrypt]

07:58 AM on 08/19/2011

In seven years of marriage, my wife hasn't paid a single bill, has been almost completely unemployed, keeps the home looking exactly like a post-tornado FEMA hazard zone, and she's also depressed and refusing therapy, preferring just to pop pills.

We have no children. If I choose divorce, how do I make it a good divorce?

[Kyuzo]

08:13 AM on 08/19/2011

That's nearly identical to my situation. Just thank God every day that there are no children in the mix (and take precautions to keep it that way).

There's no way to make it easy. Just separate, hire an attorney and serve her.

[frank day]

08:19 AM on 08/19/2011

Wow

[frank day]

08:18 AM on 08/19/2011

What was she like when you dated her?

When did she change?

[dkrypt]

09:08 AM on 08/19/2011

While we dated, she lived at home with her permanently disabled father. She has the occasional job (very occasional). She said that she didn't work because she spent her time taking care of her father (it turned out later that her mom was actually caring for him just fine, and my wife didn't even visit her parents for months at a time after we married, so, she obviously wasn't necessary. But I didn't know that before marriage).

She didn't tell me that she was diagnosed as depressed until after we married. Both her brother and I offered to pay for therapy, but she only went maybe 5 times or so before dropping it forever.

Before marriage, we talked about married life and the responsibilities of it and in retrospect, it was mostly me who talked while she agreed or listened or nodded.

So things changed the second that she stopped being a girlfriend and started being a member of my family who I expected to depend on. Sadly I learned immediately and on a daily basis that I can't depend on her for anything. I just hadn't known.