Is it Alright to Date During My Divorce?

Over my many years of specializing in family law, I have had many clients ask me about dating during a divorce. This is a tricky question. Some attorneys take the position that there should absolutely be no dating until a divorce is final. There are also some situations where it becomes a moot point because one spouse has already been dating, perhaps for months or even years, before the divorce has actually been filed because of either one affair or serial affairs. In cases where I am representing the innocent spouse who did not stray from the marriage, is it okay for him or her to date? There is no clear cut answer.

Here are some of my thoughts on this subject:

1. If custody is an issue, dating is usually inappropriate. It is clearly wrong to introduce your children to your boyfriend or girlfriend during a divorce. If anything, you are putting the children into an uncomfortable position, doing damage to them, and also adding fuel to the fire towards your soon to be ex-spouse. Dating and custody often do not mix and this can be an issue in a custody case, so it is important that you really talk to your attorney about this.

2. What about where the children are not going to be involved? This is tricky. My attitude is one of allowing dating if it is not going to impact upon the children. In addition, it should not impact upon the divorce and should be done discreetly. The problem, in our high-tech society, is that it is almost impossible to be discreet. You could be seeing someone, on the other end of town or in another county, or even in another state, and you would be amazed at who you will bump into. In addition, with digital photography on every cell phone and other electronic devices, who knows who is watching you. Big brother is everywhere.

3. What about the case where there are no minor children, and your client wants to start dating? Some attorneys still say absolutely not. My attitude is one of allowing dating if is not going to impact upon the divorce, and if it is done discreetly. Every situation differs. I don't encourage dating during a divorce, but sometimes it is okay. Many judges have the attitude that until a divorce is final, you are legally married, and for that reason you should not date. Some judges will have a more lenient attitude and say, once a divorce is filed, unless there are child related issues, dating becomes irrelevant, unless someone is really being inappropriate.

In summary, in some situations it is all right to date during a divorce, but if you are going to do it, be cautious and remember that too often you will be adding fuel to the fire. Bear in mind that every situation differs and what makes sense for your best friend or neighbor, may not make any sense for you. Remember that everyone is on the side line, giving you advice, and often it is the wrong advice. What are your thoughts about dating during a divorce. Please share them with us.

By: HENRY S. GORNBEIN
Family Law Attorney & Legal Correspondent
DivorceSourceRadio
40900 Woodward Avenue, Ste. 111
Bloomfield Hills, MI 48304-5116
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Comments

[mariclau]

09:05 PM on 09/09/2011

My ex was dating while we were still married. It took three years to finalize the divorce due to his lying over the value of assets. I started dating when I felt ready not when everything was settled.

[atienne]

12:58 PM on 09/08/2011

My ex and I are not legally divorced yet but our marriage is very over and has been for some time. He wasn't faithful during the marriage and ended up leaving. I won't pretend to know what's good for others but for me personally, I was a loner in that relationship for many years. I truly led my own life since my ex didn't want to be involved. I am currently dating now and he's not the "buffer" or any other safety net.

I met him through work-we got a long great and decided to have dinner. Of course my ex knows I am dating and he's unhappy about it but he has a girlfriend and his relationship is out all over Facebook, etc. I guess I learned to not let the legalities dictate my life. Except for child support, there's nothing I need or want from my ex and I have nothing to give him. I personally, refuse to put my life on hold any longer.

I saw the post about learning to be independent-I already was. My husband was completely absent in all aspects of life-money, child rearing, everything. But that's me-different strokes for different folks!

[Alyssa Catt Johnson]

10:32 AM on 09/08/2011

I have to agree with Valeriia (the reply button wouldn't work). It's just not a good idea to date that soon. Usually it is driven by a fear of being alone. Obviously that's not the case if you were having an affair while married. But the partner who immediately begins dating once divorce papers are filed is a different case.

Too many times, I have clients tell me how friends and relatives encourage them to "get back out there" as a way of dealing with an impending divorce. Are you people crazy!!! My clients are just trying to figure out how their bills are going to be paid and when they get to see their children! Throwing dating into this mess too is just about the worst idea imaginable.

One of the most important adjustments with divorce is trusting that you can do life on your own. Feeling confident in your own abilities. You're never going to experience this, if you just leap into another relationship. That sense of independence can't be earned if you're in a relationship which by it's nature requires inter-dependence at best and dependence at worst.

Give yourself and your kids time to adjust to your new single life. Then you can find someone who will enhance your life rather than rushing unhealthily into a relationship hoping someone will "complete" your life. Only you can do that.

Alyssa Johnson, LCSW
http://www.RemarriageSuccess.com

[Valeriia Miller]

12:15 AM on 09/08/2011

Dating during the divorce process is a DISTRACTION. Many people jump back into the dating scene because they FEAR BEING ALONE. They FEAR to experience the full extent of emotional pain of the break up, so they think that the connection to another person might help TO MOVE ON with their lives. I believe that more than likely, people who are dating during the divorce will do is exchange one set of problems for another because the expectations of a new partner are too high, the sense of urgency might cause the rush into the wrong relationship with the wrong person, and someone ends up being used and hurt as a result. Usually the person who is willing to distract himself/herself from the pain of a broken heart is using another person. Person during divorce can be compared with the wounded animal who is not healthy to build a strong, happy and functional relationship, so there is a huge chance to connect with a predator. I would strongly recommend to wait for TWO years after divorce is final to function as a SAFE, FORGIVING, HEALED, INDEPENDENT, HONEST, OPEN AND STRONG EMOTIONALLY HUMAN BEING.

[Henry Gornbein]

09:23 AM on 09/13/2011

Hi Valeriia, Your comments are very apt and appropriate. People too often jum out of the frying pan and into the fire. Thank you for your comments. Have a nice day,

Henry Gornbein

[Targa3141]

11:13 PM on 09/07/2011

"All right" is two words, not one.

[Uncommon Sense77]

10:13 PM on 09/08/2011

Alright, Targa. I guess you think it's all right for you to point the index finger of correction at another, while disregarding the three fingers pointing right back at you, eh?

But hey, we'd better not split hairs here. It's alright to have a bit of fun every now and again. :-)

[Breiss1]

07:41 PM on 09/07/2011

My ex-wife initiated the divorce and yes, I started dating a co-worker (another admittedly risky idea) before the divorce was final (but after my wife left me). There were no kids in the picture and the financial aspect of the settlement wasn''t an issue since we had similar incomes/assets. My new girlfriend and I tried to keep it under wraps but were not successful and there were some uncomfortable moments in the months that followed. Everything worked out - I'm going to be marrying my fiance (the co-worker) in the spring. Maybe we should have waited until everything was worked out legally, but I had no idea that an uncontested divorce without custody issues could go on.

[Breiss1]

07:53 PM on 09/07/2011

Self editing a bit here - "I had no idea that an uncontested divorce without custody issues could go on so long....(another issue altogether - her attorney and my attorney both milked the whole process a lot longer than necessary)...

[Targa3141]

03:24 PM on 09/08/2011

Additional editing, "I learned nothing at all from my first experience, so I am happy to repeat it without a prenup to protect myself." LOL!

[knowcomment]

05:39 PM on 09/07/2011

Thought at first that you were asking whether it was kosher for divorce attorneys to date their clients. I’ve seen that happen a lot. Knew one woman whose lawyer offered her a discount in return for her services. She never really said whether she took him up on the offer.

[knowcomment]

05:28 PM on 09/07/2011

My ex started dating before the divorce. It’s pretty much why I filed.

[Tracey J Hasting]

02:37 PM on 09/07/2011

I did not experience that. My ex entered the 12 step program and started a relationship with the 13th step. She has threatened my life because that upset me. How dare I?! I really got nerve!

[Morrisfactor]

01:59 PM on 09/07/2011

It is my unscientific observation, after spending sixty years on this planet and watching many divorces unfold, that most women not only date someone before they initiate divorce, but that they actually slept with them.

Women don't leave a relationship unless they have the next guy lined up.

I suppose that would also apply to some men, but women initiate divorce about 75% of the time.

[jf12]

02:50 PM on 09/07/2011

I think so too. "Incompatibility" is shorthand for "I met someone better", not for "I've been beaten".

Although a lot of women wind up alone by choice (reference many comments at HuffPost regarding cats being better than men), and although many of the men were bad guys cheating etc., I would bet that even if they didn't actualize a relationship before filing, most of the filing women have someone in mind.

[luzcannon]

06:58 PM on 09/07/2011

I have to second that. Just got maliciously scraped off by a woman I made the mistake of dating while she was divorcing. Just the transition babe, there for security until she was free to shop around for "something better."

Lesson: If divorcing people can't wait to get their freedom freak on, it's understandable, but don't date THEM. No one IN a divorce is sane or stable about relationships. They will soon feel trapped if you are serious about them, and their life will be chaos while they finish -- or not -- the chaos they're leaving. It's either going to turn into a high-speed repeat of their last failed relationship, with you as the new bad guy, or a bridge to their freedom from the ex, and eventually you. And it ain't over 'til it's over, so they can always change their mind and leave you with a broken heart and a reputation for being a would-be home wrecker. The odds are not in your favor. Trust me, puhlease.

[ojosmiel333]

05:19 PM on 09/08/2011

I agree. And for the record, there comes a point in every couple's relationship, where somebody can potentially find "someone better".

I thought the point of commitment was to BE someone better, not to LOOK for someone better. But hey, that's just me.

[Breiss1]

07:32 PM on 09/07/2011

Well it is true that woman initiate divorce more than men do, but you have it backwards, in that it is men that don't leave a relationship without having a replacement lined up. Women often leave relationships because they are unsatistifed with the fulfillment they're getting out of the relationship. Men are less likely to pull the trigger on divorce, again, unless they've got a replacement in mind or already established. Remember, men are much more likely than women to re-marry after a divorce (regardless of whom initiated the divorce).

[Targa3141]

11:15 PM on 09/07/2011

Wrong, and that last line refers to ancient studies which don't at all reflect the current demographic of divorcing men.

[Crystal Ware]

02:35 PM on 09/08/2011

I concur 1,000%