Texting, Sexting, and Affairs

I recently attended a seminar where I was talking to another attorney about whether more marriages are ending because one or the other spouse is involved in an extra-marital affair. It was her position that she sees almost all of her clients coming in to seek a divorce based upon one or the other spouses' infidelity. I thought about this for awhile. My response was that I have seen every possible reason for a divorce imaginable. There are possibly more affairs now, but I still see a lot of marriages ending for many other reasons.

Her position was that the internet has had a tremendous impact upon relationships. I believe it has. Twenty or thirty years ago, when people would have an affair, it would often evolve gradually over many weeks and months -- sometimes years. Co-workers would often become involved starting with chats over coffee, or at the water cooler, and then going to lunches and gradually going from talking to something more. With the rise of instant communication, the attorney I was speaking to believes that things happen much faster. Rather than relationships gradually evolving over many months, people today text, e-mail, and communicate at a much more rapid pace. This enhances and speeds up the romance and expectations. Everything is intensified with the click of a computer key. People used to get to know one another gradually over months. Now people think that they know one another in hours or days, especially with our high-speed technology that increases the need for instant gratification. Just like everything else, relationships seem to speed up in our fast-paced cyber society. With the stroke of a key, or by touching the send button, things can evolve almost instantaneously.

After thinking about it for awhile, there is no question that e-mail, texting, Twitter, and perhaps sexting -- along with phone sex and every other high-tech convenience -- has not only sped up our daily life and peoples' expectations, but has also led to quicker encounters. This means more affairs, and perhaps an increased number of marriages breaking up due to technology.

I believe that human frailties are the same, but the temptations and the speed at which everything happens is clearly far greater than it was before the rapid changes in our means of communication. Perhaps people are more easily tempted and get into trouble more quickly than they used to. What do you think?

By: HENRY S. GORNBEIN
Family Law Attorney & Legal Correspondent
DivorceSourceRadio
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Bloomfield Hills, MI 48304-5116
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Comments

[veryradiant]

11:02 AM on 01/15/2012

I think we reached a tipping point 40 years ago when leaving a undesirable marriage became acceptable. We reached the tipping point where enough women were getting educated and earning a living that society at large changed their views on the purpose of marriage. No-fault divorce, self actualization interest and much of the feminism activity in the 60/70s were a result of crossing that tipping point.
In many cases infidelity is a by-product of a unhappy marriage, but not the cause of a failed relationship. So maybe the internet reduces the time it takes a unhappy marriage to reach closure in divorce, but is not the cause.

[Navyguy65]

07:48 PM on 01/12/2012

Infidelity has always been a marriage killer. Seems like it used to be more of a male phenomenon, but now about equal between the genders. I think the reason is availability. Before, it was the man that was away from the home, wife and kids, and at work. With women working just as much, kids at after school care, the chances to find infidelity outside of the home has become easier for both parties, or sitting at home surfing the net for a little bit on the side. The internet has made it that much easier to be unfaithful.
Selfishness and the giving in to lustful behaviors is what baffles me. Just don't do it, no matter how easy it is. To me, it's like the obesity rate. The more fast food places and buffets there are, the more we eat there and the bigger we get. Even though we know its an unhealthy lifestyle and it will eventually kill us, we still do it...I just don't get it.

[Joost Allard]

02:41 PM on 01/12/2012

Henry,

I think there is quit possibly a trend here that reflects general tendency in American society these days. People have no time for reflection, are 'always on' and multi tasking. What concerns me is that this trend seems to be infecting all generations, not just 'the younger generation' which we are accustomed to saying that they do things differently.

I am hopeful that our initiative The Divorce Expo™, here in the Detroit area on March 24 and 25, will generate awareness of this topic and other topics and help couples reflect on what they might be throwing away when they engage in such activities.

[Arabella28]

10:56 PM on 01/06/2012

I think this is true. It takes a lot to call someone but texting is different...it is sort of hiding-behind-the-curtain-esque. It is a brand-new thing unto itself somewhat like casting a line in and seeing what happens to the bobber.

People who are going to cheat will. The times have made it easier for them.

I wonder if true love exists outside of classic romantic novels. A true fine love has become a rare commodity that few others beside myself value.

[Henry Gornbein]

10:31 AM on 01/10/2012

Hi Arabella 28,

Thank you for your comments. Sadly the internet seems to make it easier for negative human behavior to occur. Have a nice day,

Henry Gornbein

[Regina Wells]

05:55 PM on 01/06/2012

Mr. Gornbein makes a valid observation that I have seen time and again in my practice. Additionally, more unfaithful spouses are being caught because of technology where they would not have been a decade or more ago before caller id, reverse number lookup, texting, email, and social networking. Affairs did not "invade the home" as they do now where a virtual transcript of the affair is ready for the husband checking his wife's phone or the wife checking her husband's Facebook activity.

[Henry Gornbein]

08:00 PM on 01/06/2012

Hi Regina,
Thank you for your comments. I agree with you. The internet and social media have become extremely important in divorces. Happy New Year to you.

Henry Gornbein

[Henry Gornbein]

10:32 AM on 01/10/2012

Hi Regina,

Thank you for your comments. I see these issues more and more frequently in my practice as well. I agree that technology is a tool that can cut both ways, both for cheating and catching the unfaithful spouse. Have a nice day,

Henry Gornbein

[WhyBeadNormal]

08:31 AM on 01/06/2012

I agree with the author and it's sad really. The Internet has so many wonderful things to offer the world but the sex industry is one of the negatives. Whether it's sexting or just porn, it has become a major problem for many couples I know. It is all too readily available and can be hurtful.

[Henry Gornbein]

10:34 AM on 01/10/2012

Hi WhyBeadNormal, Thank you for your comments. I agree that the internet is both very good but there is also a bad downside, both with the sex industry and the fact that negative behavior can receive so much reinforcement on line to say the least. Have a nice day,

Henry Gornbein

[susanbsbi]

09:56 PM on 01/05/2012

Good article, i enjoyed reading it and agree that actually seeing the person face to face to get to know them has disappeared. Me I am old fashion, even though I am always on the computer

[Henry Gornbein]

08:02 PM on 01/06/2012

Hi susanbsbi,
Thank you for your comments. I am also old fashioned though believe that the computer is a powerful tool that is both good and bad. Have a nice weekend,

Henry Gornbein

[Henry Gornbein]

10:35 AM on 01/10/2012

Hi susanbsbi. Thank you for your comments. I am on the computer and on the internet a lot but also believe that there is nothing like face to face human contact. A Happy and Healthy New Year to you.

Henry Gornbein