With a medicine cabinet of beauty products promising anti-aging success for skin, face and eyes, my hair was having major case of FOMO.
My hair is getting old -- but not in the "I'm graying, dye me now" way. Until recently, I thought color was the only determining factor of aging hair: grey or not grey. Ironically, to me, it was very black and white.
A few weeks ago, however, I was corrected and then concerned. Startled, sad and shamelessly searching for a shampoo to save the maturing mop atop my head, I could not sugarcoat the sour thoughts of senior citizenship overtaking my scalp.
There would be no celebration or crowning (pardon my pun) achievement for old hair. Read: no discount on movie tickets, early bird specials or the reduction of car insurance.
I did wonder though, if not the shade, what signifies braids and buns past their prime? Apparently, a lot: fragility, breakage, dryness, dullness and diminished density (thanks, Redken.com). According to these standards, my brown head of hair fancies shuffleboard and is reading far above its grade level -- no thanks to my handy dandy hair straightener.
Although overall I look younger than I actually am, I decided I would not be taking any chances, like a college freshman with a fake ID. Instead, as a responsible, (boring) and young adult, I would conduct my research, weigh my options, come up with an educated conclusion and be in bed by 10 p.m.
Also, I donate my hair to minors with hair loss! They deserve pretty ponies, not pathetic ones.
To save my curls from further complexity, a friend suggested Julien Farel Haircare Zero Frizz Shampoo and Conditioner and Zero Frizz Restore, which provide A2B (anti-aging) Technology and promise hydration and nourishment. The latter also guarantees the restoration of virginity - well, at least the return of hair's virgin state.
After a steamy shower with this bad boy, a stronger and smoother set of pigtails were lookin' pretty youthful (and reminiscent of the 90s, when this was an age appropriate look for yours truly).
My only hang up came with the warning on the Julien Farel bottle: In case of eye contact, rinse immediately with water. Well, kids, I guess we're no longer lathering Johnson & Johnson Baby Shampoo.
Though I'm not shedding tears (or strands of hair), I'm wondering what's next in the category of anti-aging. My medicine cabinet is the Mary Poppins bag of beauty products -- all boasting benefits of yesteryear: Kinerase Instant Perfecting B.B. Cream (reduces the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles), Tata Harper Boosted Contouring Serum, MyChelle Pure Harmony Serum (gives skin a youthful glow). Even outside my skincare stockpile: vbeauté Anti-Age Hydrating Lip Gloss encourages innocence (the color is called Virgin. Again, with the sex talk.
I'm not looking to relive my youth. One embarrassing, awkward adolescence was enough. The truth of the matter is that I have no desire to look younger than I am now, either. And although I may eat my words, I'll probably feel the same way in 10 years. (Note: I can pass as a high school student. No joke. It's not always fun.)
Still, in my state, I find myself stressed about purely cosmetic ailments associated with Velcro shoes and varicose veins.
One thing I do (and don't) like about my collection of anti-aging concoctions and cosmetics is the reminder that youth -- physically, mentally and so forth -- fades.
I don't whisper "Carpe Diem," every time I massage my mane or cleanse my face with a bottle of anti-aging astringent, but maybe I should.
When my hair does finally find itself growing gray, perhaps I'll dye it a shade darker to conceal my age or to try a new color. Alternatively, maybe I'll let it show in its natural state. Only time will tell.
By then, gray or not, let's hope I'm no longer carded for Rated-R movies (cue the senior citizens discount!)
Follow Hilary Sheinbaum on Twitter: www.twitter.com/hilary_she