The bus pulls in this week at the Hard Rock Hotel in Orlando with our Fantastic Four on board - Penthouse Pet Taya, Punky Groupie Jamie, Sweet Lil' Complicated Mindy, and Baggage-Laden Beverly. Spoiler Alert! - seems I was right about Beverly having "I'm Next" written in invisible ink on her forehead. But first, let's re-cap. The so-called Blonterage are completely wiped off the face of the show including (deep ragged sigh) Ashley, the lifesize White Trash Barbie doll who provided many of the show's best lines.
The Final Four seem to be competing in the Drama Queen Department now that Ashley's just a figment of Reality Show History (seriously; can't you see her with her own show? Especially now that this show included a revelatory new commercial announcing that Season 2 Runner Up, Daisy de la Hoya, has her own show - Daisy of Love - starting 4/26).
This week's challenge is that the girls have to write a song that they will then sing with Bret in the recording studio. Beverly, Taya, and Jamie gamely tackle this new hurdle. However Mindy, who alternates between her persona as a sweet southern gal and then appearing as though she's combed her hair with a rake and become a screeching banshee, has a meltdown. "I can't sing!! I can't sing!!" she declares, generally freaking out Southern Baptist-style. On the ride to the studio she finally comes up with some lyrics, but she's truly shaken.
The ladies (and I use the term loosely) get to the studio and are told they will join Bret on a soundstage and he'll strum along while they sing their angst-ridden masterpieces about how they feel about him. Beverly is first and confidently delivers a surprisingly good tune, "Love War and Rock & Roll." Next up is Jamie, who flatly sings her song, "Text Message My Heart" (causing me to ROTFL). The third to perform is Taya, with "Once Upon A Time." Well surprise surprise, turns out Taya has a good voice and can actually sing. The other girls, especially Mindy, are really upset by this and start cattily commenting that Taya is here to promote her musical career instead of hooking up with Bret. Meow!
Mindy is last and she's whipped up a song called "On My Way to Loving You." She truly can't sing and pretty much dissolves into giggles as she tries. After they all finish Bret allows, "Girls, the lyrics to all the songs are surprisingly awesome." (Awesome is his favorite word by the way) Taya wins the challenge but Bret includes Beverly as second runner up for the prize, which is flying on a private jet with Bret to his gig that night at the Gonzales Thunder Rally Music Festival in Texas - how romantic!
Taya's all sulking and pissed off that she has to share this awesome experience instead of having her own date (Bret seems almost incapable of having a date with one girl at a time). Meanwhile Beverly, who somewhere along the way changed from an almost-real person to a Bret groupie beyotch, dresses for the occasion in five feet long eyelashes and a shirt that would do Ashley proud with her chassis pretty much completely on display. During Bret's set in front of hundreds (or perhaps just dozens - it's hard to tell) drunk bikers, the girls stand on the side bumping and grinding. Taya dances like a stripper and it's clear she is not used to dancing to hard rock. Beverly goes for the more tacky waving-her-hands-around approach, making intense hard rock faces. Taya's not pleased: "This is supposed to be my one on one date. So please get out of my face with the rock hands. Seriously."
They fly back to Orlando after the show and Taya throws a hissy fit about Mindy inferring she's on the show to promote her singing career after all these weeks. "I'm a jokester!" Mindy defends herself. "I put meat in people's shoes!" Too bad she didn't try that with Ashley or Brittanya. Lord knows that would have made for a classic reality show moment. I'm sure the producers are kicking themselves. Bret invites them all downstairs and personally cooks them breakfast. Hey, did you ever notice that his bandanas don't match his clothes and he wears too much eye makeup? But I digress. The food looks awful.
Before the elimination that night, Mindy goes to see Bret to complain that Taya is perfect and it intimidates her. Jamie, seeing her only chance to get all up in Bret's grill, interrupts the two of them and brings him the sexy photos she and Mindy took the night before while he was on his date with the other two skanks. He's a little too pleased - it looks like someone just gave him the newest issue of a hard core girlie magazine.
Elimination this week is considerably less dramatic than last week's booting of Brittanya and Ashley. Taya, Jamie, and Mindy get to stay another week and rock Bret's world. Beverly is ejected from the um, cat posse and goes back to real life, at least until the reunion show. And Big John, ever constant, ever loyal, stands by Bret's side. Who's next to go? I'm voting for Jamie to be sent home next week.
There have been rumors that this is the last of the Rock of Love series. I'm wondering if Big John is next for a spin-off show. My favorite line from him ever is when he deadpanned at one of Bret's concerts early in the season to the um, cat posse: "I specifically asked you not to be slutty and whorey." But Big J! Isn't that the point of it all?
Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels airs 9pm on Sunday nights on VH1.
Read more of Holly Cara Price's ruminations on the slings and arrows of outrageous pop culture at Snoop* Du Jour.
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