THE BLOG
10/25/2011 04:26 pm ET Updated Dec 25, 2011

Dating Advice for Women: Don't fall for 'The Game'

Last night I opened to a few random pages of the book "The Game," a guide for pick-up artists by Neil Strauss. According to many guys I know, this is a must read. Its black leather, red satin and gold writing cover alone speaks volumes as to what you will find inside. Here's a disclaimer: I did not read the whole book. I opened to a few random pages. But what I did see needs to be addressed, and I would like to call women's attention to it as a helpful tool.

I am going to discuss just one page I saw. It was a stick figure drawing of a woman, and pointing to each specific part of her body, there were "lines" of suggestion as to what a pick-up artist should say. Here is the gist of what some of them said (I am not quoting, just giving the general idea) -- "Is that a wig? Oh well, it still looks kind of real." "You don't look like you work out, but that outfit hides it well." "I don't usually like acrylic nails but yours look ok." The pick-up artist technique is to throw a cut, a jab, and then a sort of a redeeming comment. This follows the "game" rule that to get a hot babe, an "HB," you have to cut her down. Make her feel bad about herself and insecure, so that when you come back with a semi-compliment, she'll be relieved that even though she has bad hair or bad nails or is a bit overweight, a man still wants her. It also prompts her to try to MAKE him want her when he's acting like he doesn't. This is why this tactic will end up getting the girl to sleep with the guy -- or so the theory goes.

I realized when I was reading this that I actually experienced something similar not too long ago with an ex. I specifically dressed cute that day because I was looking forward to seeing him. I put on a shirt I thought was sexy and I blow dried my hair. When he saw me the first thing he did was look me up and down, take my shoulders and turn me around to see the back, and then said with an almost disgusted expression, "is that a new shirt?" "Yes, why?" I asked. "Um, yeah, no reason" he said with raised eyebrows. I felt like crap. And then, he looked at me with another disapproving look and said, "What's up with your hair? Why's it all, like, glamorous today?" I felt awful. I felt unattractive. I felt unwanted by him.

And that is why this tactic can work: At first, my initial reaction was to try to get his approval, to come on to him and make him want me, to prove to him that I was sexy even though he didn't seem to think I was. After I breathed through it and checked myself, I realized that I don't need his approval and that I am sexy regardless of what he says ... that my worth is in no way based on him. So, in the end, his "game" backfired for him because it made me less attracted to him. I don't want a man that cuts me a down and can't compliment me!

Neil Strauss believes a woman who allows a man to make her feel cut down and unwanted will immediately do whatever it takes to MAKE him want her. Yet truly, ladies, if a man cuts you down, walk away! You don't deserve to be treated that way. The next time it happens, just observe first what it brings up in you, be aware of what it's doing to you and see if your initial response is to try to make him want you and prove to him that you ARE sexy. But then check yourself and remember that you are sexy and desirable just because you're you, not because a man says you are ... or aren't.