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Holly Sidell Headshot

Dating Advice: He Didn't Call When I Wanted Him To!

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A friend of mine was really angry that she hadn't heard from this guy. They had a great second date and at the end of that date, he had asked her out again. By the morning of the next planned date night, she hadn't heard from him yet. She was really mad. Why hadn't he called her during the week to confirm? She was fuming. She had decided that even if he did call that day, she wouldn't go out with him.

First of all, he obviously liked her; he wouldn't have asked her out immediately after their second date and days in advance if he didn't. So that wasn't the issue. Secondly, I figured he would probably call her sometime that afternoon. They had a plan, he knew it, it was in his schedule. Thirdly, men who have been in the dating game for quite a while may be confused and not sure what each individual woman he's dating prefers. Maybe some women he's dated didn't need to hear from him all that often, maybe hearing from him too often turned them off.

She has no idea what's going on in his head -- maybe he doesn't want to be pushy, maybe this is how he dates, maybe he's just busy. Either way, it has nothing to do with her. And with the attitude she had now, when they did go out on the date, she'd be putting out an energy of anger and resentment, which would just completely turn him off. My friend had expectations that weren't met, which caused her to grow angry towards her date. But he didn't even KNOW about these expectations... so how could he possibly meet them!?

The advice I gave her was this: When you do go out with him next time, tell him that with all plans in your life -- friends, business, dates, etc., you really like to confirm a few days in advance. It's the way you work and it's what you like. Now he knows. Until a man knows what you like when you're dating, you can't assume or expect anything. It's not personal if he doesn't call when you hope or want him to. Yet once he knows, if he still doesn't do it, then I'd suggest it's time to move on. Not before!

Many women get upset when a man doesn't act on her timeline. But here's the thing -- he doesn't know about our time line unless we tell him about it. How can we be mad at him for something he doesn't know!? One of the reasons that the excitement of dating turns so quickly into turmoil for women is because as women, we immediately start setting expectations that he doesn't know about, so of course they aren't going to be met. We then feel resentful towards him and he senses this. As a result, he doesn't ask us out again. Why would he? All he feels is frustration and resentment from us without any reason why!

Until you TELL a man what you like and what works for you, don't get upset over what he does or doesn't do. Also, you have no idea what's going on in his life. You have no idea what the conclusions are that he has jumped to in his head based on all of his previous dating experience.

Oh, and last I heard, my friend was about to go on her fifth date with this guy. And guess what? He called two days in advance to confirm.