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Holly Sidell Headshot

Why Didn't He Call?

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I received some emails after my last post "He Didn't Call When I Wanted Him To," asking -- "okay, well what if he didn't even call at ALL!?"

I know how awful that is... that sinking feeling in your stomach... the heat flashes or chills running through your body when you realize a few days, weeks or months have gone by and he hasn't called. He said he would. Whether you slept together, had one or more dates, or just met out one night and he asked for your number, it doesn't matter. It sucks. You're angry, you're disappointed, you're confused. You want to know why. But, STOP RIGHT THERE. You can avoid the turmoil by just taking the WHY out of the equation. Who knows why he didn't call, and really, who cares? He didn't call, and there is nothing you can do about it.

You have no idea what's going on with him -- his issues, his history, etc. His not calling you is not personal... So stop blaming and making excuses and analyzing and hoping. Accept that he didn't call and move on. I guarantee you there are other men out there who would feel like the luckiest men alive to have the opportunity to call you! So stop wasting your precious energy on wondering why and getting angry. It will change nothing, it won't make him call you, it won't get revenge on him... it will only keep you from moving on, and keep you from drawing in the next guy. I know it is easier said than done, but I promise you that once you start practicing it, little by little, it totally gets easier to do. And you'll find that as you care less and less about if a guy calls you or not, he will be calling you more and more.

If it's not just a once in a while thing, and it does seem like there is a consistent pattern of men not calling, I'd suggest you stop and take a look at a few things -- you can be proactive and do some self-exploration. First of all, what type of guy are you going after -- are you going after "players," after guys who act uninterested, after guys who aren't available? And secondly, take a look at your own behavior. Are you regularly sleeping with men on the first date or going home with them from a bar after you just met and not being called afterwards? What kind of air do you put off -- one of desperation, one of entitlement? Do you make demands, try to get a commitment or start planning your whole future together on the first date? Do you get mad at him when he doesn't meet your unspoken expectations? If guys you like are repeatedly not calling you after a date or when they said they would, take a look at your own behavior. It can be very empowering to take responsibility for your actions and make the conscious choice to change what isn't working for you.

But, really, at the end of the day, it all just comes down to this: Focus on creating a full life for yourself filled with things you enjoy. Don't put all your stock in a man coming in and filling your life up for you -- you know, thinking "I'll only be happy once I have a boyfriend," or "once he calls me," and so forth... because it's not his job to complete your life for you. Only you can create a full life that you love. Once you're living that life, you really won't care why he didn't call.