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Holly Sidell Headshot

It's So Not Your Issue

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I caught someone who I have chosen to trust in a little tiny lie. It's not a big lie, maybe more of a little mis-truth. But to me it felt like the biggest thing in the world. It opened up a whole world of emotion. My insides felt like they were at war, with these thoughts like missiles being fired one after the other: "What is wrong with me that he needs to lie and go behind my back? If I were enough, he wouldn't go behind my back or lie to me... The world is not safe for me to open up and trust anyone... I am not safe to ever trust... everyone lies... there is no one I can ever trust... I am all alone... I am not enough... There is something wrong with me..." These thoughts were on the repeat button for at least a few hours.

I was on the downward spiral, from one person's tiny little lie to me. How did I finally get out of it? By remembering and realizing that what another person does has nothing to do with my worth as a person. His little lie = his issue. Not about me. There is no way, really, that what one other person does can take away my wholeness, value, and completeness as a person. I had let it. I made the judgment on myself that his little lie was all about me and how much I suck. Which isn't true. I thought about Sandra Bullock. Never for one second during all the media coverage about her husband's affairs did I think it was about her or that she wasn't enough or that there was something wrong with her. I thought, of course, only about what messed up issues he had that he had to behave like that. His issues. Not hers. Nothing took away her value. Same with all of us.

As much as we all wish we can, we can't control what other people do. As soon as we can really truly grasp that, we will be free. When I truly got that he (or anyone) is going to do what they're going to do, and I can't control it, I could breathe. The incredible thing about this realization and release too is that when you come from this place, you can observe and decide how to proceed. In coming from a place of power and strength, and owning that you are whole and worthy and complete, you can just observe what another person does without passing judgment on it. And from that authentic and strong place, you get to decide what you would like to do with the information.

So next time you find yourself making harsh, untrue, negative judgments about yourself based on what someone else does or says, stop for a minute and remember that what they do or say is their issue, not yours. Your issue is how you choose to interpret it. You can't control what they do or say, but you can control how you choose to react, or not react. And if that doesn't work, just think about Sandra Bullock.