THE BLOG
11/30/2011 06:34 pm ET | Updated Jan 30, 2012

Relationship Advice: Remember You Are One

I had a fight with my boyfriend. It sucked ... until it didn't. I remembered a little tiff we had a few weeks ago when my old wounds started opening up and caused me to shut down out of fear of getting hurt. During that fight, my boyfriend said to me, "remember, I'm on your team. We both want the same end result." That was all he needed to say. It shifted me right out of my fear and right back into a place of love.

When we were coming at each other with accusations and pointed fingers and threats and judgments, it felt awful because I felt separated; We weren't acting like we were on the same team. Our own wounds and egos and fears kept coming up. The more we let our fears and ego run the show, the more separate we became. We were only concerned with protecting ourselves. When I finally felt myself get sufficiently hurt and shocked enough that I literally couldn't even open my mouth to speak anymore, he hung up. He hung up mean. I didn't know who that person was. And I thought about things that I had said and ways I had reacted, and I didn't know who that person was, either.

Then I remembered what he said weeks ago -- that we're on the same team and that we both want the same end result. Somehow we had each let our fear and ego convince us that we were separate; we had let our fear and ego convince us that we should only look out for ourselves, only care for ourselves, not each other. NO. I wouldn't have it. I took a breath. I realized I'd have to let my fear go and let my love take over. I realized that I wanted to move back to our unity and away from our separation. So I called him back and reminded him that we are on the same team. He and I are NOT separate -- we're one.

Just coming at it with that consciousness shifted the energy of the conversation. I had to put my ego and fear in check ... put it in a box and really listen to him. I had to look at my part in it and take responsibility for it. I had to realize that he had his own stuff that was being triggered and feel for him and take care of him instead of let it trigger me back. I had to listen to myself -- acknowledge why I was getting triggered and why I was reacting the way I was, instead of trying to cover it up ... allowing myself to be vulnerable to him, allowing myself to see mistakes that I made and ultimately coming to a place of feeling HIS pain and feeling where he was coming from. Coming back to that place of oneness between us, coming back to that place where we are both working together towards the same highest common goal for us as a couple in our relationship.

Relationship patterns don't have to keep repeating. No matter what kind of fight or disagreement happens in any type of relationship -- with your friends, colleagues, children, boss, employees or parents -- remember that you are not truly separate from each other. Remember that we all want the same thing: to feel loved, to feel safe, to feel respected. Remember that all of us truly want the same end result.

Next time you're in a disagreement or argument with someone, try taking your fear out of it and putting some love into it. Try thinking not of only of yourself, but also of the other person involved. Try remembering that you both ultimately want the same end result. When you feel that separation, take a breath and make a conscious choice to shift back to a place of love and unity.