I have been finding myself lately not feeling well, having low energy, always seeming to be battling some sort of cold or sore throat, which is not normal to me. At first I just made excuses about the weather, about how everyone's getting sick right now, it's going around, etc. And while these are all true, they have never affected me before. Not feeling well and having no energy for long periods of time has been keeping me from doing things I love, like teaching more classes, writing more, spending more time with my friends. All the things it's kept me from doing are the things that fuel me. So by not doing them I started to feel worse emotionally, which led to me feeling worse physically, and the cycle continued.
So I decided to take a look at why perhaps I'm not feeling well. I know that on the physical level I'm taking care of myself, I'm exercising, I'm eating well, I'm getting enough sleep. But somewhere, perhaps on the emotional and spiritual level, I'm not taking care of myself. I started taking a look at when I started not feeling well. Over the past few weeks, I realized, I have not been present at all, not in one moment. I have spent the whole time looking ahead, not being in the moments of my life, not enjoying the moments of my life. I haven't been enjoying the journey towards getting my book published, only thinking about when it will get published, thinking only about the results, beating myself up that it's not happening as quickly as I'd like it to. I haven't been enjoying being back together with my boyfriend, I've only been wondering, is he the one? will we get married one day? will we have babies? instead of just being with him and enjoying the relationship. I haven't been satisfied with the current classes I'm teaching, because I'm only thinking about the new classes I should be adding and the new gyms I should be taking it to. Rush, rush, rush, rush. Constant judging of myself, constant judging of not being where I think I'm supposed to be. Being angry at myself constantly for not being yet where I want to be or think I should be. So of course I got sick. My body knocked me back to the present; forcing me to be in the present, since I'm not doing it myself.
Yes, we all have goals. Yes, we are all working towards getting somewhere. We think that once we achieve these goals, we'll feel good. Once we achieve these goals, we'll be happy. But think about past goals you have achieved. You felt good when you achieved it, but how did you feel a month after, a few months after? The joy of it went away, didn't it? You started thinking about the next goal. You started thinking that once I achieve this next goal, then I will be happy. You forgot all about the happiness you promised yourself you'd feel when you achieved your last goal. It is a continuous cycle of looking ahead and not living the now. We don't allow ourselves to just be happy now, because we're basing our happiness on what we do or don't have. Our happiness, our worth, is not based on what we have. It's based just on who we are in each moment.
Each moment of our lives, we have the choice to be happy. It is our choice, always. Each moment of our lives, we have the choice to be present. And, for me, I think the only way to truly live my life, is to be present in each moment. Really, that's all we have. Each moment. We don't know what will happen in the future. We don't know if we will achieve the goals we are working towards, or achieve other ones we don't even know of yet. All we have are the moments we spend working towards our goals. Living is not in the reaching of the goal, of the destination. It is in the "now" moments. Be where you are right now, because that's all you have. That's all you are. Right now.