Beyond Tiger Mothers: Lessons in Parenting and Education from World Faith Traditions

My 15-year-old daughter stopped talking to me last week. During a long car ride I suggested quizzing her on literature vocab words for her upcoming mid-terms, knowing that concentrated study time at home needs to go to her four AP classes. She reluctantly pulled out the flash cards she made for the test, and I asked her: "What is 'arduous'?" "Um, is it like when, sort of, you...uggh...I don't know."

I lost it. "'Arduous' -- you take all these hard classes and you don't know 'arduous'? Are you kidding me?" Then it got worse, and as usual, I ended with: "I'm blocking your Facebook."

Her response: "You're acting like the Tiger Mother." Her backlash bothered me -- because she was right. It was getting under my skin. Even my daughter was citing the Wall Street Journal's excerpt "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior," which has a spurred a gazillion love or hate comments all over the Internet.

The firestorm unleashed by Tiger Mother Amy Chua coincides with sold-out screenings of the documentary Race to Nowhere: The Dark Side of America's Achievement Culture, questioning the soundness of our high-stakes, high-pressure school culture. Meanwhile, policy makers are wringing hands over recently released global math and science test results showing Americans scoring significantly below industrialized nation averages, with the Chinese at the top. Despite a goal of becoming globally competitive, last year when my local school board faced a budget deficit, it joined legions of others around the U.S. and voted to eliminate the elementary foreign language program.

With such schizophrenic news on education, of course parents are confused. We wonder: What are the Chinese (or Indian or Russian) parents doing that we're not? It might start from a competitive perspective, but I think it stems from a deeper place: We want our children to thrive while the rules -- in everything - seem to be changing.

Fueling the frenzy, there's a message between the lines: that our children are like empty vessels that need to be filled with the "right" information and training, to attain "success" based on a fantasy of professional status. Universally, the wisdom of the ages contradicts any such presumption -- accomplished parents can't be the gods to mold their children in their image. If we try, the result is sadness and disconnection.

Turning to the world's great faiths and traditions, it's clear Confucianism, a strong influence on "Chinese parenting," certainly reveres education. So does Buddhism: "A good, all-around education, appreciation of the arts, a highly trained discipline and pleasant speech: this is the highest blessing." A material attainment fantasy is turned on its head in the Hindu Bhagavad Gita: "Just as fire is hidden by smoke and a mirror is obscured by dust ... knowledge is hidden by selfish desire." The Bible teaches "Through wisdom a house is built; and by understanding it is established." From Islam: "... the instrinsic merit and value of knowledge is that you act up to it."

An antidote to filling the empty bucket of my children's intellect has been to see them "as a mine rich in gems of inestimable value. Education can, alone, cause it to reveal its treasures, and enable mankind to benefit therefrom." This Baha'i guidance on education confirms universal spiritual principles. Our children are our trust, like a mine full of gems, and our job as parents and educators is to bring out those brilliant gifts responsibly.

Seen this way, we might approach our task with greater respect, patience, humility and appreciation for the diversity of each child's inner gifts. We won't treat them as empty and needing to be filled with distractions, achievements or more stuff. And our purpose in all of this is for the benefit of mankind, not simply an advancement of one individual's comforts or prestige.

This idea gained clarity when I spoke with Gayatri Sethi of Atlanta. Her parents were born in India, she was born in Tanzania, raised in Botswana, is married to an African-American and holds a Ph.D. from Stanford. She recently watched Race to Nowhere and has been contemplating the emotional, physical and spiritual consequences of the achievement culture.

Embodying global citizenship, she is mindful of the need to raise balanced, connected children, while valuing "excellence in all things." Her goal? "I hope they will be happy, healthy, honest and brave -- and life-long learners." This might mean no team sports that created anxiety in her first grade son, but pursuing the Tae Kwon Do that he loves. It also involves plenty of down time.

The debate on parenting or education best practices isn't going away, and President Obama's 2011 State of the Union address added serious emphasis to these concerns. But if we lurch from one sensational headline to the next, the frenzy will continue to be felt by our stressed-out, medicated, sleep-deprived kids. I want my daughter to start trusting me again to help her study -- if she asks -- and I hope to remain mindful of the wisdom of the sages, the bigger picture. A combination of some of the "Chinese" discipline is crucial but not enough. For raising thriving global citizens, qualities like flexibility, responsibility, curiosity, generosity, cultivating genuine friendships with diverse people, compassion and independence will serve as my yardsticks, beyond straight As. And it just so happens that universities look for this, employers prefer this approach and our world can be made a better place by them, too.

A version of this originally appeared on GOOD.

 

 

 

Follow Homa Sabet Tavangar on Twitter: www.twitter.com/growingupglobal

Comments

[dkclark]

09:28 AM on 02/03/2011

What a challenge it is to guide our kids and not dictate to them. Our experience is when our daughter is not pressured by us to do what WE think she should do, she is much happier and has found her own interests. We were faced with an odd challenge -- was it OK for our daughter not to want to compete? (We are both used to being competitive and winning!) Our daughter declared to us that she did not want to participate in competitions. She no longer wanted to take horse riding lessons or play a sport because they were all geared to competing and she didn't like competitions. She had been riding horses for years and was quite good at it. But it was true, there was no where to simply ride a horse for pleasure, only to prepare to compete. After giving her time without pressure to do what we thought would be good for her, she decided to learn karate from a woman who teaches karate not to compete, but to develop personal skills such as discipline and perseverance. She also decided to take art lessons to draw animals because she wants to work with animals some day. She asked for a new bike and spends hours riding and enjoying the exercise and being outside. At first it was scary for her overachieving parents but with time, she is finding her own interests and cultivating happiness from within. What a great lesson for all of us.

[NancyJoRose]

01:05 PM on 02/03/2011

Kudos to you, dkclark, for taking a step back and seeing and accepting your daughter for WHO SHE IS. This can be challenging for parents in today's environment, but is crucial if we want our children to live up to THEIR potential, not OUR VIEW of their potential. I call it giving children LICENSE TO SHINE.

[growingupglobal]

09:47 AM on 02/04/2011

@dkclark: what you did took much courage as a parent. I noticed you said "giving her time"... and that's an overlooked piece of the puzzle. Time to explore, pay attention, make mistakes. I wonder, if parents would set aside, say a month, to ease on the pressure, and try what you describe, what changes they would begin to see in their children and in their relationships?

[researcher]

01:56 PM on 02/02/2011

she is an american teen.

give her her cell phone and her facebook and she needs nothing more in her life.

this is rome all over again.

I recently visited a college campus and dont remember seeing one college student without a cell phone in their ear. we have become social butterflys who needs education?

just kidding of course but it will be an asian centuary (sic) and cannot be stopped.

got to go my cell phone is ringing. :-)

[growingupglobal]

03:01 PM on 02/02/2011

hope I'm not interrupting another call, but...yeah. totally.

The texts, calls, FB are creating mind-boggling distractedness for most people I know (adults are joining the ranks, too) - and definitely getting in the way of serious studying. And I saw the same thing on campuses. Is the phone the socially acceptable security blanket?

[Negin Anvar]

06:50 AM on 02/02/2011

Fabulous article, as always. Thank you.
I really want to see that documentary mentioned here, "Race to Nowhere: The Dark Side of America's Achievement Culture".
Moderation and balance are key. I always believe that one extreme leads to another. If we become extreme in our style of parenting (very hard to avoid at times, I know), then the consequences are plain awful.
I haven't yet had time to read most of the articles about the Tiger Mom approach. I have no intention of reading the book. It would make me too nervous! Not my style at all ... As written in another blog here, "If you don't have time to read her article, here is the CliffsNotes summary of what Chua hasn't allowed her children to do:
Attend a sleepover
Have a play date
Be in a school play
Complain about not being in a school play
Watch TV or play computer games
Choose their own extracurricular activities
Get any grade less than an A
Not be the top student in every subject (except for Gym and Drama)"
That's all too excessive for me.
Most importantly, GOODNESS and spiritual growth, in my humble opinion, are far, far more important than mere academics. Not to say that academics are not important, but they're not the end-all and be-all. Parenting is not a circus. I don't need to live vicariously off my kids or put them on display. That's not fair to them.

[growingupglobal]

02:55 PM on 02/02/2011

Lovely input - thank you Negin! Definitely - living vicariously off our children's accomplishments is NOT FAIR to them! But I see it all the time.

[Christopher1971]

09:34 PM on 02/03/2011

Well put. You are now officially fanned. :-)

[littlefairy]

12:05 PM on 02/01/2011

We are so prone to want everything to be A or B. I think that so much of parenting is learning on the job, and to make thinks more challenging, we don't get the same child the second or third (and so on) time around. Who among us, when we are older--and perhaps, if we have been learning, wiser--does not look back with regret at what we did or did not do as parents? This is not to dismiss or discount any of this conversation, but rather, to acknowledge our imperfection, in spite of our best efforts and intentions. Being human is far more complicated than any success or failure story would like us to believe.

[growingupglobal]

02:53 PM on 02/02/2011

Thank you - such a wise comment! When we acknowledge the points you make, the quality of humility also comes in to play. I don't think we are weak parents to own up to this important, but undervalued virtue.

[kidsidebyside]

11:28 AM on 02/01/2011

Dear Homa, Thanks for this stimulating discussion. Seems we all want perfection of one kind or another especially for our children. As a psychotherapist who works with parents and listens to children, the pursuit of perfetion can get tricky at times and put a wedge between the parent and child and poison the well that the child must drink from. There are certain principles of relationship that will save the day if parents know about it.
Abdu'l-Baha teaches how we achieve perfection without any side effects. `Abdu'l-Bahá wrote a letter to Andrew Carnegie.[214][215] “Man reacheth perfection through good deeds, voluntarily performed, not through good deeds the doing of which was forced upon him.” Parents must learn the art of loving consultation with their children to help them discover their passions and do the work to pursue it.

[growingupglobal]

02:51 PM on 02/02/2011

Thank you for sharing this wisdom from your professional experience. I notice you say you are a psychotherapist who "listens to children." This wasn't a primary point in your comment but struck me as a good indicator of your approach to children's and family health. And I love "perfection without any side effects." We have free will to choose our paths, and even parents can't force this on our children, as the quote you cite indicates.

[Billie]

09:57 AM on 02/01/2011

A lot of this obsession with parenting books and advice seems to me to be more about making money and fame than about balanced, fair and loving childcare. Just the word 'parenting.' It's insane. Let kids relax a bit from all this overcontrol and endless micromanaging

[growingupglobal]

02:47 PM on 02/02/2011

And wasn't the whole Tiger Mother incendiary excerpt above all a brilliant stroke of book marketing? I originally had a point about this in the article, but decided to delete it, as I wanted to focus on other issues!

[NancyPeske]

08:08 AM on 02/01/2011

I think we all push our children sometimes, and if we don't get the results we want, we second guess ourselves. If we're being mindful of our motivations and not acting out of fear but measured concern, we're less likely to be too forceful for the situation. Wouldn't most adults say there was a time in their childhood when someone pushed them out of their comfort zone and in retrospect, they're glad it happened?
There has to be a lot of inner terror for a mom to threaten to burn a child's beloved stuffed animals like Tiger Mom did. When we let go of the fear, then we see the bigger picture and choose our battles.

http://www.sensorysmartparent.com

[AquarianLady]

08:41 AM on 02/01/2011

Thank you for the link, Nancy. Dante is a fortunate little boy to have the kind of parents who wanted to understand and help him. You are obviously doing a wonderful job raising him whereas a lot of parents would have thrown up their hands and dismissed his sensory disorder as being very hyperactive and let it go at that.

[NancyPeske]

06:38 PM on 02/16/2011

Wow, thank you.

I am inspired by all the moms, and dads, who set aside their fear to look more closely at what's happening with their children.

[growingupglobal]

02:46 PM on 02/02/2011

Thanks for sharing this insight, Nancy. Definitely - fear serves as a motivator for many of today's disfunctions.

[NAOMA]

05:39 AM on 02/01/2011

My husband and I did not believe in hitting or slapping our child. We never did. She grew up just fine. Grades were superb. She went to Oxford.

[growingupglobal]

02:44 PM on 02/02/2011

I can't imagine when violence will ever be an effective approach to 'teaching'. On another forum a friend who teaches grade school in China told me that teachers in their public school regularly "beat" the children, and in West Africa my family saw the same - in homes and at schools. I imagine so much great potential and creativity being released when we stop reacting with physical or verbal abuse to those we love.

[AquarianLady]

05:30 AM on 02/01/2011

If only parents could find a happy medium in child rearing. The extreme's in either direction are not beneficial to children. Raising your child like a tyrant would not work in this country with today's youth. They are very aware of their constitutional rights. We are also seeing the results of raising your children with no interest whatsoever in whether they attend classes in school, when they come home or who they are with. Parents today need a different kind of wisdom.

[NancyPeske]

08:10 AM on 02/01/2011

"Happy medium"--I remember my grandmother saying children are like sugar held in the hand. If you hold too tightly, it melts, too loosely, it slips through your fingers. I agree that the extremes are the problem.

http://www.sensorysmartparent.com

[growingupglobal]

02:40 PM on 02/02/2011

Definitely. Happy medium is another way of advocating for moderation, balance and harmony. This is part of the age-old wisdom we need to be mindful of.

[Jason Ungar]

12:55 AM on 02/01/2011

I am so glad my parents (I am 39) could care less about my grades as a kid or my education. I know that sounds crazy to many of you but it made our relationship so much better. My Mom and Dad did want me to be smart, a good citizen, a friend to many, balanced and happy. They wanted me to play sports and enjoy music, film and reading. They wanted me to go to college and I did.

[w84it]

04:42 PM on 02/01/2011

Same here, Jason. I applaud your parents. Anyone can have a "career". Not many people actually get to live a life.

[growingupglobal]

02:39 PM on 02/02/2011

I agree. We need to instill living in our children and each other. The tough part today, however, is that with a changing economy and scarce jobs, we need practical skills and "excellence" in something (including a trade, which is a terrific route to go these days). Parents need to decide if their kids only will strive if "forced" or coerced, or if they'll find this on their own.