Nothing takes the wind out of someone's sails like getting a divorce. Even if your disposition prior to your split was happy-go-lucky -- even optimistic -- and you "wanted" the divorce, you may be surprised at how low and depressed you've been feeling.
Take heart, this is a common occurrence for the majority of divorced folks.
Yesterday I had a conversation with a newly single dad. He's been officially divorced for about eighteen months and said he is just now feeling better. My own divorce left me in a puddle on the floor for much longer than I would have liked, and I was among the "happily divorcing" set. I thought for sure I would effortlessly get divorced and on with my life -- ready, willing and able to continue to be successful and even find a new relationship.
Not so fast! It takes thought and effort to get your mojo back, so here are my top 3 strategies for feeling better faster after divorce:
1. Give yourself a minute to heal and establish a new normal. You're used to being in a relationship, waking up next to someone, having someone to hang out with on weekends and holidays. The end of a relationship requires healing, and healing is not instantaneous (darn it!). Find yourself a confidant and a great therapist, and engage fully in your healing process. Now is the time to discover and rediscover what you want to do, who you want in your life, and exactly how you want to spend your time.
2. Begin to do new things. Chances are you've eaten at the same restaurant more than a hundred times, gone to yoga three times a week, and spent long holiday weekends in Cabo. Dust off your inner third-grader and learn how to speak a new language, visit a new country, or learn how to line dance. The truth is, emotion is created by motion and the only emotions you're going to conjure sitting on your couch are those that require Kleenex. Grab your best friend (or find a new one) and try Pilates or spin, schedule a cruise or tour to Tuscany, or go back to school. Get yourself out in the world, doing things you find enjoyable, and soon you will feel better.
3. Stop telling your old story; design a new future vision and talk about that! It's tempting to tell and retell your end-of-relationship story. But let me ask you this: Does it make you feel better to tell that story? I'm going to guess the answer is no. In order to feel better, you've got to get excited about something, and that something is your future -- the future you get to decide in advance and get busy creating. Block out a few hours, pencil in hand (or crack open your computer), and describe how you would like your life to be right now and even five years from now. You can't focus on what happened and what you want to happen at the same time.
Remember this: Your best days are ahead of you, and the most magical of moments are yours for the making and the taking.
Honorée is the author of the books "Tall Order!" and "Master Strategies for Explosive Business Growth." She has created The Successful Single Mom 100-Day Transformation Program, The STMA™ 100-Day Action Plan Coaching Program, as well as The Tall Order! Success System and The Referral-Only Business System self-study courses.
1. Get involved in some "rebound" relationship to ease the hurt. I'm pessimistic when it comes to people. Depending upon your age, you might meet your "soul mate" that is really user that wants \a place to camp out and be taken care of.
2. Don't "reinvent" yourself to find happiness. One might look at life differently and realize that fretting and worry doesn't improve a person's life. Take the opportunity to be of service to others. Volunteer work is good for the soul. Helping elderly people shop or teaching kids to read or do math would be very helpful
3. Don't look back. Using Lot's wife as an analogy, she was turned into a pillar of salt because she longed for the "good old days". There is no such thing as the "good old days" but there is always progress. If one is truly honest, the fact that one is divorced should remind him or she that the "good old days" were more about strife, struggle, cussin and fussin.
So it impacts their financial future, particularly social security.
Women many times take low pay jobs to have time to care for the household, or they have no jobs at all. I've seen ex wives of docs working at wal-mart.
Plus it's very difficult to have romantic relationships when older, because there are so many more women than men.
Then there are health issues for many.
Note: I'm not divorced.
1/4 to 1/3 of all dads are deadbeats, that's over a million. I think women have more to complain about. And you wonder why some of these deadbeat dads aren't great with visitation?
11% of children whose custody is given to dads accused of abuse, tried to commit suicide. Guess maybe the accusations weren't false?
but don't waste any more of your life on this person. you may feel like an empty shell, but you're not the empty one, just in pain. your pain will pass, but most likely, a narcissist will spend the rest of his life trying - and failing - to fill unfillable needs.
don't be afraid to seek help if you need it. best wishes...
now when i see headlines like, "3 steps to.... (fill in the blank)," i'll still read the article with the realization it won't offer anything earthshaking, maybe just well-intentioned, generic good wishes.
the comments are where the reality comes in. they're a stark reminder of the pain of divorce. sometimes it's sad, sometimes faintly hopeful, that so many people here are reaching out and sharing their stories. if it's a temporary relief, well, sometimes that's the best you can do and there's nothing wrong with that. find your peace where you can.
i remember thinking once that 2 years to recover was the goal, then 3 years... then realized that those kinds of ersatz milestones don't mean a thing. it's a cliche, but still the truth that you can only live one day at a time - and sometimes a single well-lived day is a monumental achievement.
All I can think of is that I will probably be an old dad because I cannot imagine finding and marrying someone any time soon. What to do now??? I find comments on here a lot more helpful than the articles themselves...
I wish you peace and happiness.
In a week from tomorrow my house is going up for rent, my kayaks, fishing poles, and home office will be loaded in my car, and I'll set off an a 1500 mile journey back home. I bought 5 levels of a Rosetta Stone program, and I'm spending the summer learning Spanish, fishing and kayaking with my Dad.
I think a broken heart makes it very hard to see past the tears in your eyes. I'm on the fake till I make it plan. These articles are well meaning but I suspect that you're only going to see the post divorce life for what it is down the road somewhere, after your vision isn't watery and blurry.
And these articles are helpful, because they're hopeful. I hope my comment didn't sound like I don't enjoy reading them. There's usually something in each of them that is a good idea.
http://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com