07/15/2014 11:49 am ET Updated Sep 14, 2014

Want Love After Divorce? The First Step Is to Forgive

You can't fit new love into a heart that's already full of love... or something else, any more than you can fit a new wardrobe into an already over-flowing closet.

To the extent you want to welcome new love into your heart and life, you must consider letting go of all of the anger, hatred and homicidal thoughts you have for your ex.

My daughter is really upset with someone right now, and I was explaining to her today that forgiveness is an inside act. The other person doesn't even have to know you've forgiven them. You don't have to invite them over for Thanksgiving dinner, or spend hours on the phone with them, or even be more than cordial to them when you see them.

But keep this in mind, holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting another person to die.

And all the while you're pissed off at your ex, you are literally vibrating at a speed that's less than attractive to someone you just might really want to have in your life.

Any new love interest is going to run from the person who is someone else's bitter ex. They don't want to hear how you've been done wrong. Or how they were a jerk and you were {are?} a victim.

Nope, nope, nope.

Your prospective partner is interested to know how you'll treat them if someday they become your ex!

A new love interest is going to be most intrigued by the person who can cordially communicate with their ex. If that same person (you) can speak with respect to and about that man or woman, imagine how attractive they will be! They become the ultimate in potential mates because they're clearly past that previous relationship and ready for someone new.

Is that person you? Are you ready?


Honorée Corder is the author of If Divorce is a Game, These are the Rules.

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