....And Thanks for a Lovely War

Listening to talk radio after the President’s speech on Iraq, it seems that Americans generally think that Republicans believe the Iraq war is good, and that Democrats believe it is bad. But there are some Republicans who believe it might be turning bad, and some Democrats who believe that it can be made good, which is presumably why George Bush felt it necessary to lecture America on Tuesday night, interrupting our busy TV schedules, on why it is most decidedly good.

Senator John Kerry, in a New York Times op-ed piece on Tuesday, outlined what he thought would make the bad war good. Donnez moi un break, Senator, but your piece said more about why you lost the election, Ohio notwithstanding, than what should be done about Iraq. Kerry had little to say that hasn’t been said already, and his strategy for turning bad into good, if anyone really understands it, means nothing without the U.N., willing partner nations, and all the Iraqis in full sync; none of whom seem to be anywhere near that at this stage.

President Bush’s speech itself, delivered on a night the Taliban claimed they shot down an American helicopter in Afghanistan (the Taliban? Didn’t we win that war?), and one that will be applauded or pilloried ad nauseam by left and right, also gave the American public nothing new. It was well-crafted though, and sure to play well with those who don’t believe America should ever lose a war, and Guns and Ammo subscribers. And of course, with those who still believe that Iraq somehow has some connection to terrorism on American soil, and that the Brooklyn Bridge is for sale, cheap.

So here’s a thought, Democrats. Explain to Republicans that you like a good war just as much as they do, but that this war is simply not good but more importantly can’t be made good. Not by any definition of the word good. It wasn’t good under international law, it wasn’t good when we bombed the shit out of Iraqi civilians, it wasn’t good when we started treating Iraqi prisoners as a sadist might treat a stray dog, and it isn’t good that we can’t find a way to stop some Iraqis from blowing us and their fellow Iraqis up at every opportunity. And that’s with the most powerful, well-equipped military (and best supported, judging by the amount of metallic ribbons affixed to American cars these days) that the world has ever seen. But above all, it isn’t good that we seem to have no way out of it. Is it two years or is twelve? President Bush is right in saying that “ an artificial timetable for withdrawal” would be a huge mistake. So how about a genuine, organic timetable then? How about now? Maasalaama, goodbye, khoda-hafez, adios, and thanks for the memories. Mission truly accomplished. George Bush’s next speech on Iraq could then be directed not just to Americans but also to Grand Ayatollah Ali Sistani, the undisputed and revered leader of Iraq’s Shiites, and therefore Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari’s boss: “....and to Ayatollah Sistani I say: we came, we conquered and we’re going now. Sorry we never met, but if you would only meet with Americans we could say goodbye in person, with a kiss and a hug and a holding of hands. But as it is, this will have to do: Khoda-hafez, in the language of your people, the Iranians. Maybe they will protect Iraq now. Godspeed, and have a nice day!”