Letter to Muslim Voters

Open letter from the Bush administration to the people of the Middle East:

Greetings, and Bism'illah-o-Rahman-o-Rahim! As you, citizens of the Near and Middle East know, the United States is engaged in an aggressive policy of bringing democracy to your region. No longer will we idly sit by and allow dictators and tyrants to rule over you with an iron fist; no longer will we support undemocratic regimes in your countries merely because it serves our interests to have compliant governments who will not only take orders from us but will buy our goods, military equipment, and most importantly, our cultural exports. No longer will we tolerate governments who imprison and torture you simply for your beliefs (although we must reserve the right to employ your torturers when the CIA deems necessary in the Global War on Terror). We will not coddle regimes engaged in cronyism and corruption, and we will encourage every government to adhere to the basic tenets of democracy.

We believe in freedom; our President says so in every public forum, as we're sure you've seen on Al Jazeera (unless they've been editing his comments: we promise to double-check with someone who speaks Arabic). With freedom comes great responsibility, and the biggest responsibility, which you may not be aware of, is for you to vote for parties and candidates that we like and approve of. Because if we like them, they must be by definition democratic. Understand that, please, and trust us.

Your purple fingers are a testament to your desire for freedom; quite a few of our own freedom-loving folks have watched you vote on television, tears forming in their eyes. But a purple finger isn't enough; you must exercise good judgment when it comes to casting a ballot. In the most recent case of your abuse of your freedoms, you voted for a Palestinian parliament controlled by Hamas. Now, you knew we didn't and don't like Hamas. You knew we don't like Islamist parties (were you not paying attention to Egypt? Do you not know we don't speak to the Muslim Brotherhood?). You knew we don't like anyone who believes in armed struggle with Israel. So why did you do it? Your impudence has caused much distress in America, you see. You really must trust our judgment in these things, for we really do know more about your needs than you do. (And remember, you can always know who to vote for by checking one of the U.S.-sponsored television or radio stations.)

Of course, there was a time when we would use our CIA to covertly influence elections or to even assassinate leaders we didn't like. Those days are long gone. We are an open, freedom-loving society, and we openly tell you now that we cannot allow Hamas to succeed (note to Iraqis: we're still thinking about Ibrahim al-Jaafari).

One final note to citizens of the Muslim world: think twice about who you vote for. We're bringing you democracy, sometimes at great cost to ourselves, but as easily as we can bring it, we can take it away.

A-Salaam-u-Aleikum,
Your friends in the United States Government