I can't believe I am really writing this: I actually agree with Donald Trump! Well, at least with two of his recent comments. First, as a native New Yorker, I applaud his defense, in the last debate (in which he participated), of New Yorkers from the politically motivated attack by Ted Cruz. More importantly, I agree with his making Hillary Clinton's marriage an issue in the campaign. Not, however for the political reasons underlying his attacks, but for a reason that I do not hear any one else talking about, which is, the fact that Hillary and Bill are still married despite all their challenges, conveying the message that marriage matters!!
Mr. Trump (and others) want to make an issue of Hillary and Bill's marriage due to Bill's marital indiscretions and her reactions to them. I want to make an issue of what matters: That they stayed together!
Did the Clintons do marital counseling? Did they follow a research-based program that helps couples recover from infidelity? Did they read my book, Fighting FOR Your Marriage and follow its suggestions? Did they take a marriage education workshop widely available across the country? I do not know.
Do they now have a great marriage, filled with fun, friendship, romance, sensuality, support, teamwork, excellent communication and conflict management skills, and renewed commitment? I do not know!!
What I do know is that they have fought for their marriage and seem to have clearly benefited. At present, he clearly supports her career goals, they are proud grandparents, they seem to be enjoying life, earning a good living, and making a difference in the world. Perhaps most importantly, their child, their daughter, is doing very well in her life.
One message for all couples, especially those with children, that the Clinton's story has to offer, is that before deciding to divorce, make every effort to save your marriage -- if not for yourself, for the sake of your children. Now I am not talking about situations where there is ongoing domestic violence and other situations where safety is a concern -- in these situations, the most important consideration is safety and many of these relationships and marriages should not continue.
But, one of the major benefits of marital stability is that children growing up with two parents - do better in life. For example at about the same time Donald decided to make Bill an issue, an unusual group of talented scholars and policy makers released a report on how to deal with poverty in America. Sponsored by the American Enterprise Institute and the Brookings Institution, this group was comprised of 15 scholars and policy makers from the political left and right who met for 14 months, and talked and reached consensus on a number of very important recommendations. For example the report concludes regarding families:
"Improving the family environment in which children are raised is vital to any serious effort to reduce poverty and extend opportunity. Twenty-five years of extensive research has shown that children raised in stable secure families have a better chance to flourish...children raised in single-parent families are nearly five times as likely to be poor as those raised in married-couple families" (p. 30).
Are there ways to accomplish this goal of helping couples who want to have a successful marriage achieve this goal (and the vast majority of people have this dream)? Indeed there are. There is a federal program funded as part of welfare reform in 1996 (one of the major achievements of the Clinton Administration in my opinion) that recognizes that one way to help children escape or avoid poverty is to increase their chances of being raised by two parents, by increasing the probability that couples who want to have a happy, healthy marriage (and most of us do) are able to do so. How? By offering free of charge, research-based relationship education and fatherhood programs that are available now in many communities. There are also state Initiatives that have provided immense help to families in poverty the most important one being the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative/Project Relate. Continued funding for such projects in times of tight budgets is a significant priority. In addition, there are research-based approaches to couples relationship education and couples therapy that have been shown to help couples improve their relationship, and even approaches to help couples recover from infidelity, under certain conditions. If you are going to consider couples therapy, it is important to find a marriage-friendly therapist. Finally, there are research-based programs available on the Internet to help couples and relationship coaching services over the phone.
The AEI/Brookings report strongly recommends a concerted public effort by political leaders, educators and civic leaders to "...emphasize the value of committed co-parenting and marriage" (p.33). One unintended positive effect of Mr. Trump calling attention to Hillary's marriage has been to raise the issue of the importance of marriage in the political arena. I hope that Mr. Trump and the other candidates, from the left and the right, focus directly on the issue of poverty, children, families and marriage in America. And, that there are future discussions of how to help families -- especially those trying to escape poverty -- gain the resources to do so.