Oprah Winfrey dared speak the truth of her sexual abuse many years ago, giving millions of women permission to acknowledge their abuse. Today (Nov. 5) and next Friday (Nov. 12), Oprah has chosen to join forces with Tyler Perry to open doors for another huge group who need understanding and healing for the sexual abuse they've suffered: men. I honor the bravery and genius of Oprah and Tyler, who both dared to dream that they could help men heal by creating a safe enough place to tell their stories.
The sheer numbers of male survivors are staggering; according to most researchers, one in six men has been sexually abused by age 18. The estimates go up to one in four when you add in victims of covert non-contact abuse. Our culture teaches men to keep their abuse secret for many complex reasons. They learn that they aren't supposed to be vulnerable; they learn they should be in control, so it's impossible to be a victim; they might wrongly blame themselves for leading someone on; many mistakenly fear their abuse makes them gay or less masculine.
I hope these blocks are removed when "The Oprah Winfrey Show" gathers 200 male survivors of sexual abuse for a groundbreaking discussion. I was invited the day we taped this show (the second episode airs November 12) and I can tell you that this show was not only historic; it was a miracle only made possible by incredibly strong men. I'm a psychologist who has worked with over 1,000 male survivors in my career, and this was the most powerful, inspiring day I've ever spent.
When we rode to the taping, we felt the anticipation, but also the heaviness. As the cameras rolled, we stood holding a photo of ourselves at the age at which we were first abused. It was an incredibly powerful moment. As we looked at the sea of innocent young faces, the tragedy of our molestation and abuse was blatantly evident: so many dreams shattered, so many young men's lives irrevocably changed. Then, you could literally feel the release in the room as one man after another bared his soul's darkest secrets. Men of all ages and races shared a common bond, and each felt the powerful healing that can only occur in community. Together, we entered a zone where we felt safe enough to tell the world we were abused, we are healing, and we are here to join hands with all of our other abused brothers who deserve to release their shame and heal.
If you are a man who doesn't watch "Oprah," I invite you to make an exception, especially if you're a man holding your secret or you have a son. You'll find a brotherhood and hope when you find the courage to reveal your truth. Gay partners and wives, please watch, too, and discover hope for you too. There are resources available to you, including MaleSurvivor (www.MaleSurvivor.org). Dare to dream you can heal and fully recover.
Rev. James Martin, S.J.: Mother Mary MacKillop: The Patron Saint of Abuse Victims
Listening to the twin boys who were repeated raped by priests for years left me feeling ill. Or the father who sexually molested his son from the age of five or six until he was 18. How do you get over that kind of an experience? How do you get on with life with any kind of semblance of normalcy?
There is a lot of darkness in the world, vastly more than we have ever thought. Protecting children is the first order of business, but as long as people turn a blind eye, abuse will go on and the permanent damage will never fade away.
"Because most child molesters are men, (90%), some have argued that 'homosexual' child abuse is widespread and that homosexuals abuse children at a rate higher than their proportion of the general population, which is somewhere around 3 to 8 percent of the population. Such claims are based on the false belief that men who sexually abuse boys are homosexual. In fact, the overwhelming majority of men who sexually abuse children live their lives as heterosexual men..."
A 1994 Pediatrics article titled "Are Children at Risk for Sexual Abuse by Homosexuals?" found that: "In 82% of cases, the alleged offender was a heterosexual partner of a close relative of the child. Using the data from our study, the 95% confidence limits, of the risk children would identify recognizably homosexual adults as the potential abuser, are from 0% to 3.1%..."
The study showed that a child's risk of being molested by a relative's heterosexual partner is 100 times greater than by someone who might be identified as a homosexual.
Let's not make assumptions and protect children from actual perpetrators, not myths.
@KeepNitReal I understand your sentiment about Tyler perry being the one to share the story. I have been having these discussions since "the movie" has come out. However,I am encouraged that the forum is being created for open dialogue about the pain that men are holding on to.
Pain, whether a woman or a man needs healing. Let's us ALLOW the process to take place. Focus on the message and we can work around the messenger.
feelings many men have about those who molested them,
particularly if it was an adult male whom they admired.
Or if it was their mother or another female in authority over them.
I agree that public disclosure truly threatens many men, and
that they will either respond aggressively, shut down, or
transfer to one of the alternate personalities they have developed.
Have a read:
http://www.alternet.org/media/145084/10_good_reasons_you_should_hate_oprah_winfrey
Seriously. Disregard what you might think the tone of the article would be based on the URL, and actually go read it. Then come back and re-read this.
Read this for starters.
http://learningtogive.org/papers/paper135.html
I followed the link, but found no dollar amounts. But I checked her website, and see things like "Portia de Rossi: The Secret that Nearly Killed Her", "Lisa Marie Presley Opens Up About Ex-Husband Michael Jackson", and "Ricky Martin Opens Up About Coming Out". Maybe some people think that these stories do good for everyday people struggling with the same issues? I guess we should be applauding The Inquirer and Star for their altruistic work as well. I have a hard time delineating a shocking story about Presley from 200 men sharing their shocking stories. Let us not forget that she parsed these same topics 20 years ago, except for then it was in the Jerry Springer format. Train wrecks are train wrecks.
I think its great for the charities and causes that she does donate to, but it feels to me that this is a tool (or repayment to?) to then justify and whitewash the fact that she exploits these stories for ratings.
From someone who has lived through the content matter in question, I can tell you that I took nothing from this episode but a sense of insult. And if she really wants to help, she should focus on changing society's perception of victims.
What she did made me believe finally that it wasn't my fault and that I had to find someone to talk to about it.
I think it's great that these men have finally come forward and maybe some can now really start to heal.
As to Khaqq - maybe he/she was abused and is still in denial.
Just in the same vein that you think "haters" do not give her a fair shake, I see from where I stand "lovers" who are completely rigidly opposed to viewing any objective or alternate perspective of her. I think that, like all information presented to us in our lives, we should weigh and evaluate all sides and contexts that we are able to. I see too many people here who it seems have never questioned anything about her topics, or her motivation. Historically, allegiance that is unwavering and unchecked, without any questioning or even the smallest bit of cynicism to counter-balance one's initial perception, has consistently proven to be a dangerous thing.
And to you, Lady Aurora- despite your postulating of why I react against the can-do-no-wrong aura with which Oprah is treated, I am 1.not at all in denial, 2. do not hate the person that perpetrated these things against me, and, 3. having worked through this with the help of a psychologist and a lot of hard work on my own part. I cringe to see Oprah talking to me about something she cannot ever experience. I don't presume to talk to you about womanly matters that I could never experience.
i never faced any abuse myself. I pray all the survivors of abuse find peace.
Don't forget that in many countries, the Catholic Church is still strong enough to silence the victims, prevent the police from acting and persuade the outraged community that everything will be fine once the molester is removed from the community.