Arianna On Why She's 'Completely Against' The Tiger Mom Approach To Parenting (VIDEO)

On Thursday's episode of MSNBC's "Morning Joe," Arianna offered her opinion on the "tiger mom" controversy and whether she thinks taking a tough, hard-lined approach to parenting is the best way to raise children.

"I'm completely against it," Arianna, the mother of two teenage daughters, said. "The most important thing a mom can give her children is that sense of being loved no matter whether you succeed or fail."

Arianna continued by saying she believes the world is hard enough on people, and the best gift a parent can give their children is unconditional love. "The world is constantly going to be judging them," she said. "The idea that suddenly discipline and incredible expectations is the way to go as a parent is completely the wrong direction."

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Comments

[eva belle]

09:00 AM on 01/25/2011

I will take tiger mum anyday, thank you very much. This fluffy way of parenting where kids are not expected of anything is just not going to cut it. They should cut their teeth in understanding toughness at home.

[eva belle]

08:52 AM on 01/25/2011

Come on Ari, it's not what tiger mum is all about. Why do you refer to discipline and expectations as this sudden occurence for these mums? It's something they start with right from the beginning, something that they themselves grew up with, not out of the blue as you are implying. True, the world is tough, but it's better that kids are toughened at home first before being sent out otherwise they are so unprepared for it.

[powder chowder]

05:50 PM on 01/24/2011

"the best gift a parent can give their children is unconditional love"

Spot on Arianna.

[eva belle]

08:53 AM on 01/25/2011

True, but what is the definition of unconditional love? It is very subjective.

[kelly1956]

11:46 PM on 01/23/2011

Really, does anybody have the answers to how to raise children correctly? It was only after becoming a mother that I understood how little I truly know. I am blessed to have a lovely daughter who has evolved into a woman making good choices (for the most part :-)). But this doesn't mean my way was the right way.

[Tulka2]

11:01 PM on 01/23/2011

I have a Chinese American friend whose only sibling, a brother, committed suicide at 18-yrs.  My adult friend is always trying to get close to her successful, professional mother and her mother is always telling my friend what a big disappointment she is as a daughter.   Terrible.  The damage is terrible.

[elcastle]

12:29 AM on 01/23/2011

I do appreciate Amy Chua for hitting the nerve - according to reactions of everybody. She stirred the bee's nest by her book, and that means, there are things which changed in last decades in USA. Kids are brought up differently than generations before and maybe not all is change for good. Striving for excellence disappeared and mediocrity is celebrated. There are issues we should as parent deal with and not blamed schools all the time. Child character is formed by age of 5, so school has little to do with character and child potential. That's all in parents disposal to influence. School should just build on it. And that's missing. We expect schools to do all for our kids. And we shy from responsibility...it is easier that way.

[Xiangwei Gong]

12:51 AM on 01/23/2011

Totally agreed! If I recall correctly, Malcom Gladwell's "Outliers" made very similar conclusions that parenting and hard work is key to any success. Schools give kids the tools and help kids acquire knowlege. Parents give kids the character and the value system that will fundamentally shape their future.

[Tulka2]

10:57 PM on 01/23/2011

Children used to be left alone with the earth and other kids.

[Xiangwei Gong]

12:29 AM on 01/23/2011

In my opinion, unconditional love and strict discipline are the two sides of a coin called successful parenting. I have experienced some 'cruel' things my parents did to me when I was growing up. I have profound memories of those life-changing events but they don't remind me of cruelty or coldness because deep in my heart I always know they loved me, unconditionally.
My strongest and warmest memories are of my loving parents to whom I feel I owe everything to this day.
It is true that some tiger moms may have struggled to show their love after they discipline, or some 'helicopter moms' may have not applied much discipline while they show love around the clock. To find the right balance is probably the key to successful parenting. And I am learning it every day.

Amy Chua's daughter Sophia shared her story: Why I love my strict Chinese mom? http://www.nuzcom.com/why-i-love-my-strict-chinese-mom

[m1jones]

08:52 PM on 01/22/2011

No one is looking at this interesting topic from a scientific point of view. Identify accomplished men and women and interview them and their parents in a controlled survey. Include people with different ethnic backgrounds, from different countries, and varying levels of success.

I suspect successful children in most fields come from successful parents who learned successful parenting (or the opposite) from their parents. Confidentiality would be essential because successful people are not going to criticize their parents publicly.

Fortunately many modern biographys deal at length with this subject and hint at worthwhile parenting techniques which are more subtle (and apparently more successful) than Dragon Mom's rather simplistic approach. Continued

[m1jones]

08:51 PM on 01/22/2011

Dragon Mother sensationalized her book to generate buzz and more book sales. She has said the WSJ did this on radio interviews.

This subject deserves documentation rather than speculation. How were giants in their fields brought up? Many biographies from Yo Yo Mah to Elizabeth Blackburn (a recent noble prize winner for the discovery of the hormone which repairs DNA strands), and from Charles Darwin to Genghis Kahn. All of their parents encouraged these children from an early age, but also brought them up to be independent. Parents encouraged their children's interests, not what the parents or the world necessarily thought was best. Darwin's father, a doctor, built endless cabinets with large shallow drawers to house Charles' collections of beetles, rocks, etc., which Charles drew and catalogued from the age of five - all while the outside world considered his son a failure at school and conventional studies.

Yo Yo's father, also a professional musician, made him learn a complete musical phrase each day to the point of where he could pay it beautifully. Not just play it - but play it with superb interpretation and understanding.

[eva belle]

09:04 AM on 01/25/2011

Tiger mum did what Yo Yo's father did when it comes to playing the music, say what?

[Daniel Koeker]

08:20 PM on 01/22/2011

I like to see a happy medium between the tiger moms and the helicopter moms (in reference to Nancy Gibbs' essay in TIME). With the tiger moms I see too much emphasis on performance in very finite areas. It's all about strict adherence to knowledge and there's more emphasis on doing well in subjects and being the best in what the parents define as acceptable. In American families I see that parents are far too protective and lenient, allowing for creativity, but at the expense of education and higher learning.

I think combining the two would be appropriate. Be firm with our kids and give them a push in the right direction. Don't coddle or protect them all their lives and don't be so easy on them, but at the same time, take the time to build that relationship with them. Be supportive, not a drill sergeant. We are human, we will fail, but it's how we take that failure and pursue success in life that matters. We can't be forbidden from failure, or the truth of failure hidden from us.

In essence, I think we're witnessing two extreme sides of something where both have their merits, but where both have more cons than pros.

[TurnToTheLeft]

07:51 PM on 01/22/2011

I was lucky too have a mom who was a role model. She loved her 4 children unconditionally and treated us as individuals. She returned to college at 27 and then went on to graduate school. All four children helped to keep the house running. This helped us develop and be ready for life. She graduated both summa cum laude. When there was no baby sitter; she took me to her study groups. I was exposed to well-educated intelligent adults who treated me like a small adult. Though busy we always sat down to dinner together when my father arrived home after a long day working on automobiles. We were all asked about our days and then discussed politics. This was before computers and all the digital media toys - so we kids rode our bikes, played and created worlds of our own. My mother always encouraged us to do the best we could. Report Cards - D's and F's were not acceptable for grades. If we got C's in anything we were encouraged to try harder and spend more time studying and less time watching TV. All four of us earned scholarships to private colleges. My feminist mom became beloved college professor who inspired many other young people on path towards education and a better life. In the early 1970's our house was alive with mother's students pushing for a Progressive future. Unfortunately, she died when I was 20. My mom was my hero, role-model and my best friend.

[Karen BruceHolmes]

07:16 PM on 01/22/2011

Arianna is right, children should have one person in this world that is their tireless cheerleader no matter how they perform. Ideally that person should be one of both their parents. For me my son is the best. He does not have to earn or merit my love, and my expectation is only that he does that which will bring him happiness and shows ethics and values he was raised with. He is first for me, everyone else leaves a large trail behind him.

I cannot understand being harsh with ones kids. There is no excuse as far as I am concerned

[eva belle]

09:10 AM on 01/25/2011

Being harsh with your kids is not something she did exclusively, why are people misrepresenting? If it was so bad, why are her own offspring planning on doing the same with theirs?

[Karen BruceHolmes]

09:28 AM on 01/25/2011

Because they do not know any different than what they were raised. Both from an anthropological point of view, and from a psychological point of view, people tend to pass on the culture they were raised with...

Think about it this way, people in Africa and the Near East perform female genital mutilation for generation after generation.. mother does it to daughter, daughter to her daughter... etc etc etc.. can you really say that because people do something generationally, it must be good? That is illogical

[Parsifals]

07:13 PM on 01/22/2011

Many may be commenting on the Tiger Man book/memoir because of Amy Chua's article in the WSJ. I read it earlier today and then followed up with Ayelet Waldman response. The NYT Book review podcast had remarked on both in their Book Review section.

There are so many ways to parent, and no one approach is perfect. It seems as if Ms. Chua is extremely restrictive; Ms. Waldman moderately permissive.

And while both have its positive side, I'd go with Ms. Waldman's approach as I believe strongly is self actualization and personal choice.

[PartyPartyParty]

06:54 PM on 01/22/2011

I thought the book was a memoir, not a child-rearing manual.

[pthompson13]

05:49 PM on 01/22/2011

My mum raised 4 fantastic, outgoing, talented and successful children. She ALLOWED us to watch mindless television but EXPECTED us to do our homework. She ALLOWED us to hang out at the arcade and play games with our friends but EXPECTED us to show up for basketball/gymnastics/band/etc. She allowed us to be playful and goofy but expected us to be good human beings. And most importantly, she was inspiring, loving, forgiving and caring and that made us all become great parents who have 9 wonderful children between us and all of them seem to be on a the road to being the same kind of human beings as their parents. The biggest take away I got from my mother is there is always a balance one has to strive for in parenting and also, there is no cookie cutter approach. We were given the tools that were necessary to be diligent in our careers but also the flexibility to be creative and have fun in life. And the good sense to know when diligence is warranted and when fun is acceptable. And she did all that without the need to demean or criticize. In turn we have the memory of the best mom a child could wish for and the integrity to be the best human beings we could be! I wish she would have wrote a book...

[autumnfire1957]

07:41 PM on 01/22/2011

YES. Can you say common love and care and not trying to live another life through your .child

[elcastle]

12:42 AM on 01/23/2011

But if they have to choose, would they really, on their own, choose rigorous piano playing, or game playing, or TV watching... and we would maybe loose next Liszt?? Is it not that kids are distracted much more than before age of computers, I phones , Facebooks, not even mentioning TV. Are there willing to sacrifice time to become next Nobel prize winner?? Is it not parents job to curb some activities and encourage others, even when in that moment child is not interested??? How should 7 and older kids know about how success comes,and it never comes easy, and never without sacrifice. My child had to make sacrifices, and she is thankful that we made her do them. She sees how much she gained, how much easier is her life now thanks to teaching her to work hard and patiently towards her goals.

[eva belle]

09:12 AM on 01/25/2011

Spot on! Thanks.