Today's the day to keep one eye over your shoulder, or so the old saying goes. Since our backs are usually nestled in between couch cushions in front of the TV, we actually feel pretty safe. But we know a few people out there in TV Land who definitely deserve to be taken down a notch or two, and we have just the recipe for each one. Julius Caesar may not have heeded the soothsayer's warning, but if these characters want to see another season, they'll heed ours.
Juan Pablo from The Bachelor
Why He Needs His Comeuppance: The problem with Juan Pablo, the latest in a long line of bachelors who should be seen and never heard, is that he's already in love... with Juan Pablo. For the past eight weeks we've seen him prance around various tropical locations with a gaggle of females all vying for his love and affection when, in reality, none of them stood a chance. He could care less about who they are, outside of being sounding boards for his own boring life stories. Oh sure, the ladies wept and moaned about how they're ready for a family and Juan Pablo man they want to have one with, to which he replied banally "heey, ees okay." This confused them, but for whatever reason also gave them hope for their future together. Until, of course, that final rose ceremony where Juan Pablo where Juan Pablo proposed to no one (we knew it!).
How It Should Happen: The whole thing will be orchestrated by Chris Harrison who, for the past five years, has been plotting to take down the show that has ruined him (he probably aspired to be a documentarian). He'll confuse Juan Pablo by incorrectly announcing the number of roses left on the tray. While Juan Pablo is distracted with that complex math problem, the ladies will quietly line up behind him, hiking up their formal wear so they can properly knee him in the groin. But alas, Juan Pablo will probably take these jabs to his manhood as compliments and zero lessons will be learned.
-- Raef Harrison
Thomas Barrow from Downton Abbey
Why He Deserves His Comeuppance: Back in the Downton Abby golden age, our loathing could be spread betwixt the terrible twosome of O'Brien and Barrow. But that sour-faced, payot-sporting she-devil, O'Brien, has disappeared into the night, leaving us with the underhanded underbutler (and proto Hugo Boss model) Barrow. Surely, no one is sad to see O'Brien leave. If anyone deserved a little karmic retribution, it was she (and her ill-placed bar of soap). But Barrow has also been the resident D-Bag of Downton for a while: kicking the cane out from under Bates, kidnapping and losing the family dog, blackmailing a lover, and purposely getting shot to avoid military service. In the most recent season, Barrow slinks through corridors, twists his figurative mustache, and uses a desperate lady's maid to spy on the household -- all the while with a satisfied smirk plastered across his handsome face. Who does this guy think he is?!
How It Should Happen: Every season we get a little satisfaction as life slaps Barrow around a bit on its own: getting caught with Carson's wallet, investing all of his money in counterfeit groceries, and getting beaten to a (remarkably hunky) pulp by some street thugs. Just when we think Barrow has learned a life lesson of Ebenezer Scrooge-ian proportion, however, he goes and digs his jerk hole a little deeper. Maybe it's about time someone gives him a taste of his own devious medicine. Might we suggest the assistant cook, Daisy? She's put up with a lot from Barrow over the years, and now that she's developed a little chutzpah, it's time to make him pay. With such a sweet and unsuspecting demeanor, Daisy would be the ideal foil. So maybe she could sneak a little ol' time castor oil into his tea. It's mighty difficult to plot evil when you're stuck in the privy.
-- Courtney Hyde
Councilman Jeremy Jamm from Parks & Recreation
Why He Needs His Comeuppance: Pawnee's crooked councilman, Jeremy Jamm, has been a burr in the Parks Department's saddle for two seasons: dropping deuces in Leslie's office, making racist comments, drunkenly crashing a wedding with a megaphone and stink bombs, and forcing Leslie to miss Ben's '90s-themed roller skating birthday party. This twisted devil in a sateen Starter Jacket makes Vladimir Putin seem like a teddy bear.
How It Should Happen: Ron Swanson is right: "He looks like he could use a swift punch in the face." But how to out-Jamm the Jamm? The good people of the Parks Department should hit Jamm where it hurts: his business, Jamm Orthodontia. Leslie et al should team up with Sweetums to design gummy bear flavored toothpaste and licorice floss. It seems only fair after Jamm attempted to infuse the drinking water with sugar. Jeremy Jamm, DDS goes out of business and the people of Pawnee retain some of their teeth. Justice is served.
-- Courtney Hyde
Joffrey from Game of Thrones
Why He Deserves His Comeuppance: Joffrey is the WORST! He has completely destroyed the family Stark -- first, by provoking Arya's awesome direwolf to attack him and causing her execution; beheading Ned Stark and igniting a war; physically, mentally, and verbally abusing Sansa; and basically being a snotty, whiney little tool bag. We love to hate him, but we'd love to watch him be put to justice even more!
How It Should Happen: Sansa, with the rage from the murder of her family boiling up inside of her, will take matters into her own hands. She will find Ice, her father's great sword forged of Valyrian steel, and will behead Joffrey when he calls upon her to do something totally heinous. Whose head is on a spike now, Joffery!
-- Nadia Vazquez
Professor Duncan from Community
Why He Deserves His Comeuppance: Prof. Ian Duncan has a lot coming to him. His social experiments alone have his karma wheel spinning out of control. Example? The Duncan Principle, which states that the longer a person is made to wait in a waiting room, the more dramatic a person's subsequent breakdown will be. He's tested this theory by gathering volunteers in a room under the pretense of participating in a lab experiment and keeping them waiting indefinitely so as to observe their emotional breakdowns. What else? He once tried to order a chalupa from an emergency call box while driving drunk. And then, of course, there was his ill-fated drunken rap from the end of Season 1.
How It Should Happen: After Duncan's recent act of chivalry with Britta, letting her cry on his shoulder (and nothing else) during one of her regularly scheduled identity crises, it may be hard to wish the guy any ill. Plus, he has already fallen victim to the infamous Glendale Ass Bandit. But, lets not forget his attempt at turning Abed's mental breakdown into a best-selling book. So, to that we say, death by accidental air strike.
-- Katherine Rea
Rachel Berry from Glee
Why She Deserves Her Comeuppance: Rachel is undeniably talented: she out-sung her high school glee club, was admitted to one of the country's top performing arts colleges, snagged a coveted NYADA solo as a freshman, and won the leading role of Fanny Brice in her very first Broadway audition. But, unfortunately for those of us in the audience, a ridiculously charmed career has done her no favors in the personality department. No longer the underdog, this burgeoning diva has come to expect stardom as her due, and she can't handle anyone else even touching her spotlight. Santana as her understudy? Unacceptable! Share her dressing room? Blasphemy! She's living a Rachel-centered existence, where all the world's a stage but she's the only player on it.
How It Should Happen: It's about time that Rachel experienced the pay-your-dues oppression, the ramen-is-too-expensive poverty, and the soul-blackening rejection that is the true lot of the struggling Broadway actor. And what better Brutus to take her down a peg than her dear, sweet best friend Kurt Hummel? Perhaps Kurt could work with Santana to psych her out on stage. Perhaps he could call up his old friends at Vogue.com to plague Rachel with negative fashion reviews. Or maybe he could pull the ultimate betrayal: convince the Funny Girl director to put a fresh spin on the show and cast him in the lead instead, as a reinvented Freddie Brice. Because losing a role to Kurt? For Rachel, that's a fate worse than Caesar's.
-- Kristin Knox
Sophie Kachinsky from 2 Broke Girls
Why She Deserves Her Comeuppance: It seems no matter what she says or does, Sophie Kachinsky's actions have no repercussions on her whatsoever. Whether it's hostilely taking possession of an occupied diner booth, demanding free cupcakes whenever she pleases, flaunting her wealth in front of our monetarily humble heroines, or using and abusing love-struck Oleg at will, it's Sophie's world and we're all just living in it. And this Sophie's choice? Whether to insult you or to insult you and Han. (Poor Han.) Yet, no one dares to call her out on that sketchy Polish accent. Nope, she has us all happily wrapped around her perfectly manicured finger. I mean, who could argue with that sexy squint/power pout combo?
How It Should Happen: So what's the best way to dethrone this queen bee? Take it all away -- her cleaning business, her wealth, her hair, her shoes, her lip-gloss. Perhaps she ends up owing exorbitant back taxes, sending her straight to the worst little poor house in Brooklyn via Bed-Stuy. Of course, we'll enjoy all of her woes and foes on a spin-off series, 1 Broke Lady. (More Jennifer Coolidge on TV? Yes, please!)
-- Richard Ogawa
Frank Underwood from House of Cards
Why He Deserves His Comeuppance: Spoiler alert: Frank Underwood is not a nice man. It's clear by now that when this sweet-talking Southern gentleman appeals to the hearts of his constituents, he's really just looking for the best way to stab them in it. Did he stop when he wasn't made secretary of state? Nope. Will he stop now that he's been sworn in as president? Methinks not. Can we expect a few more lives to be ruined (or lost) at the hands of this crook as he claws his way to the top? Yes, and it won't be pretty.
How It Should Happen: The Machiavellian rise to power, the ambitious wife pulling strings from the wings, the general feel of impending doom -- this just screams Shakespearean tragedy. So to bump off old Frank, we'll take a page from that book. On the night after his presidential inauguration, Frank spends a sleepless night terrorized by the ghosts of Peter Russo and Zoe Barnes. Meanwhile, our shining knights Janine Skorsky and Lucas Goodwin finally have the proof to crush Underwood, and they're ready to go public. Janine leaks the news about Frank's corruption with the help of her source, Rachel Posner, Peter's former call girl. "Source?" cries Frank, exposed. "What source? My kingdom for a source?" But it's too late. Frank is dragged to the guillotine for a good old-fashioned beheading. Or maybe he falls on his own letter opener. Or maybe he just flees town and assumes a new identity as the president of a local school board.
-- Rudy Martinez
Michelle Tanner from Full House
Why She Deserves Her Comeuppance: Listen, Michelle Tanner is a little girl. So what can she really do wrong? On the surface, she loves her friends and family, learns her lessons graciously, and has a ton of catch phrases that will go down in history. The thing is, she's actually a giant brat! She bratted it up all over Disneyland when she stole Stephanie's rightful crown by cutting her in line; she used those big, puppy dog eyes to manipulate the super hunky Uncle Jesse over and over; and stole Derrick's thunder during their school's production of "Yankee Doodle" all because she claimed she was a cuter Statue of Liberty. Derrick could belt the high notes, but no one cared! Michelle, Michelle, Michelle! Also, remember when DJ and Stephanie had Counting Crows tickets, and she whined and whined that she wanted to see the "Counting Cows" too and the three of them had to draw straws to see who was going to the concert?! Maybe the problem isn't her obnoxiousness disguised as innocent charm, but Danny's terrible parenting?!
How It Should Happen: In a slow-boiling rage, Stephanie will finally tire of no longer getting the full attention of her three dads like she used to (in previous seasons, when she was adorable and not an awkward teenager) and will plot to get Michelle removed from their full house by contacting Child Protective Services. In her testimony, she will cite the following incidents:
1) After Danny didn't keep a tight hold on Michelle's hand (like a normal dad) at the natural history museum, Michelle knocks over and destroys an expensive dinosaur skeleton, probably costing the museum thousands of dollars in repairs.
2) Her dad ran off to go get engaged to Vicky while he left his three underaged daughters to walk around Disneyland unsupervised, consequently causing DJ and Stephanie to lose Michelle for two episodes.
3) While Danny was having a showdown with a rich mommy at their horse riding club over who is the better parent, Michelle and her friend ran off with their horses without supervision. Michelle fell off her horse when it jumped a log and got amnesia (of course).
After hearing Stephanie's tearful recount of her terrible guardians, CPP will come running in in a shoulder-padded fervor! Michelle will be removed and forced to live in a group home where she will learn that catch phrases won't get you anywhere in life, and to be humble and gracious without being underscored by a soundtrack. She will grow up to appreciate the value of not always getting what you want.
-- Nadia Vazquez
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