Since you're probably a human being with things like responsibilities and priorities, you most likely didn't watch every reality show finale this week. You didn't know that Lauren Alaina won American Idol, that Kirstie Alley won Dancing With The Stars, or that Donald Trump's hair turned into a thousand hornets and killed everyone on set at the taping of the Celebrity Apprentice finale.
That's because all of those things are lies. (And that's too bad. At least about the Donald Trump part.)
So to clear up rumors and expedite your time-wasting, here are all of the reality show finales from this last week summed up and videoized. We no longer feel human. Join us!
The circumstances: Country singer John Rich and Oscar-winning actress (and National Association for the Deaf activist) Marlee Matlin duke it out to... do whatever being the Celebrity Apprentice for Donald Trump entails. Get him ties that look like puppydog ears? Buy him a non-alcoholic mojito from an Orange Julius?
What happened: Trump dealt with this eloquently and clearly stated his decision to an awaiting American public. Haha, no, just kidding. He said something really confusing and everyone left bewildered and unsatisfied.
What should have happened: Well, for one, he probably should have picked the one upstanding citizen to ever appear on his show. I'm sure John Rich is nice and all, but Trump had a choice between a woman who dedicated her life to charity and the guy who wrote "Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy," and he picked the latter.
Then Trump should've announced that he was just kidding and he is, in fact, "running for Mayor of Americaland in 2013, God Bless Americaland, goodnight, Barack Obama was born in East Korea, save a horse ride a cowboy, goodnight, goodnight."
That would've been satisfying.
The circumstances: Hannah Curlee and Olivia Ward weigh 248 and 261 pounds respectively to start the competition by having Jillian Michaels make fun of their mothers while they're doing crunches at the gym.
What happened: Olivia weighed in at 132 pounds, losing just under half of her body weight. That ain't a joke. Not much to make fun of here. That's pretty impressive.
What should have happened: Know what else is impressive? How many speakers she put out nationwide with her game-winning scream. If that's what it's like to not even smell cake for six months, the biggest loser of all is her olfactory system. And her voice is letting us know that.
Just let her dive into an Olympic-sized swimming pool full of Cool Whip next time. Make all that Jillian Michaelsness worth it for the poor woman.
Dancing with the Stars
The circumstances: Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward (best dancer in the contest), Disney actress Chelsea Kane (second best dancer in the contest), and Kirstie Alley (lost, like, 40 pounds by writhing around on a dance floor for weeks; some people continually got it confused with dancing and voted for her accordingly) strutted around the DWTS stage and waited for votes to pour in.
What happened: Hines Ward ran an out-route all the way to the endzone of justice.
What should have happened: The loser should've been forced to samba very sadly to "Everybody Hurts" while crying heavily into a microphone.
That's how we deal with loss in my family, anyway.
The circumstances: Genuine 17-year-old American sweetheart Lauren Alaina takes on possible boyfriend country singer Scotty McReery.
What happened: McReery takes it home. When they break up, is America ready for its first mass-distributed country covers of Morrissey and Dashboard Confessional songs?
What should have happened: The winner should've been forced to samba very sadly to "Everybody Hurts" while crying heavily into a microphone.
That's how we deal with emo cowboys in my family, anyway.
The circumstances: A bunch of people try to overcome violently swaying pipes with water underneath it.
What happened: The pipes win. Every time.
What should have happened: This is how we should've found out who the new Celebrity Apprentice is.