As we all know, the Grammys have become the really nice boy in class who brags about the fact he's never read a book and sometimes comes to school with his shirt on inside out.
It almost never happens, but when he gets something right, we're all very surprised and a little proud.
So is it time to start treating the Emmys like the Grammys?
Oh, don't get me wrong. There's still use for the event itself -- as a gala, a spectacle. We get to see people like Juliana Marguiles dress up in those cones dogs wear so they don't bite themselves after surgery, then Leonard Nimoy gets to show up to remind us he's alive. These are vital parts of the American experience.
But should we be taking seriously any TV awards show that gives Jim Parsons two Lifetime Best Actor trophies and Steve Carell none?
Carell made me -- a grown-ass man -- tear up this year. At work. I had a moment at my place of employment, like a very pregnant woman watching Marley & Me on an airplane.
I like Jim Parsons. His character is a pioneer for the rights of Apple Store employees everywhere. We no longer beat them up just to do it.
But Jim Parsons never made me cry. Not until last Sunday night, when he won that Emmy.
Louis C.K. deserved the Emmy, too, for his unequivocally brilliant first season on Louie. People will look back on Louie in 20 years and remember exactly what 2011 was like, how slightly tired we were all the time, how we were struggling to adapt and grow up as parents when technology was booming but the world was slightly regressing.
People will look back on The Big Bang Theory in 20 years and remember that we used to buy striped shirts from American Apparel and that used to constitute an outfit.
So we've got an unequivocal order: Louis C.K. should've won for the merits of his brilliant, groundbreaking first season or Steve Carell should've won for his tireless work at being the funniest, best, most dynamic character in a comedy show in the past 20 years, and maybe ever. There are your first and second place votes, in no particular order.
So how did this happen? Who was voting on this thing?
I have your answer, and it's dogs with pencils.
It's the only thing I can think of, and thinking of any real reasons makes me sad and angry.
So I'll just tell you this. When Arcade Fire won Album of the Year this year, it felt a little bit like America woke up in a Mercedes with the keys in it in the middle of the woods. We don't know how we got there -- and we wouldn't go to the woods unless we had, uh, something to do there -- but I was still strangely proud of our country for ending up there.
That's probably the best way to handle the Emmys from now on. I'll get deeply attached to some characters and assume the TV critics haven't. They will be all mine to have and to hold forever. And when Snooki walks past Amy Poehler to accept her award for her star turn on Mike & Molly next year, I'll think, "Man, those dogs are doing a really good job not eating those ballots."
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