Here's your dilemma: You're usually Lance Armstrong for Halloween. This is now no longer acceptable, as you refuse to part with your toy medals. You're in a bind.
Your backup idea, dressing up like the entire cast of Animal Practice, is out the window, too. This is too bad. Now you bought that monkey for nothing.
You have a couple of days. You need to be topical. You need to be quick. You need some time to sell back this monkey.
We're here to help.
10. Guy who tried to cannonball into a frozen pool
What You Need: A pool, dry ice, new tailbone, tranquilizers.
Summary: Nothin' says to your ex-girlfriend "Things are going great! Life's going super well since we broke up!" like yelling "Cannonball!" then jumping full force into a bucket of dry ice on her patio.--Ben Collins
9. Candy Corn
What You Need: A traffic cone; a bag of lard; something poisonous that makes you glow in the dark; a bowl to put yourself in that people will actively avoid for an entire month.
Summary: Hey, at least you can guarantee you won't get eaten.--Ben Collins
Summary: You will be the accidental philosopher ("Nothing: I am not taught to make any thing"), the inspirational motivator ("you'll soon be playing your own favorite songs on the piano"), the poet who didn't even know it ("a lost scent, multitudinous, never stopping, unstoppable").--Sheila Dischoso
What You Need: A backwards baseball cap, boxed White Zinfandel, a rubber tube and all the douche in the world.
Summary: Yeah, getting drunk through your rectum is a thing. But lucky for you, you can be the latest drinking fad sweeping state colleges across America. So bottoms up. Literally.--Sheila Dichoso
6. The Californians
What You Need: Blond hair or wig, sunglasses, cartoonish surfer accent, good sense of direction.
Summary: As long as you are consistent with overselling your commitment to this all night long, you'll be bound to make your friends laugh, then be annoyed by you, then laugh again, the annoyed again, in a vicious cycle that will last all night. It gets old quick, but then is inexplicably hilarious again a few minutes later. It helps to have an entourage of other Californians (so you can ask them all "what are YOU doing 'ere?!" every few minutes), and a full length mirror to gather in front of.--Jay Johnson
5. Menacing Josh Romney/Patrick Bateman
What you need: Suit, tie, and a gaze that can see into our very souls.
Summary: Stand in the corner of the party, waiting for people to notice you and then alternate between handing out Romney stickers and bone-colored business cards with impeccable lettering. Finally, look right through everyone who passes. We can't guarantee how long you stay at your Halloween party before you're asked to leave because you're freaking everybody the hell out, but you've probably got some videotapes to return/a rebellion to quash.--Martin Moakler
4. Cancelled Sitcom
What you need: Monkey mask, scrubs, canned laughter, Justin Kirk
Summary: Maybe you'll manage to get more laughter with this costume than a cancelled sitcom got for the few episodes it was on air. And at the end of the night you get to keep ten percent of Justin's candy for finding him a new gig.--Martin Moakler
3. Undecided Voter
What you need: Baseball cap on top of a knit cap, parka on top of a bathing suit, two different colored socks, two different shoes.
Summary: You don't know who you're voting for. You're not sure if you're hot or cold. You don't even know if you're going to a Halloween party this year. But this costume will guarantee you all the attention you crave by not being able to form a concrete opinion about two diametrically opposed platforms about which we've heard nothing else for two years.--Martin Moakler
2. Honey Boo-Boo
What You Need: Giant glazed ham costume, no shame.
Summary: You know that a male friend, slightly pudgy and generally noisy as it is, will be Honey Boo-Boo this Halloween. He will be wearing a XXL pink tee shirt with a bedazzled star on it and he'll be drinking Go Go Juice. This is going to happen.
But you can beat him.
Why not show up as a glazed ham and just tell people you're Honey Boo-Boo? Other than your friend, who loses in this scenario?
Bonus points if you can still do a decent impression and/or if you're wearing a real glazed ham, so you can snack.--Ben Collins
1. Hobo Big Bird
What You Need: Run down/tattered Big bird costume (mask and a yellow jumpsuit will do), handwritten cardboard sign that says "Will Pretend for Food," bindle, tattered hobo-hat, Obama 2012 pin.
Summary: Unemployed Big Bird is a sad sight indeed. He's also probably drunk and he doesn't mean those things he's saying about your mother.--Jay Johnson