It's time to start making things up.
The end of Breaking Bad is coming. The start of a bunch of shows with a whole lot of potential and a whole lot less meth are on their way, too. (Except for the new Beauty and the Beast show on CW, which is totally littered with illicit drugs and instructions on how to build bombs out of old Fanta bottles.)
Really, our only chance to not hear the endings before we see the shows is to fill the world with misinformation. That's why I just slandered that Beauty and the Beast pilot.
But our only real option is to go to the professionals.
Here are the stars of a bunch of ABC staples just making things up about their shows' next season. It's all in an effort to create a beautiful world of misinformation and lies.
For example, did you know that Body of Proof is going to be totally derailed by an inter-office, same-sex relationship? Or that Barack Obama will be appearing on Bunheads? Or that Happy Endings will turn into a Die Hard movie?
Oh, you didn't? It's because they won't. But we got all of their stars to lie on record. Here are their stories.
So what happens this season is that Dave actually applies to be a police officer. In the midst of his training, he accidentally kills someone. During the training, he loads a live round. He doesn't know it's live.
So he goes on the lam. He goes to Mexico. He starts working with Sammy Hagar at the tequila factory. He starts working at Cabo Wabo.
The kicker to the whole thing is that Dave thinks he's escaping some sort of terrible fate by living in paradise, but guess what happens? He f***in' drowns. In a vat of tequila.
That's the end of my character. It's right in the beginning. I'm done after that. But hopefully they'll bring me back in a flashback.
You need to stay tuned because we're gonna have a new teenage heartthrob. He's going to come onto our show and every single girl has a crush on him. You're going to have to wait and see who it is.
Hulu: Is it Barack Obama?
It is Barack Obama. He puts on a tutu and he has a solo moment.
Hulu: This might cost him the election.
It could. Or it could win him the election.
Don't Trust The B**** in Apt. 23's
Fabio's coming on. That's happening. Fabio is actually Chloe's real father. The other guy in Episode 101 was not really her father. And I'm going to have sex with Fabio and have little mermaid, mythical, little unicorn children.
Flowing hair. Normal-sized children. Because Fabio is very tall. And I am very tiny.
... and Krysten Ritter
Hulu: We heard you have a love interest. Is it Dreama?
It's Katie Holmes.
Hulu: And you guys met at Wrigley Field?
We actually meet in a club bathroom. That's usually where people meet, right?
by Dana Delany
This is a thank you to some of our fans on Twitter: Kate and Megan have a drunken one night stand. Then they'll wake up and realize it was a huge mistake then never acknowledge it again.
I think I'm going to play the whole season like that happened now, actually.