It's here! Today is the 11th most magical day of the year! Today is Tell A Fairy Tale Day (no, really, Google it) where everyone must stop at some point in their day and tell the person next to them a fairy tale, real or otherwise. At least, that's how we're guessing it works. So, we got to thinking: what if we gave everyone's favorite tales a TV twist? How would the stories change if today's TV characters were in them? Don't get us wrong, the classics are great. But we find our versions a little more "Must See."
Claire Dunphy (Modern Family) as Goldilocks
Once upon a power-run around her suburban neighborhood, a young woman named Claire-dilocks returned home and realized she was locked out of her family's two-story, Pottery Barn and Restoration Hardware-furnished traditional modern home. "Hello, is anybody home?" she called out, annoyed. After several failed attempts at locating the hide-a-key and cursing her husband for not picking a more obvious place for it, she found a slightly ajar window and managed to break in.
Upon entering the kitchen, she saw there were three bowls of oatmeal sitting on the breakfast bar. Starving from her run, she helped herself to the first bowl, which was much too hot. "Who puts Sriracha in oatmeal?" she sputtered. She went in for the second bowl, which was much too cold. "Seriously? Dippin' Dots?" But the third bowl, the third bowl was just ... just not quite right, either. "Okay, those ... are not raisins," she stated incredulously.
Just then Claire-dilocks noticed the crusted-over pot on the stove. And was the burner still on? "Seriously folks? How hard is it to ..." She grabbed the handle and yelped in pain. "Son of a ..." Running to the fridge she grabbed the first cold thing she could find -- a chilled bottle of Chardonnay. She medicated her pain with a healthy dosage, and her family returned home to find Claire-dilocks passed out on their traditional modern sofa.
-- Richard Ogawa
Jessica Day (New Girl) as Little Red Riding Hood
Once upon a time, there was a pretty young girl named Jessica Day. One day, she was overcome with guilt over the fact that she hadn't seen her ailing Granny in several years, so she baked a batch of cookies, sang farewell to her three male roommates, and set off skipping down the path to Granny's.
Along the way, she met a big bad wolf who asked where she was going. Instead of answering him, Jess did an quirky dance and offered him a cookie, which the wolf surprisingly found rather endearing. But the wolf still wanted to eat her, so he was finally like, "Okay but seriously, where are you going?" Jess told him that she was going to visit her Granny. Then she saw a super cute dragonfly and wandered off. The wolf immediately ran to the grandmother's house, ate her, then got in bed disguised as Granny and waited for Jess to arrive.
When Jess did finally get there, half the cookies were gone and she was carrying an orphaned squirrel with a broken leg that she had named Jalapeno. Jess approached the bed and sang, "Grandma, what a deep voice and big eyes and big hands and big mouth you have!" The wolf really wanted to eat her, but looking at that adorable injured squirrel, and the girl's huge doll-like eyes and her polka-dot skirt/cardigan combo, he decided he just couldn't do it. He sighed, confessed that he'd eaten her grandma, and apologized. Jess laughed her magical, twinkling laugh and said the wolf was just misunderstood and needed a friend, and they should make tea and eat the remaining cookies. The wolf agreed.
A couple hours later his hunger overwhelmed him and the wolf ate the girl and Jalapeno the squirrel, who was not as spicy as his name might have suggested.
-- Katherine Rea
Olivia Pope (Scandal) as Snow White
There once was a beautiful princess named Olivia Pope who could nail a woman's power suit like no one else in the land, commanding respect from any room she elegantly strode into. This angered the princess's stepmother, the Queen, who was a wicked and jealous woman. On a regular basis, the wicked Queen would stare into her magic tabloid magazine and ask "Who is the fairest of them all?" and every time she was met with the same response: "Did you see what Olivia wore to the King's Ball? Girl be fierce."
The wicked Queen grew sick of seeing Princess Olivia outshine her, and hatched a plan to have her killed. But, being the no-nonsense fixer that she is, with associates all over the kingdom, Olivia obviously caught wind of the Queen's plan, and rather than sit around and see how it'd play out, she took matters into her own hands. Digging up dirt about the Queen's ..."indiscriminate" past, Olivia launched a whisper smear campaign against the Queen, ruining her name and forcing her to leave the kingdom out of shame. Problem solved.
Once again Olivia was free to look stunning in all that she wore, and drink red wine copiously from her royal goblet.
-- Raef Harrison
Leonard, Sheldon, and Raj (Big Bang Theory) as The Three Little Pigs
Once upon a time, there were three little physicists who each decided to build a house. Leonard, the experimental physicist, decided to utilize his knowledge of the ferromagnetic and antiferromagnetic phases of spins on atomic lattices to help build his house. Sheldon, the theoretical physicist, decided to use the Bose-Einstein condensate found in cold atomic systems to build his house. Raj, the particle astrophysicist, decided to use a mass composed of a new kind of "dark matter" to build his house.
All three houses were virtually indestructible.
-- Richard Ogawa
Mindy Lahiri (The Mindy Project) as Sleeping Beauty
Once upon a time, there lived a very beautiful (but also funny and successful) woman named Mindy, raised by three aunts in the lush urban forest of New York City. Each aunt had given Mindy one gift: The first aunt gave her vast medical knowledge, the second gave her a strong appetite, and the third gave her crazy-good karaoke skills with a focus on '90s R&B girl group songs, such as TLC's "Creep." But unfortunately there wasn't a fourth aunt to give her the gift of love, which is the only thing that Mindy ever wanted: To fall truly, madly, deeply in love with a man.
One morning, Dr. Mindy was at a deli on the corner of W 81st and Columbus Ave. As she devoured her breakfast sandwich (like a lady), the Old Crazy Lady of 81st Street, whom everyone knew loved onion bagels, discovered that Mindy had taken the last one of the day. Furious, the Old Crazy Lady cursed Mindy with an insatiable libido, essentially destroying her dream of being in a loving, monogamous relationship. The only way for the spell to be broken, the Old Crazy Lady cackled, was if Mindy somehow found and slept with her One True Love -- or if Destiny's Child ever reunited. The Old Crazy Lady of 81st Street knew that these two things would never happen, dooming Mindy to sleep around for the rest of her life.
From then on, almost every night Mindy found herself with an insatiable urge to fill up her wine rack bra with vodka and go out to the Meatpacking District to find a guy to take home. (Or to get on Tinder for those lazy, quieter nights.) To her surprise, however, she began to find it kind of empowering to not want these guys to text or call her the next day. In fact, she became the one that promised to call but never did. Deep down, she always knew she had a little "Samantha" in her, even though all of her friends thought she was a "Charlotte." Our Sleeping Around Beauty lived happily, and promiscuously, ever after.
LIKE, THE END
-- Sheila Dichoso
April Ludgate (Parks & Recreation) as The Evil Queen from Snow White
Once upon a time, an evil queen named April Ludgate sat upon her throne in the Department of Animal Control, hatching an evil plot that would out-evil all evil plots. "How can I get rid of all the humans in Pawnee?" she said to herself. "Animals are much better than people. They should be rewarded for this. I hate people." She knew immediately where she needed to go to find the darkest, most sinister spell that would help her hatch this most evil plot: The Library. "The Library is the most treacherous and wicked part of Pawnee, full of punk-ass book jockeys, nerds, and -- the most villainous of them all -- Librarians." She summoned Andy Dwyer, her faithful King, to work out the logistics of the plan, and also to make out with her for at least 20 minutes in front of Larry while he looked on uncomfortably.
Andy, being the faithful King that he was, looked upon her with loving puppy-dog eyes. He loved his Queen, but he was hesitant. What many in the kingdom did not know was that King Andy was, and always would be, a fan of people. There were plenty of humans he liked, and getting rid of them meant there would be less of them to like his songs and give him hugs. Hesitantly, he reached into his pocket and brought out his magical guitar, sprinkling rock-stardust (and a few candy bar wrappers) all over the room. King Andy began to sing a new song for Queen April, "Babe, Don't You Think This Is Going A Little Too Far?", belting it at the top of his lungs. Once the catchy chorus hit ("You're starting to scare me, my queen / I think you're being a little too friggin' mean"), Queen April realized that maybe she had overstepped her evil boundaries. She reluctantly agreed that not all people were bad.
Later that day, she invited the centaur goddess Leslie to lunch. Leslie was half human, yes, but that human part was actually Queen April's favorite part. They ate waffles and lived happily ever after.
-- Nadia Vasquez
Ellen Degeneres (The Ellen Show) as Cinderella's Fairy Godmother
One and four moons ago (a.k.a. some time last week), there lived a hardworking young Women's Studies major named Cinderella, or Cindy as her rodent friends called her. She had the intelligence and wit of Rachel Maddow (sans that neck vein that pops out when she gets over-zealous) and the physical assets of Kim Kardashian. A loving person, Cindy had dreams of some day becoming a teacher or a social worker. Unfortunately, her evil stepmother Sallie Mae was determined to crush her spirit, and charged outrageous interest on Cindy's private student loans. After scrubbing pots all day at the soup kitchen to help pay her bills, Cindy was too tired and still too broke to buy a gown for the upcoming Spring Fling, and often cried herself to sleep.
Along came Cindy's fairy godmother, Ellen, from the magical land of Hollywood where smiles are permanently plastered on the faces of famous people (or discreetly tucked behind their hairlines). Ellen and her enchanted camera crew crept into Cindy's room and gently woke her up. Cindy, shocked, couldn't believe that Ellen was there to make all her dreams come true! Ellen clicked her white canvas Keds together three times and Cindy's ragged sweats turned into a gorgeous gown for the Spring Fling. She clicked them again and Cindy's bike turned into a 2014 Mazda 3. Ellen clicked her Keds one last time and $20,000 cash appeared at Cindy's feet.
"Oh, but Ellen," said Cindy, "I'm a graduate student. This doesn't even begin to pay off my loan."
By then, Ellen was already floating away in a bubble. "That's all the time we have today everybody. Bippity-Boppity Goodbye!"
-- Rudy Martinez
Jake Perralta (Brooklyn 99) as Pinocchio
Once upon a time there was a poor woodcarver named Geppetto. He had always longed for a son, so one day he carved a wooden marionette in the shape of a boy and named him Jake Peralcchio, and that night wished upon a star that his puppet could be real. Answering Geppetto's wish, the Blue Fairy appeared and brought Jake Peralcchio to life as a puppet. The Fairy told Peralcchio that if he wanted to become a real boy of flesh and blood, he must be brave, truthful, and unselfish, and he must listen to his conscience in the form of Jiminy Cricket.
Jake Peralcchio considered this and thought about what it would mean to be unselfish and always do the right thing. "Eh, thanks anyway," said Peralcchio. "I'd rather stay a wooden puppet and cause as much trouble as I can. Plus, it's hilarious when my nose grows really long."
And so he did.
-- Kristin Knox
Oliver Queen (Arrow) as The Pied Piper
Once upon a time, a Strapping Young Man with a bow and arrow and abdominals that you could grate cheese on happened upon the small town of Starling City. This town was riddled with crime and corruption, its poor citizens too afraid to spend much time outdoors, even in daylight. Having a penchant for helping the downtrodden, this Strapping Young Man offered his services to the town leaders to help them rid the city of its evils. Eagerly the town leaders agreed, and within days, the Strapping Young Man had done just that. With a couple of shots from his bow and some gratuitous shirtless reps on his Salmon Ladder, he lured all the evildoers out of town, and the streets where safe once again and the townspeople rejoiced.
However, when the Strapping Young Man came for his payment, the leaders looked at him blankly. "We don't owe you a thing," they shiftily claimed. Calmly, the Strapping Young Man left, but not before warning the leaders that he would have his revenge. Days later, the Strapping Young Man again returned to Starling City. Completely bare chested, he wandered the streets, casually flexing his abs and dropping into a set of crunches at every street corner. Soon, a rumbling could be heard, and before the townspeople even noticed, every hot-blooded young girl and eager fanboy in town was following the Strapping Young Man as if in a trance. Over hill, over dale, past the Crunch Gym and the Forever21 and right out of town, the kids followed the Strapping Young Man and were never heard from again.
The townspeople were beside themselves with grief, but had to admit that given the opportunity, they too would have followed those abs just about anywhere.
-- Raef Harrison
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